Crazy Love by Francis Chan

I appreciate people who will stick their necks out and speak what they are thinking. I appreciate Francis's book, Crazy Love. On page 67 he writes, "Has your relationship with God actually changed the way you live? Do you see evidence of God's kingdom in your life? Or are you choking it out slowly by spending too much time, energy, money, and thought on the things of this world?"

Being a parent has really caused me to look inward. You hear this phrase all the time and it's almost foolish to write it here. Some people have said that they have been changed by their parenting for the better. I have a second question for them: has their relationship with their own father God changed as well? Mine has, and it seems like Francis's has too.

A few things have happened, I think, that God has allowed my heart to be opened. First, I lost my earthly father. The appreciation and love I felt for him has made me realize how fragile life is. Why didn't I love him more while he was here? Why was I so afraid to do that? Perhaps he wouldn't have been receptive. I must have thought I loved him as much as he allowed me to. Is that ok? I don't know the answer to that. Nonetheless, he was gone and I felt like the chain that kept me grounded in good (although it was rusty and weak), was cut. So in the next months and for a couple of years, although I went to church weekly, I was a dead woman walking. I laughed, smiled, and looked normal! Yet, I was almost dead and was fighting spiritually. I don't mean things just went bad for me and I started believing that if I stepped on a crack, I'd have a bad day--no, no. I turned away from God deliberately. I looked for ways to escape this life. My marriage suffered. My motherhood suffered. My sense of self suffered. My value was focused on things of this earth--people, places, things. There was a spiritual WAR going on with my soul, and I was getting beaten in between. These trials made me realize that I was not the Christian I thought I was. I thought I was good soil. I thought that I loved God. I thought I loved Him more than a lot of people (comparing is NOT a way to know, by the way). I also thought those "Jesus freaks" that dance and sing and jump up and down for God and always talk about Him just took it too far. Why do they think it's ok to make other people uncomfortable? Don't they know they don't have to do all that? They can just love God on the inside, without having to show it like that. That makes people turn away from Him--it doesn't help. They give the rest of us a bad name... How ignorant I was. Further proof that I lived for my own comfort and hated the awkwardness of not loving Him like they do. I broke a commandment not to judge one another--I questioned whether it was real love or they were just showing off. After all, I don't want to make a spectacle--it's in the bible. It's so far out of context, but I lived by that rule. These lovers of God should be able to worship fully without judgment from me no matter what. They are free to love God and breathe God no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Living for others makes you shine. Period. I was convicted.

Through my trials, God proved His love for me and restored me in amazing ways. He loved me even though I turned my back and He continues to show His love daily. I could share so much about my restoration here, but that would take a novel. The point is, my father in heaven loved me. He cared for me. He was separated from me and my sin, and His holiness was far from me in those times. I had to realize that if I were to want to know Him better, I needed to admit my wrong--which has been and will continue to be a hard lesson. My restoration doesn't mean that all is good now and I'm "done". Please don't take it that way. I work hard every day to keep my restoration. Not because I have to, but because I want to. This attitude has been the main difference from where I was before. Previously, I felt like I had to go to church, I had to pray (but hardly did unless I was around other Christians at a meal), I had to teach my kids about Jesus, I had to "act" right. Now I want to. I want to go to church, I want to pray, I want to teach my kids, I want to do right, and I want to do it often. I fear the opposite now--if I stop, I could begin to live for myself again--and be less fulfilled. Work gets in the way of my study, of my devotion. I pray at work, I even work better and I'm happier. I have nothing to hide, I can invest myself because God keeps filling me up. It's ok, and it feels better than I've ever felt before. I have a real reason to smile. I still have hard, bad, sick, tiring days--but I have a light inside of me that will never burn out even when I am. Hallelujah!

Through this transformation, I have found that I love being in love with God. My first step was that I stopped living for myself and started living for others. I let go of my own dreams and put everyone else's happiness in front of my own. Not an easy thing to do...at all. I haven't stopped dreaming, I just pray for them but the dreams of others become my dreams. This feeling overflows into my life and the people I love. I keep it alive with music. I pump spiritual lullabies, praises, and devotions into my ears, heart, and brain. I try to worship as much as I can. I listen to music constantly. If I don't, I run the risk again of living for myself and not being filled. It is a job to keep my restoration. I wish I could do more. I could just as well never write about this, never care, never share, but who would benefit from that? Will I worry if there are people who don't read this? Not at all. God has guided you here, and I actually believe that He will guide the ones that need to read it. Yes, I actually do. God led you here for different reasons, but I need to tell you that it is hard to transform! I have the same message as Francis: Do not assume you are good soil. I did. I was not. Period.

