Recently I was met by a profound feeling of loss when my brother expressed his unbelief in God to me...and it left me feeling so selfish. I've known it a long time and the sharing was respectful-we have a mutual respect for each other, but it left me thinking about what I have hidden from him and the world all of this time. What am I doing? When will I begin to share this amazing gift of peace I feel inside?
Profound loss and sorrow are natural feelings. Jesus had them and it's a feeling God would rather not have when He thinks about us, His creation. Even God doesn't want to feel loss-that can't be any clearer to me as I read about His love for us and the sacrifice He endured. He, Mary, the disciples, Jesus...all of them experienced the biggest loss the world has ever known, but then also have and will experience the greatest victory the world will ever know. He wants us all to be with Him. All of us. The world. Yet we know that not all of us will be there. I know this, yet, I'd rather be comfortable? What's wrong with me? Sharing isn't pushing, loving isn't fighting...I don't mean all of that. I mean truly sharing my comfort in Christ and loving people.
In my sorrow, I got on my knees and I prayed. I felt so deeply about this loss that I made a plea. I have been afraid to know that what I do with God in private is "wrong" or not normal. I wonder about how people that love God talk to Him, even the spiritual strongmen of the bible. Paul, Job, David...what did it look like to talk to God for each of them? Am I somehow doing it wrong? My tears are messy. I need to wipe my nose a lot...did this happen to them too? As I cried, I felt compelled to write my brother's name in the carpet. I wrote his name with my finger in the carpet. I didn't stop there...I wrote more names...and I didn't know why I felt like doing it, I just did. Was this wrong? Am I supposed to do this? I didn't care. It felt right. I felt like that was my plea that those names be written in the Book of Life. "Here, God, see these names... H..., M..., E..., A.... and as I wrote, praying...see them and know them, and add them to your Book, please God." I just kept writing and crying. My tears got on the carpet. My hair in my face. Was my plea biblical? It's not about that. My plea was spiritual. I was in contact with my Lord and I had a case to bring to Him. Was it sanitary? No. I can't imagine how the spiritual strongmen I look up to ever stayed clean.
What if there are years of unsanitized prayer represented in our world's history? What if when God tells us He will wipe away our tears, He means the tears we have shed in begging and pleading and praying in His presence? What if being spiritually strong isn't sanitary? It's not pretty to cry, or kneel, or fall on your face. No one wants to know about that, see it. We want everyone to think we've never had a frown-at least I have caught myself doing that. Besides prayer, where else in God's work will you get dirty? How about when helping people you don't know, but are commanded to love anyway? Did Jesus say "just love the clean people"? No, He didn't...
It's so great and happy to be a Christian! YES, it IS!! It's the most amazing life there is! And it is also deep, real, self-analyzing, self-sacrificing, suffering, and unsanitary.
May I stop keeping this wonderful gift inside. May I never pretend that all is easy for me. May I not be ashamed of the unsanitary work of His people.
My spiritual journey. Praise be to God!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
He Gives Power to the Weak
My journey to know God has been plagued with weakness. Yet, some will say to me, "you're strong". This post is about how weak I actually am and how strong my God makes me.
To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Do you not know?
Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 25-26, 28-31
Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 25-26, 28-31
If you compare me in stature to strong, young, athletic men and women, you will know that I am weak. Yet, this passage tells us that no matter what you are--even if you are strong physically--you will stumble and fall unless you have hope in the Lord. I am one of those that has hope in the Lord. For a while, I've had hope in other people, put my worth into people's ideas of me, and have felt the sting of rejection come close to ruining my life. Yet God has taken this weak and rejected being and has made her strong. Strong enough to rise out of the pile of mush I've made and clean it up. He's given me the strength to not throw away the things He has blessed me with and to toss aside those things He never meant for me. He's cast away from me the fear of joy in my present circumstances-whatever they may be.
God is an inside-out God. I mean that in every sense you can fathom. Give him sadness and He brings out joy. Give Him yourself and He multiplies your influence. Give Him weakness and He gives you strength. You can even give Him ashes and He makes life. I've given Him greed, jealousy, frustration, rejection, fear, anger, and hate and He has made bountiful blessings, joy, acceptance, comfort, happiness, and love. He doesn't stop there. He multiplies Himself through me and He continues to give despite my weaknesses. So what am I to do? Show Him more weakness or grow in His strength? It's like the talents. Hide this newfound strength or display it for all to see His awesome work in me? I will not grow weary-I will soar high on wings like eagles...and I will praise Him the entire way!
