My spiritual journey. Praise be to God!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Discipline
Pride comes in so many different forms; there's no way to count them all. I search and search for the pride in my heart and I find new ways that my pride conquers. I often pray for pride to be expelled from my heart because I know that only when it is gone can Jesus shine through...
And with that I know that I need discipline to stay sanctified. Discipline & sanctification in today's terms have such bad connotations and there's really no other word for them. They are holy words and satan loves to make us think they are bad. If I say I need to stay sanctified, people automatically think about lust, but sin is sin, and there's plenty more than just lust-pride is what I have struggled with recently.
"Discipline" has almost been thrown out the window in our society, to our demise. It isn't an act. It's a joy, a goal, a tough, tough, tough learned goodness that comes only from God-nowhere else. I have enjoyed His discipline of late and it helps me understand life so much better. I embrace it, lean on it, love it, and struggle with it. It's so hard and so rewarding all at the same time. It allows Him to speak to me, it allows Him to work in me and through me, it even allows Him to give me dreams. Without discipline, He can't create a good work in me [1]. With it, he can create everything-for He is the creator. He makes things out of no things. Not only can he create out of nothing[2], but it's a piece of art every time. It is amazing-almost as amazing as Him. What wonders...
I deeply appreciate God's vision and I trust His judgement on my heart. Just by knowing things about myself makes things happening in my life that I'm struggling with already fine. I'm ok with admitting my downfalls-as tiny as this pride was, satan can still use it, so I'll let Jesus have it and let it go [3]. It takes discipline to not act the way I want to and to know what I have inside of me.
Searching and allowing God to tell me what's going on in my heart is the most wonderful gift I can give myself. God-seeking self-perception. How I do it is by admitting to God in my prayers the simplest feelings I'm having. I just say them. "Lord, I am struggling with this {Spirit inserts words for what I'm feeling[4]}. Help me to deal with this." I sometimes ask Him to dispell them (especially pride). All the while, I keep my heart as an aching, humble[5], bendable, changeable one. Then I stop. Similar to what Eli instructed Samuel [6], I say, "Speak, Lord, I am here." And then He speaks. His voice is like mine but it's truths instead of what I would say. It teaches me and I grow in wisdom. He gives me phrases and challenges my heart. I sometimes battle him and plead my case, but His truth is strong. If I 'm confused, I tell Him. I reveal everything-nothing goes unexpressed. And He speaks. I don't grow alone-it's impossible. I may not perceive other things about myself so well, but my heart is what I need to work on with God the most-it's what He cares for the most. In time, everything else will straighten out ("in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:6).
May God bless you and keep you[7]. May you try these things yourself. May you be disciplined. May God make His face to shine upon you. May I not stand in the way of the light.
~J
[1] Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Phillipians 1:6
[2] Now the earth was formless and empty...and God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. ~Genesis 2:2-3
[3] ...do not give the devil a foothold. ~Ephesians 4:27
[4] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ~Romans 8:26
[5] Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD...and because you wept in my presence, I also have heard you, declares the LORD. ~2 Kings 22:19
[6] So Eli told Samuel, "...if he calls you, say, 'Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.'" 1 Samuel 3:9
[7] The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. ~Numbers 6: 24-26
And with that I know that I need discipline to stay sanctified. Discipline & sanctification in today's terms have such bad connotations and there's really no other word for them. They are holy words and satan loves to make us think they are bad. If I say I need to stay sanctified, people automatically think about lust, but sin is sin, and there's plenty more than just lust-pride is what I have struggled with recently.
"Discipline" has almost been thrown out the window in our society, to our demise. It isn't an act. It's a joy, a goal, a tough, tough, tough learned goodness that comes only from God-nowhere else. I have enjoyed His discipline of late and it helps me understand life so much better. I embrace it, lean on it, love it, and struggle with it. It's so hard and so rewarding all at the same time. It allows Him to speak to me, it allows Him to work in me and through me, it even allows Him to give me dreams. Without discipline, He can't create a good work in me [1]. With it, he can create everything-for He is the creator. He makes things out of no things. Not only can he create out of nothing[2], but it's a piece of art every time. It is amazing-almost as amazing as Him. What wonders...
