I appreciate people who will stick their necks out and speak what they are thinking. I appreciate Francis's book, Crazy Love. On page 67 he writes, "Has your relationship with God actually changed the way you live? Do you see evidence of God's kingdom in your life? Or are you choking it out slowly by spending too much time, energy, money, and thought on the things of this world?"
Being a parent has really caused me to look inward. You hear this phrase all the time and it's almost foolish to write it here. Some people have said that they have been changed by their parenting for the better. I have a second question for them: has their relationship with their own father God changed as well? Mine has, and it seems like Francis's has too.
A few things have happened, I think, that God has allowed my heart to be opened. First, I lost my earthly father. The appreciation and love I felt for him has made me realize how fragile life is. Why didn't I love him more while he was here? Why was I so afraid to do that? Perhaps he wouldn't have been receptive. I must have thought I loved him as much as he allowed me to. Is that ok? I don't know the answer to that. Nonetheless, he was gone and I felt like the chain that kept me grounded in good (although it was rusty and weak), was cut. So in the next months and for a couple of years, although I went to church weekly, I was a dead woman walking. I laughed, smiled, and looked normal! Yet, I was almost dead and was fighting spiritually. I don't mean things just went bad for me and I started believing that if I stepped on a crack, I'd have a bad day--no, no. I turned away from God deliberately. I looked for ways to escape this life. My marriage suffered. My motherhood suffered. My sense of self suffered. My value was focused on things of this earth--people, places, things. There was a spiritual WAR going on with my soul, and I was getting beaten in between. These trials made me realize that I was not the Christian I thought I was. I thought I was good soil. I thought that I loved God. I thought I loved Him more than a lot of people (comparing is NOT a way to know, by the way). I also thought those "Jesus freaks" that dance and sing and jump up and down for God and always talk about Him just took it too far. Why do they think it's ok to make other people uncomfortable? Don't they know they don't have to do all that? They can just love God on the inside, without having to show it like that. That makes people turn away from Him--it doesn't help. They give the rest of us a bad name... How ignorant I was. Further proof that I lived for my own comfort and hated the awkwardness of not loving Him like they do. I broke a commandment not to judge one another--I questioned whether it was real love or they were just showing off. After all, I don't want to make a spectacle--it's in the bible. It's so far out of context, but I lived by that rule. These lovers of God should be able to worship fully without judgment from me no matter what. They are free to love God and breathe God no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Living for others makes you shine. Period. I was convicted.
Through my trials, God proved His love for me and restored me in amazing ways. He loved me even though I turned my back and He continues to show His love daily. I could share so much about my restoration here, but that would take a novel. The point is, my father in heaven loved me. He cared for me. He was separated from me and my sin, and His holiness was far from me in those times. I had to realize that if I were to want to know Him better, I needed to admit my wrong--which has been and will continue to be a hard lesson. My restoration doesn't mean that all is good now and I'm "done". Please don't take it that way. I work hard every day to keep my restoration. Not because I have to, but because I want to. This attitude has been the main difference from where I was before. Previously, I felt like I had to go to church, I had to pray (but hardly did unless I was around other Christians at a meal), I had to teach my kids about Jesus, I had to "act" right. Now I want to. I want to go to church, I want to pray, I want to teach my kids, I want to do right, and I want to do it often. I fear the opposite now--if I stop, I could begin to live for myself again--and be less fulfilled. Work gets in the way of my study, of my devotion. I pray at work, I even work better and I'm happier. I have nothing to hide, I can invest myself because God keeps filling me up. It's ok, and it feels better than I've ever felt before. I have a real reason to smile. I still have hard, bad, sick, tiring days--but I have a light inside of me that will never burn out even when I am. Hallelujah!
Through this transformation, I have found that I love being in love with God. My first step was that I stopped living for myself and started living for others. I let go of my own dreams and put everyone else's happiness in front of my own. Not an easy thing to do...at all. I haven't stopped dreaming, I just pray for them but the dreams of others become my dreams. This feeling overflows into my life and the people I love. I keep it alive with music. I pump spiritual lullabies, praises, and devotions into my ears, heart, and brain. I try to worship as much as I can. I listen to music constantly. If I don't, I run the risk again of living for myself and not being filled. It is a job to keep my restoration. I wish I could do more. I could just as well never write about this, never care, never share, but who would benefit from that? Will I worry if there are people who don't read this? Not at all. God has guided you here, and I actually believe that He will guide the ones that need to read it. Yes, I actually do. God led you here for different reasons, but I need to tell you that it is hard to transform! I have the same message as Francis: Do not assume you are good soil. I did. I was not. Period.
I said that my parenthood has changed my life with God. How is that so? I realized that I would never want to purposely hurt my children, I would always want the best for them, I will always want everything for them, and I know more about what they need than they do. I can't keep them from hurting themselves, falling, crying, fighting, etc. I can try to show them a better way. I can be an example to them. I can love them to the end of the earth. That will not change the fact that they will make bad choices--even as small as they are. They are innately selfish. They live for themselves. I will teach them how to live for others. I will love them even when they do wrong and when they come back to apologize for anything they've done, I will continue to love them. What's more--I don't even love them as much as God loves any of us. When my children apologize to me, I can continue to love them, but my flawed nature allows me to remember their fault unless I purposely choose to forget. God has said he has already forgotten. What holiness and perfection! Does He laugh when I laugh? Does He cry when I cry? Does He know what's good for me? Of course on all accounts!! He created laughter, sorrow, and Good. How can I not rejoice in the father of mine that created it? I don't understand anymore how I walked around before, moping about the punishment God surely had in store for me. Please! I don't walk around with a belt by my side, waiting to spank my kids. Why would God?? I have understood that God is a better parent to me than I am to my children. Even pagans are good to their children! I have the perfect heavenly father who wants to laugh with me and is joyful in my love for Him. He's the best daddy! Does that feel awkward? Can you call God, "daddy"? It was ok for Jesus, but not for us? I'm sure if I ever adopt children, you bet your bottom dollar they will call me mommy just like Rio and Lathan do. My human nature will create in my heart even a tiny bit of difference between them, but to God, we share the inheritance with Jesus...He is our Daddy just like He is for Jesus. If you get past this hurdle, you can be closer.
The book stirs in me my frustration of living in the lukewarm. It wasn't always this way--I can't honestly say that I have always wanted to be in love with God. I always thought that life was boring. I have found it to be awesome. If you feel led to, read the book and begin to change. Get comfortable with the thought that God really loves you and really does work in your life--yes, even yours. He wants nothing more than...all of you.