God has made a flower garden out of a heart that was burned to the ground. He watered my spirit, He became the sole sower of seeds in this place. My heart belongs to no more than Him! This decision takes a lot of hope, confidence, and belief on my part. Who doesn't want to give their heart to worldly things? I know I did. I know I did. I know I don't want to anymore. There's a difference in giving your heart to things and loving things. Surely God wants us to love-it is His greatest commandment. But first, love Him. That doesn't mean you have less love for others-indeed, God is an inside-out God. The more you decide to give your heart to Him, the more room He will make in your heart for others. He creates from nothing. He will continue to make room as you grow in your heart for Him. So what's the main ingredient? Hope. Hope that it's the right thing to do, that it won't lead to a boring life, that He will return that love and that you will be able to feel it and revel in it. He has promised that you will. Don't you know? Haven't you heard? He made the heavens in the earth yet He loves you most of all. Surely He will reciprocate and multiply the feeling of love in your heart once you make the decision to love Him with it all!!
This weakling is too weak to stand on her own. The things of this earth are so hard to deal with. The evil is too pressing. The traps are too dangerous, the rejection and hate is all so taxing on me. His rod and staff comfort me. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He will do it all for me. He will fight it all for me.
Thank you, God, for Your promises. Thank you for Your strength. Your awesome and mighty ways are enough to sustain me. Your creation exalts You in reverence and praise. All glory and praise to You, Lord! You are holy, holy, holy. So holy. In Jesus's powerful name I thank You, Amen.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I AM
"I throw my life upon all that You are because I know You gave it all for me. When all else fades, I know my soul will dance with You-where the love lasts forever." ~Hillsong, Where the Love Lasts Forever.
Those words mean so much to me. I can't even begin to describe ethe feeling of loss and joy I have at the thought of throwing everything that I am and do on Him. It was He that showed me love-true and holy love. It was He that shows me happiness, passion, sadness, comfort, breath, life, light, everything good. My God-He is the great teacher of all that is holy and wise and good. When I find myself attaching myself to the hurt of this world, I am saved by Him. He cleanses my body, spirit, and soul. I praise Him and find a wonderful peace under His wing.
It took my own study to finally get the courage to show God how much I love Him. Through the examples in His word-through David, Job, Moses, too many to mention. What separates me from them? Theologians may argue a countless number of things. But I would have to stand my ground and say to them that the only thing that separates me from the servants in His word is time. Purely time. There is no reason I can't love my God as much as any one of them. They were inspired by Him and they were able to experience Him in very real ways, but I have too. God calls Himself the I AM. Do we know what that means/? The I AM? the I. AM. I AM here. I AM present. I AM watching. I AM LOVING. I cant see how His reference to Himself can only exist in a time that's recorded in His word and no other- only that small segment of time.
What will I think when I meet Him? Will I think, "Yes, this is exactly what I imagined You would be like." Will I think, "Well, I actually was expecting more from You." My soul swells up to tears as I think that I can be so proud to imagine I might just have enough praise, thanksgiving, and love for His glory in my own feeble mind. How can the creation's thoughts ever be enough to imagine to the Creator?? This is why I'm convinced God could not show His glory to a living human being-He is too much to handle!! Why do I waste time while I'm here thinking small thoughts about my big Lord?
Meanwhile, I have the haunting ongoing dilemma-move on from sin or keep it around? When I realize what I'm doing, I just want to nail myself to my bedroom floor-never to move or be seen again. I never want to commit a sin against You! It is better I tie myself up. But no, He does the most amazing, completely irrational, freakily wonderful thing to my heart--through my conviction, he frees me. Takes the nails off of me and picks me up. He gives me courage and strength and then says to me (of all things!), "feed my sheep". Don't You know who You're talking to? Don't You know what I've done? Please, please. Your sheep are safer somewhere else.
I AM bigger than you are.
His grace frees me. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!! Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me! Hide me in the shadow of Your wings! I am Your servant forever!
