Recently I was met by a profound feeling of loss when my brother expressed his unbelief in God to me...and it left me feeling so selfish. I've known it a long time and the sharing was respectful-we have a mutual respect for each other, but it left me thinking about what I have hidden from him and the world all of this time. What am I doing? When will I begin to share this amazing gift of peace I feel inside?
Profound loss and sorrow are natural feelings. Jesus had them and it's a feeling God would rather not have when He thinks about us, His creation. Even God doesn't want to feel loss-that can't be any clearer to me as I read about His love for us and the sacrifice He endured. He, Mary, the disciples, Jesus...all of them experienced the biggest loss the world has ever known, but then also have and will experience the greatest victory the world will ever know. He wants us all to be with Him. All of us. The world. Yet we know that not all of us will be there. I know this, yet, I'd rather be comfortable? What's wrong with me? Sharing isn't pushing, loving isn't fighting...I don't mean all of that. I mean truly sharing my comfort in Christ and loving people.
In my sorrow, I got on my knees and I prayed. I felt so deeply about this loss that I made a plea. I have been afraid to know that what I do with God in private is "wrong" or not normal. I wonder about how people that love God talk to Him, even the spiritual strongmen of the bible. Paul, Job, David...what did it look like to talk to God for each of them? Am I somehow doing it wrong? My tears are messy. I need to wipe my nose a lot...did this happen to them too? As I cried, I felt compelled to write my brother's name in the carpet. I wrote his name with my finger in the carpet. I didn't stop there...I wrote more names...and I didn't know why I felt like doing it, I just did. Was this wrong? Am I supposed to do this? I didn't care. It felt right. I felt like that was my plea that those names be written in the Book of Life. "Here, God, see these names... H..., M..., E..., A.... and as I wrote, praying...see them and know them, and add them to your Book, please God." I just kept writing and crying. My tears got on the carpet. My hair in my face. Was my plea biblical? It's not about that. My plea was spiritual. I was in contact with my Lord and I had a case to bring to Him. Was it sanitary? No. I can't imagine how the spiritual strongmen I look up to ever stayed clean.
What if there are years of unsanitized prayer represented in our world's history? What if when God tells us He will wipe away our tears, He means the tears we have shed in begging and pleading and praying in His presence? What if being spiritually strong isn't sanitary? It's not pretty to cry, or kneel, or fall on your face. No one wants to know about that, see it. We want everyone to think we've never had a frown-at least I have caught myself doing that. Besides prayer, where else in God's work will you get dirty? How about when helping people you don't know, but are commanded to love anyway? Did Jesus say "just love the clean people"? No, He didn't...
It's so great and happy to be a Christian! YES, it IS!! It's the most amazing life there is! And it is also deep, real, self-analyzing, self-sacrificing, suffering, and unsanitary.
May I stop keeping this wonderful gift inside. May I never pretend that all is easy for me. May I not be ashamed of the unsanitary work of His people.