I deeply appreciate God's vision and I trust His judgement on my heart. Just by knowing things about myself makes things happening in my life that I'm struggling with already fine. I'm ok with admitting my downfalls-as tiny as this pride was, satan can still use it, so I'll let Jesus have it and let it go [3]. It takes discipline to not act the way I want to and to know what I have inside of me.
Searching and allowing God to tell me what's going on in my heart is the most wonderful gift I can give myself. God-seeking self-perception. How I do it is by admitting to God in my prayers the simplest feelings I'm having. I just say them. "Lord, I am struggling with this {Spirit inserts words for what I'm feeling[4]}. Help me to deal with this." I sometimes ask Him to dispell them (especially pride). All the while, I keep my heart as an aching, humble[5], bendable, changeable one. Then I stop. Similar to what Eli instructed Samuel [6], I say, "Speak, Lord, I am here." And then He speaks. His voice is like mine but it's truths instead of what I would say. It teaches me and I grow in wisdom. He gives me phrases and challenges my heart. I sometimes battle him and plead my case, but His truth is strong. If I 'm confused, I tell Him. I reveal everything-nothing goes unexpressed. And He speaks. I don't grow alone-it's impossible. I may not perceive other things about myself so well, but my heart is what I need to work on with God the most-it's what He cares for the most. In time, everything else will straighten out ("in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:6).
May God bless you and keep you[7]. May you try these things yourself. May you be disciplined. May God make His face to shine upon you. May I not stand in the way of the light.
~J
[1] Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Phillipians 1:6
[2] Now the earth was formless and empty...and God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. ~Genesis 2:2-3
[3] ...do not give the devil a foothold. ~Ephesians 4:27
[4] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ~Romans 8:26
[5] Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD...and because you wept in my presence, I also have heard you, declares the LORD. ~2 Kings 22:19
[6] So Eli told Samuel, "...if he calls you, say, 'Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.'" 1 Samuel 3:9
[7] The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. ~Numbers 6: 24-26
Friday, November 2, 2012
Happy 10th Anniversary
This slot has been a devious one for me. I have shuffled people through it like a card game. People push themselves in or I place them there. What does it really mean? I've thought and thought about this even to this day. I've gone back and forth, doubted, pained, and have even allowed to be torn apart by it. I've contemplated and prayed and God has filled me with a wisdom that only comes from heaven about what this really means. He has shown me it takes time and sanctification to realize what I have. Time needs to pass in order to create memories, hard times and good times, and to witness love and joy at its holy and organic roots. I've come to see why you ARE the Love of My Life.
Friendship.
You probably remember me scoffing at all the cute things we saw while picking out our wedding frames and wall art depicting "I Married my Best Friend". Do you remember that? I used to think that was such a slap against marriage. Marriage is for love, not for friendship. My naivete was never worse about this subject. I have learned that I love you more now that I allow myself to be your friend. You've always been my friend. I've simply and truly never allowed myself to fully become yours-I feel like I never experienced deep friendship and love at the same time. Even so, it's not an excuse. I apologize for not understanding what you've been doing all this time. I can't believe I've wasted so much time. I've spent so much time picking apart who you are and traded our friendship in for easy cut-downs and jokes. What a slap against marriage! I am not wasting time anymore. I am your BEST friend now. You can come to me about anything. You measure 1000 times more than my friends that choose to be there one day and are gone the next. You are the Friend of My Life.
Faithfulness.
You exhibit faithfulness in more ways than anyone other than me can ever know. You are not only faithful to me, you are faithful to our children. You don't forget them, you don't allow them to go without understanding their disciplines. You have been faithful in telling us all goodbye when we leave the house. Every. Time. When I'm sick, you are taking care of me and the kids. You have faithfulness bleeding from your heart. It is part of who you are. Even when things are horrible and we're screaming at each other, or we're taking each other to the "fault bank", you always come back. It takes me longer than it takes you, but we always come back.
Forgiveness.