How does it feel yearning for something you can't or don't have? How does it feel? We can all have Jesus-so I'm not talking about Him. Yearning for something you can't have or don't have-I have found it to be absolutely, without a doubt, the most terrible feeling in the world. What I'm talking about? Anything! Yearning or "loving" that big house, that lifestyle, that talent, that person, that image, those looks, those things, those circumstances, that change of events. "Loving" it so much that it takes all of you and it runs your life. "Loving" it so much that you replace your love for God with it-or worse yet-you never even thought of having love for God like you love those things. What. if. we. did? What if we pursued God the way we pursue that big house, lifestyle, etc.? What if we said to those things, "I love you, but I love God more." I've heard that said to something big before, and it was a lifechanging example. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. Amazing faith worked out for the glory of God and before God. What a transformation that ensued even in me-the meager witness! Arresting that feeling-taking the need for those things out of your heart and replacing them with God is a process. A true transformation that can take years. I believe that He wants to save us from that horrible feeling. I know He knows what the yearning does for us and so He wants us to give it up-put Him first-then He can give us blessings He has for us as His will is worked out (which are much better than what we can ever come up with ourselves-I know this firsthand!). But the hardest part-the giving up-takes faith. I know it does. It takes a broken, seeking heart.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Dear Heavenly Father on High, You sit in Your heavenly realms, and You see me from that holy, holy, holy place. "I want to see Your face, I want to know Your ways. Come to me, Lord. I want to please You. You reward me, and people like me-who honestly and diligently seek you. I want You more than this world. More than my way. Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are higher, Lord." ~Hillsong and me. I surrender myself, all that I am, to You and Your will. I will love You largely. I will imagine Your beautiful holiness and grace as much as my body can hold. O, that I were wind, I would gust at blazing speed to meet You. If I were water, I would search the dry to get to find You, I would rock to praise You. If I were fire, I would flame bright for You to find me. I would reach up high to touch You. If You see me here, dear Lord, know that I cannot wait be in Your midst in that day. I will sing at the top of my voice, I will not find a need to stop singing to You, dear I AM. I will find my being eager to be in Your presence. I will twirl and dance in joy in Your light. I was made to praise You.
Those words mean so much to me. I can't even begin to describe ethe feeling of loss and joy I have at the thought of throwing everything that I am and do on Him. It was He that showed me love-true and holy love. It was He that shows me happiness, passion, sadness, comfort, breath, life, light, everything good. My God-He is the great teacher of all that is holy and wise and good. When I find myself attaching myself to the hurt of this world, I am saved by Him. He cleanses my body, spirit, and soul. I praise Him and find a wonderful peace under His wing.
It took my own study to finally get the courage to show God how much I love Him. Through the examples in His word-through David, Job, Moses, too many to mention. What separates me from them? Theologians may argue a countless number of things. But I would have to stand my ground and say to them that the only thing that separates me from the servants in His word is time. Purely time. There is no reason I can't love my God as much as any one of them. They were inspired by Him and they were able to experience Him in very real ways, but I have too. God calls Himself the I AM. Do we know what that means/? The I AM? the I. AM. I AM here. I AM present. I AM watching. I AM LOVING. I cant see how His reference to Himself can only exist in a time that's recorded in His word and no other- only that small segment of time.
What will I think when I meet Him? Will I think, "Yes, this is exactly what I imagined You would be like." Will I think, "Well, I actually was expecting more from You." My soul swells up to tears as I think that I can be so proud to imagine I might just have enough praise, thanksgiving, and love for His glory in my own feeble mind. How can the creation's thoughts ever be enough to imagine to the Creator?? This is why I'm convinced God could not show His glory to a living human being-He is too much to handle!! Why do I waste time while I'm here thinking small thoughts about my big Lord?
Meanwhile, I have the haunting ongoing dilemma-move on from sin or keep it around? When I realize what I'm doing, I just want to nail myself to my bedroom floor-never to move or be seen again. I never want to commit a sin against You! It is better I tie myself up. But no, He does the most amazing, completely irrational, freakily wonderful thing to my heart--through my conviction, he frees me. Takes the nails off of me and picks me up. He gives me courage and strength and then says to me (of all things!), "feed my sheep". Don't You know who You're talking to? Don't You know what I've done? Please, please. Your sheep are safer somewhere else.
I AM bigger than you are.
His grace frees me. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!! Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me! Hide me in the shadow of Your wings! I am Your servant forever!