I said that my parenthood has changed my life with God. How is that so? I realized that I would never want to purposely hurt my children, I would always want the best for them, I will always want everything for them, and I know more about what they need than they do. I can't keep them from hurting themselves, falling, crying, fighting, etc. I can try to show them a better way. I can be an example to them. I can love them to the end of the earth. That will not change the fact that they will make bad choices--even as small as they are. They are innately selfish. They live for themselves. I will teach them how to live for others. I will love them even when they do wrong and when they come back to apologize for anything they've done, I will continue to love them. What's more--I don't even love them as much as God loves any of us. When my children apologize to me, I can continue to love them, but my flawed nature allows me to remember their fault unless I purposely choose to forget. God has said he has already forgotten. What holiness and perfection! Does He laugh when I laugh? Does He cry when I cry? Does He know what's good for me? Of course on all accounts!! He created laughter, sorrow, and Good. How can I not rejoice in the father of mine that created it? I don't understand anymore how I walked around before, moping about the punishment God surely had in store for me. Please! I don't walk around with a belt by my side, waiting to spank my kids. Why would God?? I have understood that God is a better parent to me than I am to my children. Even pagans are good to their children! I have the perfect heavenly father who wants to laugh with me and is joyful in my love for Him. He's the best daddy! Does that feel awkward? Can you call God, "daddy"? It was ok for Jesus, but not for us? I'm sure if I ever adopt children, you bet your bottom dollar they will call me mommy just like Rio and Lathan do. My human nature will create in my heart even a tiny bit of difference between them, but to God, we share the inheritance with Jesus...He is our Daddy just like He is for Jesus. If you get past this hurdle, you can be closer.

The book stirs in me my frustration of living in the lukewarm. It wasn't always this way--I can't honestly say that I have always wanted to be in love with God. I always thought that life was boring. I have found it to be awesome. If you feel led to, read the book and begin to change. Get comfortable with the thought that God really loves you and really does work in your life--yes, even yours. He wants nothing more than...all of you.

There Will Be Horses in Heaven

My kids and I have a somewhat long ride to and from school in the morning. We get a little bit of scenery as we travel down some developing country roads. Most of the time my daughter looks for horses hidden in the pastures and yells, "Aaahhh! Horses!" when she sees them. My son chimes in and yells "Wee-wee!" right after her (from the word "horsie"). She is in LOVE with horses. She has asked me so many questions about her adult life that I wonder if it is actually normal! Recently, she has begun to build a dream about the house and horses she will have when she grows up.

Dream building in business can be very powerful. My husband and I were building a business for a while with other professionals from different walks of life. The people in the business became our mentors for free. Life coaches. Business coaches. Friends. Many of these professionals were multi-millionaires. It's not every day you get to be mentored by a multi-millionaire. We were blessed by the experience and the friendships we still have today. The first lesson we learned from our mentors was that if we wanted our business to be successful, we needed a very strong motivation--we needed a dream. So, dreaming became an important aspect of building our business. Our mentors would take us out to look at boats, houses, cars--whatever would get our juices flowing. We received training on how to focus in on our dreams, how to make them so strong that it was all we thought about and all we worked for. We called this practice "dream building".

So my daughter dream builds on the way home from school. "How do you buy a house, Mama? Do you go to a store? Do you get to see the inside before you buy it? How do you buy a horse? Is there a store for horses or something? I want all girl horses..." "You need to have land," I'd reply. "Land? Like a backyard?" "Yes," I'd reply. "A BIG backyard". "I'm going to have a paint horse, a brown horse, and a black horse like Flicka (her favorite movie)." She goes on and on tells me details of how she would like her house, her horses. She wants me to tell her all there is to know about owning horses (as if I knew!).