I remember a time in our lives where we were falling apart. We hurt each other. When it came down to it, you chose to forgive me for what I had done. It took me longer than it did you. Your choice to forgive so readily changed everything about us. That forgiveness has reaped a fruit of trust, respect and joy that I feel will last us until we die. I will surely never forget it. You will find that I love you more from this trait than from any other thing. I have found that you have decided you will always forgive me-no matter what-even before I knew you had. And although the lump in my throat is large, I have to admit it hasn't always been equal for me. I'm not sure if I was where you are. I want to give you a gift today on our anniversary that I've never truly given you before. Maybe I have on a surface level, but I certainly have never vocalized it nor have I wanted to. Too fearful to love you enough I suppose. But God doesn't create that fear, Satan does, so now I denounce it. I want to gift to you "forgiveness". Now and forever-just as you've forgiven me. Just as my God has forgiven me. Harvey, no matter what you do, I will always forgive you. I will die next to you and I want you to know that now. I will always forgive you.
Love.
Through forgiveness comes love. Love creates family and joy that nothing else can. Our family is sooo worth it. Separately we have our faiths-but then our faith has brought us together. Our God has worked miracles in our lives and in the lives of our children. I write like this day is my last and if it were-God forbid-you will know that I love you. I always will. Harvey, YOU are the Love of My Life. Happy 10th Anniversary, Dear One.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Gomez Family Reunion 2012
I was blessed to meet and get to know many of you this past Saturday! So glad to be able to take this picture for us all to help us remember what our wonderful day was like. Thank you to all who put our reunion together!
You may download the hi-resolution image HERE or on Facebook. You can get it printed anywhere you'd like. I suggest keeping the dimensions of the original picture since altering it may cut off people from the ends.
Print your picture in the following dimensions so you won't lose anyone:
4x6, 8x12, 16x24, 20x30
*I do not suggest printing the picture as an 8x10 or 5x7. It will cut people off the sides.
You may also have my professional lab print your picture and have it shipped to you. The lab print will come mounted on matboard to prevent warping over time. The color and brightness will match the original file exactly. Here are the options for a professional print that you can have framed yourself (the prices for all items listed below are at cost):
You may want to leave the framing and matting to the professionals at the lab to save time. In that case, I've added this option for you. I've chosen a brown toffee crunch frame to match the bark of the tree and keep the print's lighthearted feel. The frame is 22x30 at the opening with a double white 16x24 mat. The frame thickness is 2.75 inches. $200 includes shipping.
Here is what the final product will look like:
Enjoy! Please let me know if you have any questions. My email is jholub@capturingcreations.com.
You may download the hi-resolution image HERE or on Facebook. You can get it printed anywhere you'd like. I suggest keeping the dimensions of the original picture since altering it may cut off people from the ends.
Print your picture in the following dimensions so you won't lose anyone:
4x6, 8x12, 16x24, 20x30
*I do not suggest printing the picture as an 8x10 or 5x7. It will cut people off the sides.
You may also have my professional lab print your picture and have it shipped to you. The lab print will come mounted on matboard to prevent warping over time. The color and brightness will match the original file exactly. Here are the options for a professional print that you can have framed yourself (the prices for all items listed below are at cost):
You may want to leave the framing and matting to the professionals at the lab to save time. In that case, I've added this option for you. I've chosen a brown toffee crunch frame to match the bark of the tree and keep the print's lighthearted feel. The frame is 22x30 at the opening with a double white 16x24 mat. The frame thickness is 2.75 inches. $200 includes shipping.
Here is what the final product will look like:
Enjoy! Please let me know if you have any questions. My email is jholub@capturingcreations.com.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Self-Absorption
I admit it. I am guilty. I am guilty of self-absorption. It's so easy to become self-absorbed. Many times you don't even realize it's happening. You only see the signs...after awhile...if you've lived for others in the past. I've noticed I haven't called someone to see how they are doing nearly as much as I used to or hardly at all, I've noticed I haven't volunteered to help anyone either. I've noticed I don't know what's going on in some close friends' lives. I've noticed I haven't paid someone else's bill. Until tonight. Now, I'm awake.
A life like mine needs a constant reminder of Jesus in it. If I don't purposely seek out His word, I am flooded with great reasons to be self-absorbed. I find it easy to simply take care of my own business-running my household, dealing with my feelings, and living in my bubble. Tonight I went to a devotional where I was challenged to do something off the wall for someone else this week...and I did.