How does it feel yearning for something you can't or don't have? How does it feel? We can all have Jesus-so I'm not talking about Him. Yearning for something you can't have or don't have-I have found it to be absolutely, without a doubt, the most terrible feeling in the world. What I'm talking about? Anything! Yearning or "loving" that big house, that lifestyle, that talent, that person, that image, those looks, those things, those circumstances, that change of events. "Loving" it so much that it takes all of you and it runs your life. "Loving" it so much that you replace your love for God with it-or worse yet-you never even thought of having love for God like you love those things. What. if. we. did? What if we pursued God the way we pursue that big house, lifestyle, etc.? What if we said to those things, "I love you, but I love God more." I've heard that said to something big before, and it was a lifechanging example. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. Amazing faith worked out for the glory of God and before God. What a transformation that ensued even in me-the meager witness! Arresting that feeling-taking the need for those things out of your heart and replacing them with God is a process. A true transformation that can take years. I believe that He wants to save us from that horrible feeling. I know He knows what the yearning does for us and so He wants us to give it up-put Him first-then He can give us blessings He has for us as His will is worked out (which are much better than what we can ever come up with ourselves-I know this firsthand!). But the hardest part-the giving up-takes faith. I know it does. It takes a broken, seeking heart.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Dear Heavenly Father on High, You sit in Your heavenly realms, and You see me from that holy, holy, holy place. "I want to see Your face, I want to know Your ways. Come to me, Lord. I want to please You. You reward me, and people like me-who honestly and diligently seek you. I want You more than this world. More than my way. Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are higher, Lord." ~Hillsong and me. I surrender myself, all that I am, to You and Your will. I will love You largely. I will imagine Your beautiful holiness and grace as much as my body can hold. O, that I were wind, I would gust at blazing speed to meet You. If I were water, I would search the dry to get to find You, I would rock to praise You. If I were fire, I would flame bright for You to find me. I would reach up high to touch You. If You see me here, dear Lord, know that I cannot wait be in Your midst in that day. I will sing at the top of my voice, I will not find a need to stop singing to You, dear I AM. I will find my being eager to be in Your presence. I will twirl and dance in joy in Your light. I was made to praise You.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Above all, love each other deeply
The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Maybe you've heard this, read this, known this much of your Christian walk. Maybe you're reading it tonight and it seems new. However you come to it, I invite you to step up your purpose in the community of Christians that surround you-no matter where you are: church, work, shopping, walking, picking up your kids from daycare.
Recently (in the past two or three years), I've realized that there are believers all around me that believe in the same God that I do. Wow, Julizza, hello! Of course there are. What's the big deal? Well, I don't know about you, but I've been somewhat ashamed/private/not willing to admit that I have that in common with anyone other than my church friends. Why is that? I can't put my finger on it. I guess having a fear of how some of them believe or do things differently in their religion has caused me to feel like we worship separate Gods. Wow. What a tool for Satan. How easy is that for him to feed on? I have since thrown that aside; feeling Jesus-love between all others who love my Lord. "If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever." Not to me be the glory-to Christ be the glory! "Above all, love each other deeply." Who was God talking to when He put this in His word? Wasn't He talking to all of us? That solution sounds too easy. What about all the complications that develop, how do I address those? What if those complications (or even merely the fear of them) are exactly what Satan needs to gain a foothold on me? What if I simply trust God? What if that's what He wants from me? What if love is the way of the Lord? What if that's what He meant when He said that the world will know us by our love (not hate) for one another? Not just the ones who are in our vicinity on Sunday morning. I suppose I'm a dreamer. After all, the ways of the Lord are contrary to this world...
There was once a little girl who was an orphan in the church. She was picked up by door-knocking members of the church and rode the joy bus to school. She got candy when she got off the bus and was dropped off back home. While she was at church, she learned many things. She learned to love God. She learned to love others. She learned to love her parents and listen to what they ask her to do. She learned to love God more than anyone-even her parents. She learned to respect adults, to respect her teachers. She was adopted by families when she was too young to sit alone and they watched her throughout the sermon. She attended children's church and learned a multitude of songs, which she sang while she played alone on the playground at the school down the street. She learned to have faith. She developed a faith so bold that for several years she prayed nightly to God to not allow her to have dreams-good or bad. She was afraid of them. Nightly, God delivered. She awoke with no recollection of dreams from the night each morning. She grew up. She was bused to the church and learned, and bused back home. Wonderful disciples cared for her, invited her to their homes, provided for her family, provided for many of her deepest needs-love, guidance, and care. When she got older, her parents began to be more lenient in telling her she had to go to church. Sometimes it was a downright nuisance. Yet, she continued going because she believed everything she heard-she love God more than she loved her parents. She began wanting more. She wanted friends. She had a few-the children of the disciples that cared for her. But what about everybody else? No, she didn't go to that camp. No, she didn't make it to that devotional. No, she wasn't at that barbecue. No, she didn't know he was having a party. No, she wasn't invited to that get-together. No, she doesn't know them like that. Every Sunday, the now-teenage girl, longing for friendship at a very difficult time in her life, planned her acceptance to the group. Perhaps today the group will sit in the 6th and 7th rows during the sermon. She'll sit on the 6th and the group will sit with her. No, not today. The group is sitting on the 7th and 8th rows. Maybe next Sunday. Next Sunday they surely will sit on the 7th and 8th rows. She'll sit in the middle of the 7th row, perhaps she was blocking the group from coming into the pew by sitting on the end last time. No, not this Sunday. The group sits on the 6th and 7th rows. Perhaps next Sunday she should wait before sitting. Perhaps next Sunday she should go to the bathroom and go into the sermon late and thus know where they will be sitting and can join in. No, the pews are full; it looks like there's no room. Sunday after Sunday, she returns to church. Why? Sunday after Sunday she is missed. Why? "Above all, love each other deeply."