I can't remember what sparked the thought this one particular morning, but she asked me about heaven. She wanted to know if she would have purple blankets in heaven. "Sure!" I told her. "You can have anything you want for blankets. God knows all of your favorite things. The bible says He is preparing a place for you--that means He is making your room in heaven for you." "WHAT?!" She giggled and laughed at the thought. She did that girly little giggle I love so much--the one where she covers her mouth with her fist and her body doubles over from laughter. She got excited. "Can I have purple blankets with pink butterflies on it?" "Yes!", I responded. "Maybe your blanket could be a blanket of butterflies that would cover you and keep you warm as you sleep." "Oh my gosh!", she reacted. The thought was dreamy but too wild for her. "Maybe just purple and pink blankets. Can I have pink and purple walls?" "Of course," I responded. "What else would you like?" She dreamt some more. "Horses! I want horses on the walls." "Horses on the walls?", I asked. I'm good at dream building. I've had a lot of practice. It was time to give my daughter her first lesson. "Honey," I started, "God is SO big, that He could give you your own pasture of horses--any kind you want, You don't have to live in one room. You could have a gigantic mansion with a huge opening to a pasture where you could have your horses." She was ecstatic. "Really? I can have all that? I want horses! I want pink and purple! I can't wait to get to heaven! I want to go so badly! Jesus! I love you! I want to be in heaven with you! I love horses, Jesus! Give me lots of horses to ride EVERY DAY!" She was in full shout at this point. I couldn't stop her--not that I was even close to wanting to. I glanced in the rear view and I saw her little baby brother intently smiling and watching her joy--not fully comprehending--but celebrating it with her. Her little words of faith and praise rang in my ears--a sound sweeter than I can ever have imagined and I loved and simply breathed the moment in--her praise as my background. It was beautiful. She just kept going. I can't remember all the things she said because I was so involved in my enjoyment of the moment. She asked me about more things and I kept on promising, kept on giving what I did not have. For a while, I was promising her those things for God. Then I felt Him. "Daddy..." I thought, "please give her everything she desires." Then I thought, "How I love my little girl. How I want all of these things for her." My father then put the realization in my head that He loves her even more than I did and that He knew all of these things about her--and His plans for her are even bigger than she and I could dream together. I couldn't breathe. My God made His presence known in my little green car. She continued to praise at the top of her lungs and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I gasped for air. I was worried about if she saw me crying, she would stop praising, so I turned my face slightly away and kept on taking the short breaths I could as I felt His presence. He placed the realization in my heart that He wanted all of those things for ME just as much as He wants them for her. Although I had fought it throughout my life, it had always been that way. How foolish of me! How could I ever think He didn't want that for me? He's my daddy just like I'm her mommy. If I want all of these things for her, how does He NOT? "I want a horse too, daddy.", I told Him. With the help of the Spirit, I allowed myself to believe that He had heard me. My faith for a moment had become like hers--full and vibrant and real. I realized it was her faith that I wanted so badly right then; I wanted mine to be like hers, even if it was just in that moment. I remember what it was like when it was. I remembered it well. So I took a leap. "I want a horse too, daddy.", I whispered as I cried. I couldn't shout it; I didn't want to look foolish in front a faith-filled 5 year old. "I want a--" I could only mouth the rest. Then the Comfortor came over me and washed me with love. I couldn't catch my breath so I was glad she was still occupied, though at this point she was quiet and simply smiling while looking out the car window, innocence attached to her face.

Heaven used to be a scary place for her (and I remember when it was for me too). She used to cry at the thought of heaven. She was so attached to this world and the nowness of life. She didn't want anything to change. "It takes too long to come back from heaven," she once said (in reference to my father who has passed away). Now she can't wait to get there. She's excited about her future in heaven. One day I'll share again with her about her faith on this day. Her faith and God have taught me a valuable lesson...I'm going to have a horse.

It's Sunday!

Surprise Party Week

It was a great weekend! We had a great suprise party for Harvey and it turned it out almost perfectly. I can't even <i>begin</i> to tell you how hard it was to gather everything during the week with two tired little ones after work/school every day, but it got done! I seriously can't believe the wealth I have in friends and family! People high and low, ready and willing to help with whatever they could to make the day special. My neighbors opened their home to storing all the groceries and party supplies, a Lifegroup friend, Amy, picked up the humongous cake for me and got helium balloons blown, some other friends brought kitchen supplies (Alexandra), and still more family cooked and prepared ALL of the food (Harvey's brother Gary, his mom, and my sister-in-law Lisa all helped). I had no part in the legwork--I had the "tough" job of keeping Harvey from being suspicious and we went shopping while it all came together at home without his knowledge. I had "arranged" for his parents to come babysit while we had an afternoon date, and when we returned, everyone was to surprise him. Well, Harvey got a little carried away with the shopping (go figure!). Believing that this was the only downtime he would have with me, he squeezed as much time as he could out of the trip (and his parents!). I had to finally say, "We've got to go...now! (I made a promise to your parents...yada, yada, yada...haha!)" to get him out of Macy's! We finally started home, an hour behind schedule (imagine my nerves in the passenger seat!). I was texting friends on the way there and couldn't be more relieved when we pulled into the driveway. I had my camera with me and told him to just let me out first, so I did, and walked into the house. That's when I found everyone was at the wrong door! Everyone quickly moved over to the kitchen door where he would be entering, and I quickly switched off the lights and got my camera ready. Harvey came in, the lights came on, and everyone yelled SURPRISE! then burst into "Happy Birthday to You". It was majestic--Harvey was so red and speechless--he didn't know what was going on and was truly surprised at all the people. The rest of the night and the next day, we rode the waves of feeling loved by everyone that came and helped out. We loved it; I'm so glad I did it!