Sometimes a busy mom has to go grocery shopping pretty late at night. Tonight was one of those nights. I dutifully grabbed some groceries and headed to the checkout line. No distractions this late at night really...I actually was not looking at my phone. Instead I found myself staring into the air and halfway listening to the conversation between a husband and wife in line in front of me. Then a familiarity in their conversation caught my attention and I became fixated on their situation. They were a Spanish-speaking family of four...and they were nervously watching their bill mount. I could understand them talking about the mounting food bill...the wife updating the husband every thirty dollars or so. The kids played around the shopping cart; ignorant to the weight on their parents shoulders standing 2 feet from them. I saw them exchange a look I remember so well from my past-that look of nervousness. The look has so many meanings. "How are we going to get through this month?" "Why do we have to consume so much?" "Are you sure we need this much?" "I hope nothing happens." It reminded me of my family. It was the familiarity in the words-words I had heard my own father or mother, brother, or sister speak in the checkout line when I tagged along. It took me back to those days of hunger and worry. I hate that feeling. The constant worry. I nervously decided that tonight, this family, would not worry. I would pay the bill. Would I really? No, I probably can't. Financially, this might get me in trouble. How do I do it? "Swipe your card at the end of the transaction," the Spirit whispers. I wish I knew how much it was. Does it matter? It will be worth it for them not to worry. Yes, they look too much like how it used to be...they are my family. It is worth it...no matter how much. God will take care of us-His finances are backwards-not like mine... I waited until the cashier announced the amount and the wife exchanged words-maybe an update-with the husband. It was my chance. Don't let it pass by... Not knowing if she would understand exactly what I was doing, I asked her to allow me into the credit card machine. She told her husband they would wait to pay until I was done doing what I was doing...she politely let me by. I ran my credit card through and the cashier asked me if I wanted to add on my things. I said no and took the receipt from him. I handed it to her. She asked, "and what is this?" I told her, "I paid for it. God told me to pay and so I did. Don't worry. Have a good night." I pat her on her shoulder and smiled. I shook throughout my whole body; I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do except turn around and start putting my own things on the counter. They lingered and talked to one another...baffled. They told me thank you and smiled. The husband simply scratched his head and looked down. They were speechless. They walked a little further and I continued to shake, keep a smile on, and put the rest of my items on the belt. They spoke to their kids. They told their daughter to come and tell me thank you. She told the cashier thank you-she was confused. I told her she was welcome and bid them a good night again. They both bid me a good night. I smiled and I didn't stop...until I got to my car, unloaded all of my groceries, and then closed the door and sat inside alone. Then I cried. Jesus did that for us. He paid the "bill" for us. How wonderful it feels. How He must have cried after.
Yes, they looked like my family. I remember receiving food from others...it felt so good that I would eat it differently. Everything tasted better-all of a sudden the same food you've always had before was sweeter. You were free to enjoy it. The weightlessness of it was rewarding. My part in blessing that family was the best feeling in the world...why don't I do that more often? How will it feel for them to carry that food into their home having not spent a dime? I know that feeling, actually...and it's a great one.
Thank you, God, for blessing me in order to bless others. Thank you for putting these resources in my care. I want to do better with them. You have asked me to take care of the widows, orphans, and the poor. I will.
I remember a religious speaker say once that you can't expect that God will bless you so that you will go and bless others. God wants to see what you do with the blessings that you have right now. If you share your blessings now, you will share them later. If you don't share them right now, you won't magically start sharing them later. So his point was...if you expect to give to the poor when you're rich, then you should already be giving when you're not. It's kind of like training. Then God can bless you and He will know what you'll do with it. In all blessings, not just money, I want to do better about taking care of them and blessing others with them now, not only when they are in abundance.
Lord, I want to do it over and over again. I want to get so good at it that it's all I live for. I love Your command--love one another. Thank you for the devotional it took tonight to wake me up from my self-absorption.
A life like mine needs a constant reminder of Jesus in it. If I don't purposely seek out His word, I am flooded with great reasons to be self-absorbed. I find it easy to simply take care of my own business-running my household, dealing with my feelings, and living in my bubble. Tonight I went to a devotional where I was challenged to do something off the wall for someone else this week...and I did.