Her story doesn't end there. Her story is more common than we'd like to admit for the church. She doesn't have to be a girl, or an orphan. She just has to be anybody.
We are the church of the living Jesus Christ-Savior, Redeemer, Holy and Glorious in His Heavens and in all His ways-His ways are right, His love unfathomable, His power untouched. He watches our every move and He loves us all. As His people we, I, am called to love...above all else.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hidden
Well, it has been a very long time since I've written, although I don't easily stop thinking. I wonder how I can write down all the things that I hear and feel through the Spirit, but find my day full from morning til 11 at night. *Sigh* What can give? Plenty. Just need to re-assess!
Recently I have been going through a time of separation from the constant walk I've been accustomed to with God. I have been distracted and it was pointed out to me that my prayers have ceased. When this happens, my body starts to feel tired and my mind becomes cluttered. Recently it got to the point that I had to recognize that my life is not fullfilling anymore-something is wrong-I need to see God. I need to talk to Him. Thankfully, I have realized a place where I can hear God. I go for a jog around the neighborhood. I hope everyone can find a place like this for them. I really know that if I just take the time to take that jog, despite the busyness around me, that I can be found again and God can tell me what He's thinking. I have been praying for gifts of relationships and influence. God has gifted these things to me, except I haven't taken the gift in all seriousness. I have had secrets in my pocket. Like everyone else, I struggle with real sin. It leaves me distracted and pursuing things of this world. During this jog, God asked me where I've been. Why haven't I been praying? He hasn't known me every moment like He has before, and He wants me to realize why. He wants me to sacrifice myself once again and stand convicted before Him. He says to me, "Seek Me." When I've fallen this far and I don't want to go further, I always run back to step one. Praise, praise, praise. I have nothing left in me to offer but praise. In my praise, I am able to humble myself enough to hear the ways He wants me to live. I have found that I cannot help the people He gives me with a secret in my back pocket.
I was at bible class on Tuesday morning, the day after my jog, and the message delivered by Beth Moore that morning simply reinforced this. She pointed out Psalm 19:12-forgive my hidden faults, and in the original Hebrew, "keep me from secrets".
Psalm 19:7-14: The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and ll of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honedycomb. By them your servant is warned; in kepping them there is great reward. But who can discern their own errors? Forgive me my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Those willfull sins were those sins I knew I was stepping into and said, "I'm going to do what I want to do." I didn't feel any consequences from those sins...right away. They are hidden from sight-no one knows. Who doesn't experience that kind of sin? None of us are above it. If we have lived at all, then we have all experienced it. It feels like we may get away with it forever. Satan loves hidden things. He loves darkness. He's drawn to them and he's a great deceiver-he want us to trust him. When we do, we go through with it, and then he betrays us. Then our lives fall apart, our relationships are shattered, and we realize we've been betrayed. Some of us may never realize it and blame it all on God! Without a relationship with God, it seems like the easiest thing to do; you have no guage for what the best life is. You assume you're always meant to live the "so-so" life. Well, no, you're not. God brings joy-even through trials. Yet some of us who have known Him, let Him into us, will turn and realize God has been seeking us out the entire time. We didn't heed the warnings along the way, and He was there-waiting, patiently waiting, for us to seek Him too. He's not hard to find once you get there.
So then, with all this said, I have a decision to make. I have to decide between my secrets and my God. I have to decide to put aside any distraction (even if it's my children, my photography, my husband, my house, my things, my music) and set my eyes on His will for me. If I keep my secrets, He can't use me. It's that simple--for me. My spirit is too far in tune with Him to allow the darkness to be set before His holiness. I am His. Are those strangers worth it? Are they friends or aren't they? How much can I love them? Can I love them more than my secrets? Yes, I can. Will I? Yes, I will.
Recently I have been going through a time of separation from the constant walk I've been accustomed to with God. I have been distracted and it was pointed out to me that my prayers have ceased. When this happens, my body starts to feel tired and my mind becomes cluttered. Recently it got to the point that I had to recognize that my life is not fullfilling anymore-something is wrong-I need to see God. I need to talk to Him. Thankfully, I have realized a place where I can hear God. I go for a jog around the neighborhood. I hope everyone can find a place like this for them. I really know that if I just take the time to take that jog, despite the busyness around me, that I can be found again and God can tell me what He's thinking. I have been praying for gifts of relationships and influence. God has gifted these things to me, except I haven't taken the gift in all seriousness. I have had secrets in my pocket. Like everyone else, I struggle with real sin. It leaves me distracted and pursuing things of this world. During this jog, God asked me where I've been. Why haven't I been praying? He hasn't known me every moment like He has before, and He wants me to realize why. He wants me to sacrifice myself once again and stand convicted before Him. He says to me, "Seek Me." When I've fallen this far and I don't want to go further, I always run back to step one. Praise, praise, praise. I have nothing left in me to offer but praise. In my praise, I am able to humble myself enough to hear the ways He wants me to live. I have found that I cannot help the people He gives me with a secret in my back pocket.