Some pictures from that night!

Well, his birthday is so special and I'm so glad I have God to thank for him. He is a great man of love and faith and it has been an incredible journey with him and I am looking forward to the rest of this life alongside him. I look at our children and they are such a blessing to us--he is overflowing with love for them and for our life. It has been amazing!

Here are some fun pictures of Harvey with our baby Lathan having fun in the pool ;)

The Lord God knows my heart like no one else and He has been faithful beyond belief! I praise the Almighty One and am joyful in His wonderful and amazing presence! I know He has a plan for me, for each of us, and I am so glad to be counted in His kingdom...there is nothing else I know or want to know! Without my Lord, I am nothing. He teaches me to live for others and to and love them until my cup is emptied to be filled with His Spirit again. Thank the Lord for the heaven He has in store for me; I am created for a place I've never known!

May your week be blessed with His Goodness, Love, and Grace. He will show you the way!

Well, look at that...

Well look at that, life is lived in between Sundays. So much that I haven't written in over a week! Well, I'm not going to stress myself out, I have enough of that!

Lathan and Rio are growing up so fast--right before my eyes. I'm scared to blink! I'm so glad I have an iPhone. You'll think I'm silly, but I grab it as soon as I realize I'm appreciating anything they do. Rio kind of got in the habit of running from the camera, but Lathan is still pretty good. So, when he's doing almost anything remotely interesting (which is pretty often), I grab my phone and start recording video. I keep hearing people say to me...this time when they're little is going to fly by so fast! Every time I hear that, it pains me, and I get scared! I don't want to miss it, yet I don't see them through most of the day. SO, when I do, I definitely cherish it. Lathan's funniest thing lately has been saying "no" to everything. "Lathan, do you want a cracker?" Before I show him what it is, he says, "No." and looks at me so seriously! "Lathan, hug your sister, Rio, she loves you." "No."

I noticed today that he started making "boy noises" with inatimate objects. It had to have a motor sound. He held up some plastic piping and was going "sssssccchhhhh" as if it were flying through the air. Where do boys get this? Rio has never made that noise in her life... so I got it on camera. At least I tried to..

Rio is using big words. The other day she said, "Oh, give me those, daddy, I can classify them." (in reference to some toys). She's kind of a geek that way, but it's oh so cute! Tonight she told me she had a plan for what she will be wearing the next few days. She also asked (after getting a "pep" talk), "Mommy, how do you like the way my voice looks? I'm not pitching a fit or screaming..." Gave me a HUGE smile and cocked her head to the side. Not only is she hi-freakin-larious, she also makes me melt!

A couple easy-squeezy, non-edited, in between Sunday pictures..

This one is a "Rio Original". Something from her perspective.

And a favorite from this summer. :)

In Between Sundays

Why do I have another blog? Because nowhere on my other blogs does it seem that I ever really get to share my spiritual journey and life. I called it In Between Sundays because so much life happens there! I find my comfort on Sundays, around His people, and I have come to realize that most of the things that I struggle with happens in between Sundays. How do I deal with work on Monday mornings? How do I treat my family on Thursday nights? Am I constantly looking for guidance. I think it's easy for those of us who don't work in the church to say of those who do, "Of course you have a strong faith--it's your job, you get to work on it all week!". Truthfully, they need just as much help as we do, and so much goes on that the rest of His church doesn't even know about. So, since I am an ordinary, married, working mom of two kids, I feel the need to share my working mom journey. It is a tough life, and keeping Him in the forefront is a constant struggle. What I have learned, I have learned out of necessity. I have gone through amazing trials and a long depression of sorts, and I have had to realize more and more that if I don't keep God in front of me, it is extremely easy to fall into Satan's hands and the ways of this world. Thanks goodness for people like my minister, who keep a daily blog and I can just ride on the coattails of His disciples. I am wanting to do more and be more for God's glory. Hopefully my love for Him can be passed onto my kids in a way that leaves no doubt or fear. That is my prayer for them through this blog and for you if you happen upon this. I will not always be this serious, believe me! It's 12 am, and well, it's a Holy time. ;)