Sometimes a busy mom has to go grocery shopping pretty late at night. Tonight was one of those nights. I dutifully grabbed some groceries and headed to the checkout line. No distractions this late at night really...I actually was not looking at my phone. Instead I found myself staring into the air and halfway listening to the conversation between a husband and wife in line in front of me. Then a familiarity in their conversation caught my attention and I became fixated on their situation. They were a Spanish-speaking family of four...and they were nervously watching their bill mount. I could understand them talking about the mounting food bill...the wife updating the husband every thirty dollars or so. The kids played around the shopping cart; ignorant to the weight on their parents shoulders standing 2 feet from them. I saw them exchange a look I remember so well from my past-that look of nervousness. The look has so many meanings. "How are we going to get through this month?" "Why do we have to consume so much?" "Are you sure we need this much?" "I hope nothing happens." It reminded me of my family. It was the familiarity in the words-words I had heard my own father or mother, brother, or sister speak in the checkout line when I tagged along. It took me back to those days of hunger and worry. I hate that feeling. The constant worry. I nervously decided that tonight, this family, would not worry. I would pay the bill. Would I really? No, I probably can't. Financially, this might get me in trouble. How do I do it? "Swipe your card at the end of the transaction," the Spirit whispers. I wish I knew how much it was. Does it matter? It will be worth it for them not to worry. Yes, they look too much like how it used to be...they are my family. It is worth it...no matter how much. God will take care of us-His finances are backwards-not like mine... I waited until the cashier announced the amount and the wife exchanged words-maybe an update-with the husband. It was my chance. Don't let it pass by... Not knowing if she would understand exactly what I was doing, I asked her to allow me into the credit card machine. She told her husband they would wait to pay until I was done doing what I was doing...she politely let me by. I ran my credit card through and the cashier asked me if I wanted to add on my things. I said no and took the receipt from him. I handed it to her. She asked, "and what is this?" I told her, "I paid for it. God told me to pay and so I did. Don't worry. Have a good night." I pat her on her shoulder and smiled. I shook throughout my whole body; I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do except turn around and start putting my own things on the counter. They lingered and talked to one another...baffled. They told me thank you and smiled. The husband simply scratched his head and looked down. They were speechless. They walked a little further and I continued to shake, keep a smile on, and put the rest of my items on the belt. They spoke to their kids. They told their daughter to come and tell me thank you. She told the cashier thank you-she was confused. I told her she was welcome and bid them a good night again. They both bid me a good night. I smiled and I didn't stop...until I got to my car, unloaded all of my groceries, and then closed the door and sat inside alone. Then I cried. Jesus did that for us. He paid the "bill" for us. How wonderful it feels. How He must have cried after.
Yes, they looked like my family. I remember receiving food from others...it felt so good that I would eat it differently. Everything tasted better-all of a sudden the same food you've always had before was sweeter. You were free to enjoy it. The weightlessness of it was rewarding. My part in blessing that family was the best feeling in the world...why don't I do that more often? How will it feel for them to carry that food into their home having not spent a dime? I know that feeling, actually...and it's a great one.
Thank you, God, for blessing me in order to bless others. Thank you for putting these resources in my care. I want to do better with them. You have asked me to take care of the widows, orphans, and the poor. I will.
I remember a religious speaker say once that you can't expect that God will bless you so that you will go and bless others. God wants to see what you do with the blessings that you have right now. If you share your blessings now, you will share them later. If you don't share them right now, you won't magically start sharing them later. So his point was...if you expect to give to the poor when you're rich, then you should already be giving when you're not. It's kind of like training. Then God can bless you and He will know what you'll do with it. In all blessings, not just money, I want to do better about taking care of them and blessing others with them now, not only when they are in abundance.
Lord, I want to do it over and over again. I want to get so good at it that it's all I live for. I love Your command--love one another. Thank you for the devotional it took tonight to wake me up from my self-absorption.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Pure
"To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted." Titus 1:15
I've been absent from blogging for one reason and one reason only: I've allowed to let my earthly desires and selfishness get a hold of me. I've taken a hit in my purity walk and it only took an event or two for it to happen. Much like a boxer coming back from consciousness after being laid out on the ring floor, I am slowly and steadily trying to stand, bloodied and bruised. Actually, I'm crying. Satan has had his way long enough. So I take off my gloves, and unlike my culture teaches me, I give up. I hand my gloves over to someone else. Jesus walks in. Will I let Him fight for me? Or do I think I can still defeat Satan?