I was at bible class on Tuesday morning, the day after my jog, and the message delivered by Beth Moore that morning simply reinforced this. She pointed out Psalm 19:12-forgive my hidden faults, and in the original Hebrew, "keep me from secrets".
Psalm 19:7-14: The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and ll of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honedycomb. By them your servant is warned; in kepping them there is great reward. But who can discern their own errors? Forgive me my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Those willfull sins were those sins I knew I was stepping into and said, "I'm going to do what I want to do." I didn't feel any consequences from those sins...right away. They are hidden from sight-no one knows. Who doesn't experience that kind of sin? None of us are above it. If we have lived at all, then we have all experienced it. It feels like we may get away with it forever. Satan loves hidden things. He loves darkness. He's drawn to them and he's a great deceiver-he want us to trust him. When we do, we go through with it, and then he betrays us. Then our lives fall apart, our relationships are shattered, and we realize we've been betrayed. Some of us may never realize it and blame it all on God! Without a relationship with God, it seems like the easiest thing to do; you have no guage for what the best life is. You assume you're always meant to live the "so-so" life. Well, no, you're not. God brings joy-even through trials. Yet some of us who have known Him, let Him into us, will turn and realize God has been seeking us out the entire time. We didn't heed the warnings along the way, and He was there-waiting, patiently waiting, for us to seek Him too. He's not hard to find once you get there.
So then, with all this said, I have a decision to make. I have to decide between my secrets and my God. I have to decide to put aside any distraction (even if it's my children, my photography, my husband, my house, my things, my music) and set my eyes on His will for me. If I keep my secrets, He can't use me. It's that simple--for me. My spirit is too far in tune with Him to allow the darkness to be set before His holiness. I am His. Are those strangers worth it? Are they friends or aren't they? How much can I love them? Can I love them more than my secrets? Yes, I can. Will I? Yes, I will.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Legacy
I'm behind on my blogs; I actually hit a hard wall for a few weeks and prayed and prayed for inspiration. It hasn't helped that I have been in a valley for a little over a week, maybe two. Even with my wall, God has been faithful and I've been blessed to have many opportunities of spiritual significance come my way. My spiritual "territory" was expanded and the opportunity to give God the glory for where my life is now was created. How good is God!
In my prayers for inspirations, I was seeking a word from the Lord about the legacy I want to be. My parents and their words of wisdom for me have created in me a desire and need to uplift their legacy in me to a height that cannot be denied. My mother continues to be on her faith journey and it has challenged me to get to know God better and pray that her journey be blessed. My father's words from when he was alive still speak to me and his desire for my life is still so clear in my heart. I want to be a legacy for my father in such a way that will bring him honor before the Lord when we stand next to each other one day in heaven. I want God to say to my father, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Then I want God to turn to my mother and me and say the same. This is the legacy I speak of. I want my life to uplift Jesus and reflect the love of God so that it cannot be missed and I want to make it so known to God that it was the seeds of my parents that were planted in me that spurred me on. His servants, my parents, did well.
I'm not exactly sure where this desire comes from and why it is so strong. I have prayed for and asked to feel the Spirit in it. I have looked and searched for a biblical reference, but alas, I could find none. Do you know the word "legacy" is nowhere in the bible (at least not in the NIV and the KJV only uses it once in Prov 3:5 The wise shall inherit glory, But shame shall be the legacy of fools)? There is no biblical reference that I could find that showed the son or daughter of a person becoming what they are in life because of the legacy created by their parents. I don't know about you, but that seemed so strange. Some synonyms were used often: inheritance, heritage, birthright. But these words are used in reference to real things--riches and land--even in the New Testament. Our legacy from Christ is riches in heaven that will not fade away. But what about character traits? Can I be a benefactor of faith? Can I inherit spirituality? Belief?