"They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good." Titus 1:16
This has been me recently. Paul has some heavy words to say about me, I'll admit, and it's tough to take. I'll glaze over being detestable and know that through being disobedient, I've been unfit for doing much (not any) good. My conscience has been inked and that small spot of ink has dirtied the pure waters of my heart.
I've noticed the lives I've led-a pure God-seeking life, and a selfish self-seeking one, and I find so much joy in the first; heartache in the second. In fact, the heartache is so profound, it disables me. It cripples my feel for people, my love for what is holy and beautiful. Worse than that, it disguises itself so I'm not even sure I'm suffering. The only way I can tell I am is that I am not able to lay myself and my resources out for people. I cannot be poured! When I am, it's tiring. The heartache teaches me a new kind of "beautiful"-a counterfeit. Satan is the master of counterfeits. He will take anything that is pure and make a counterfeit so we will believe in it instead. He's very good at it. So I take that heartache and I swallow it down. I quench the Spirit within me...stop talking. "I'm ok. It will all be fine."
I am a believer. But I am not pure. Do I have the faith it takes to allow Jesus to step in, defeat this enemy, wipe me clean, then obey what He asks me to do? Will I allow it? Will I harden my heart when the Spirit urges me again to call for help? Or will I soften it and believe my riches are in heaven-not here. Am I searching for a better country? Or do I want to return to my old one? By faith "they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." Hebrews 11:15-16.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for." Hebrews 11:1
I remember thinking how awesome it was when Jesus said we need only to have faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. I remember having the purity of heart and the love for Jesus that made me say, "I'm not shooting for a mustard seed...I'm shooting higher."
I do have faith. Acting out faith is so much harder. I want the book of God to say, "By faith, Julizza chose Christ and what is pure over herself when she ... and He prepared a place for her."
"God again set a certain day, calling it 'Today.' This he did when a long time later he spoke through David...'Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.'" Hebrews 4:7
What will I do today when I hear his voice? God has instructed me not to do what I have become accustomed to doing recently--harden my heart. So today I take my gloves off, soften my heart, cry out to Jesus, and He sends His angels to minister to me from our corner. "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?" Hebrews 1:14
Although Jesus already knows what I need, this blog helps me with that cry.
"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned." Hebrews 6:7
The rain that falls are the very words of God, the teachings, and the Spirit that reminds. I want to produce a crop, O God! I know You will test and see where my heart is as I bear fruit...Your word is alive and it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, and judges the thoughts and attitudes of my heart. Nothing within me is hidden from Your sight, so when I hand these gloves over...may I do it fully. May the aroma of my surrender be pleasing to You. May I taste and enjoy the purity that comes from a life thrown upon You once again.
To be continued...
I've been absent from blogging for one reason and one reason only: I've allowed to let my earthly desires and selfishness get a hold of me. I've taken a hit in my purity walk and it only took an event or two for it to happen. Much like a boxer coming back from consciousness after being laid out on the ring floor, I am slowly and steadily trying to stand, bloodied and bruised. Actually, I'm crying. Satan has had his way long enough. So I take off my gloves, and unlike my culture teaches me, I give up. I hand my gloves over to someone else. Jesus walks in. Will I let Him fight for me? Or do I think I can still defeat Satan?
"They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good." Titus 1:16
This has been me recently. Paul has some heavy words to say about me, I'll admit, and it's tough to take. I'll glaze over being detestable and know that through being disobedient, I've been unfit for doing much (not any) good. My conscience has been inked and that small spot of ink has dirtied the pure waters of my heart.
I've noticed the lives I've led-a pure God-seeking life, and a selfish self-seeking one, and I find so much joy in the first; heartache in the second. In fact, the heartache is so profound, it disables me. It cripples my feel for people, my love for what is holy and beautiful. Worse than that, it disguises itself so I'm not even sure I'm suffering. The only way I can tell I am is that I am not able to lay myself and my resources out for people. I cannot be poured! When I am, it's tiring. The heartache teaches me a new kind of "beautiful"-a counterfeit. Satan is the master of counterfeits. He will take anything that is pure and make a counterfeit so we will believe in it instead. He's very good at it. So I take that heartache and I swallow it down. I quench the Spirit within me...stop talking. "I'm ok. It will all be fine."