Thus enter the wall. For as I read my bible a few weeks ago, I remember hearing about a family of a very important character. The story talked about how he would inherit the faith of his ancestors. That was good news to me because as I think about the history of my father and mother, their families, and my ancestors, I can remember the stories of immense faith and belief in the unseen, the untouchable. They believed that God would provide them with a way, with food, with their daily needs. I know my father gave the credit to God for how he was able to provide for our family of 12. My mother gives credit to God for being able to take care of us all, many times alone. So when I read this story I thought, "Wow. That's great news. Now I know why I am the way I am--I've inherited faith." The problem is that when I went back to write this blog and pull the reference it was no longer there; I looked up everywhere I had been reading (I skip around at a lot). God hid it from me. I struggled with that, but I accepted it. I thought perhaps it's more complicated than what I'm trying to make it into. God has more for me to learn. He's not through with me yet.
I still haven't found that instance, that passage, that family. I'm ok--if it's there, then I'll find it again or someone reading this will send it to me. But what I learned from God through this was so profound that I am glad He hid it from me--He always has a plan and He knows I am teachable and I will continue to search. My true desire was to be able to tell others, "I have an inheritance of faith from my parents." God's response to that was, "What then of those who don't? Does it mean that they cannot have faith? How does that make them feel?" God and faith is open to all--inheritance or not. I also wanted to say, "God, my parents passed this down to me, please bless them and know that they shaped me well; they've done a good job with me." His response to me was, "Julizza, your faith is yours. You have chosen to believe. You have chosen to believe that I walk beside you, that I see you. Not everyone chooses to believe. Take credit for that belief." I don't like taking credit. Many times, I want someone else to get the credit. This trait of mine can be good and bad. God told me it is ok to take credit for my own faith and for the belief I have in Him. The truth he had for me hit me between the eyes. Can you recognize truth when you hear it? It doesn't always come from us (definitely not me). He is real.
So I was a little embarrassed. Here I thought I was doing something good, giving my parents all the credit. Here God uses me to teach me some truth along the way. I still am a legacy and I am still who I am because of the seeds they planted, so yes, they get a lot of the credit. But not totally. God says my belief is mine.
My father used to say to me, "Julizza, you have inherited strong genes. The Gomez family is strong in health. We don't get sickly, we don't get cancers, you'll never have to worry about your weight. You will be healthy all of your life. Always remember that--you have strong blood."
Well, I not only have strong blood, but I have strong faith. The Gomez/Holub family is strong in faith, in belief.
To my children, in whom I am trying so hard to instill a faith and zest for God: I, your mom, have strong faith. I truly believe that God works beside you and watches over you just because I ask Him to. I believe I talk to Jesus, I walk with God. I've changed God's mind before. I've asked Jesus to put on some shorts and running shoes; that robe and those sandals look funny and besides--we're jogging. You will be a legacy to me, and I pray that the faith you have one day will be from the seeds I have planted in you. I pray for you and I smile when I think about you. I picture the Creator with His canvas when He painted you. I know you are God's son and daughter, and I have been asked to take care of you for this short while and love you as much as I possibly can. You have strong blood. I pray that your legacy be one of faith and seeking, and may you choose to believe...and take credit for it.
Revelation 4:
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings.
Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever.
They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”
Thank you, God, for creating me. Thank you for the way I was made. I was made to bring You glory and honor and praise. You are holy, holy, holy dear Lord. You are my friend. You are my everlasting love. I want to breathe you into my whole body. My lungs cannot contain your breath; every air you inspire. Your wind and sweetness is too much for my humanity to bear. I look forward to the day that I can dwell in your holy presence; being filled with your light in the new body you have given me that can feel and breathe and has no limits to feeling your glory. You are my portion and my ultimate desire. Take a look at your servant, dear God. I am in love with You. ~jh
In my prayers for inspirations, I was seeking a word from the Lord about the legacy I want to be. My parents and their words of wisdom for me have created in me a desire and need to uplift their legacy in me to a height that cannot be denied. My mother continues to be on her faith journey and it has challenged me to get to know God better and pray that her journey be blessed. My father's words from when he was alive still speak to me and his desire for my life is still so clear in my heart. I want to be a legacy for my father in such a way that will bring him honor before the Lord when we stand next to each other one day in heaven. I want God to say to my father, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Then I want God to turn to my mother and me and say the same. This is the legacy I speak of. I want my life to uplift Jesus and reflect the love of God so that it cannot be missed and I want to make it so known to God that it was the seeds of my parents that were planted in me that spurred me on. His servants, my parents, did well.
I'm not exactly sure where this desire comes from and why it is so strong. I have prayed for and asked to feel the Spirit in it. I have looked and searched for a biblical reference, but alas, I could find none. Do you know the word "legacy" is nowhere in the bible (at least not in the NIV and the KJV only uses it once in Prov 3:5 The wise shall inherit glory, But shame shall be the legacy of fools)? There is no biblical reference that I could find that showed the son or daughter of a person becoming what they are in life because of the legacy created by their parents. I don't know about you, but that seemed so strange. Some synonyms were used often: inheritance, heritage, birthright. But these words are used in reference to real things--riches and land--even in the New Testament. Our legacy from Christ is riches in heaven that will not fade away. But what about character traits? Can I be a benefactor of faith? Can I inherit spirituality? Belief?
Thus enter the wall. For as I read my bible a few weeks ago, I remember hearing about a family of a very important character. The story talked about how he would inherit the faith of his ancestors. That was good news to me because as I think about the history of my father and mother, their families, and my ancestors, I can remember the stories of immense faith and belief in the unseen, the untouchable. They believed that God would provide them with a way, with food, with their daily needs. I know my father gave the credit to God for how he was able to provide for our family of 12. My mother gives credit to God for being able to take care of us all, many times alone. So when I read this story I thought, "Wow. That's great news. Now I know why I am the way I am--I've inherited faith." The problem is that when I went back to write this blog and pull the reference it was no longer there; I looked up everywhere I had been reading (I skip around at a lot). God hid it from me. I struggled with that, but I accepted it. I thought perhaps it's more complicated than what I'm trying to make it into. God has more for me to learn. He's not through with me yet.
I still haven't found that instance, that passage, that family. I'm ok--if it's there, then I'll find it again or someone reading this will send it to me. But what I learned from God through this was so profound that I am glad He hid it from me--He always has a plan and He knows I am teachable and I will continue to search. My true desire was to be able to tell others, "I have an inheritance of faith from my parents." God's response to that was, "What then of those who don't? Does it mean that they cannot have faith? How does that make them feel?" God and faith is open to all--inheritance or not. I also wanted to say, "God, my parents passed this down to me, please bless them and know that they shaped me well; they've done a good job with me." His response to me was, "Julizza, your faith is yours. You have chosen to believe. You have chosen to believe that I walk beside you, that I see you. Not everyone chooses to believe. Take credit for that belief." I don't like taking credit. Many times, I want someone else to get the credit. This trait of mine can be good and bad. God told me it is ok to take credit for my own faith and for the belief I have in Him. The truth he had for me hit me between the eyes. Can you recognize truth when you hear it? It doesn't always come from us (definitely not me). He is real.
So I was a little embarrassed. Here I thought I was doing something good, giving my parents all the credit. Here God uses me to teach me some truth along the way. I still am a legacy and I am still who I am because of the seeds they planted, so yes, they get a lot of the credit. But not totally. God says my belief is mine.
My father used to say to me, "Julizza, you have inherited strong genes. The Gomez family is strong in health. We don't get sickly, we don't get cancers, you'll never have to worry about your weight. You will be healthy all of your life. Always remember that--you have strong blood."
Well, I not only have strong blood, but I have strong faith. The Gomez/Holub family is strong in faith, in belief.
To my children, in whom I am trying so hard to instill a faith and zest for God: I, your mom, have strong faith. I truly believe that God works beside you and watches over you just because I ask Him to. I believe I talk to Jesus, I walk with God. I've changed God's mind before. I've asked Jesus to put on some shorts and running shoes; that robe and those sandals look funny and besides--we're jogging. You will be a legacy to me, and I pray that the faith you have one day will be from the seeds I have planted in you. I pray for you and I smile when I think about you. I picture the Creator with His canvas when He painted you. I know you are God's son and daughter, and I have been asked to take care of you for this short while and love you as much as I possibly can. You have strong blood. I pray that your legacy be one of faith and seeking, and may you choose to believe...and take credit for it.
Revelation 4:
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings.
Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever.
They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”
Thank you, God, for creating me. Thank you for the way I was made. I was made to bring You glory and honor and praise. You are holy, holy, holy dear Lord. You are my friend. You are my everlasting love. I want to breathe you into my whole body. My lungs cannot contain your breath; every air you inspire. Your wind and sweetness is too much for my humanity to bear. I look forward to the day that I can dwell in your holy presence; being filled with your light in the new body you have given me that can feel and breathe and has no limits to feeling your glory. You are my portion and my ultimate desire. Take a look at your servant, dear God. I am in love with You. ~jh
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Endurance, Tenacity, Fear?
I find that my time with God has become a very precious thing to me now. It wasn't always like that. I used to really shy away from it...I suppose the fear of self-reflecting was too great.
Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.
I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?
In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?
It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!
Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.
Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."
How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.
May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!
Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.
I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?
In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?
It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!
Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.
Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."
How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.
May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!
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