I am a believer. But I am not pure. Do I have the faith it takes to allow Jesus to step in, defeat this enemy, wipe me clean, then obey what He asks me to do? Will I allow it? Will I harden my heart when the Spirit urges me again to call for help? Or will I soften it and believe my riches are in heaven-not here. Am I searching for a better country? Or do I want to return to my old one? By faith "they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." Hebrews 11:15-16.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for." Hebrews 11:1
I remember thinking how awesome it was when Jesus said we need only to have faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. I remember having the purity of heart and the love for Jesus that made me say, "I'm not shooting for a mustard seed...I'm shooting higher."
I do have faith. Acting out faith is so much harder. I want the book of God to say, "By faith, Julizza chose Christ and what is pure over herself when she ... and He prepared a place for her."
"God again set a certain day, calling it 'Today.' This he did when a long time later he spoke through David...'Today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.'" Hebrews 4:7
What will I do today when I hear his voice? God has instructed me not to do what I have become accustomed to doing recently--harden my heart. So today I take my gloves off, soften my heart, cry out to Jesus, and He sends His angels to minister to me from our corner. "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?" Hebrews 1:14
Although Jesus already knows what I need, this blog helps me with that cry.
"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned." Hebrews 6:7
The rain that falls are the very words of God, the teachings, and the Spirit that reminds. I want to produce a crop, O God! I know You will test and see where my heart is as I bear fruit...Your word is alive and it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, and judges the thoughts and attitudes of my heart. Nothing within me is hidden from Your sight, so when I hand these gloves over...may I do it fully. May the aroma of my surrender be pleasing to You. May I taste and enjoy the purity that comes from a life thrown upon You once again.
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sanitized
Recently I was met by a profound feeling of loss when my brother expressed his unbelief in God to me...and it left me feeling so selfish. I've known it a long time and the sharing was respectful-we have a mutual respect for each other, but it left me thinking about what I have hidden from him and the world all of this time. What am I doing? When will I begin to share this amazing gift of peace I feel inside?
Profound loss and sorrow are natural feelings. Jesus had them and it's a feeling God would rather not have when He thinks about us, His creation. Even God doesn't want to feel loss-that can't be any clearer to me as I read about His love for us and the sacrifice He endured. He, Mary, the disciples, Jesus...all of them experienced the biggest loss the world has ever known, but then also have and will experience the greatest victory the world will ever know. He wants us all to be with Him. All of us. The world. Yet we know that not all of us will be there. I know this, yet, I'd rather be comfortable? What's wrong with me? Sharing isn't pushing, loving isn't fighting...I don't mean all of that. I mean truly sharing my comfort in Christ and loving people.
In my sorrow, I got on my knees and I prayed. I felt so deeply about this loss that I made a plea. I have been afraid to know that what I do with God in private is "wrong" or not normal. I wonder about how people that love God talk to Him, even the spiritual strongmen of the bible. Paul, Job, David...what did it look like to talk to God for each of them? Am I somehow doing it wrong? My tears are messy. I need to wipe my nose a lot...did this happen to them too? As I cried, I felt compelled to write my brother's name in the carpet. I wrote his name with my finger in the carpet. I didn't stop there...I wrote more names...and I didn't know why I felt like doing it, I just did. Was this wrong? Am I supposed to do this? I didn't care. It felt right. I felt like that was my plea that those names be written in the Book of Life. "Here, God, see these names... H..., M..., E..., A.... and as I wrote, praying...see them and know them, and add them to your Book, please God." I just kept writing and crying. My tears got on the carpet. My hair in my face. Was my plea biblical? It's not about that. My plea was spiritual. I was in contact with my Lord and I had a case to bring to Him. Was it sanitary? No. I can't imagine how the spiritual strongmen I look up to ever stayed clean.
What if there are years of unsanitized prayer represented in our world's history? What if when God tells us He will wipe away our tears, He means the tears we have shed in begging and pleading and praying in His presence? What if being spiritually strong isn't sanitary? It's not pretty to cry, or kneel, or fall on your face. No one wants to know about that, see it. We want everyone to think we've never had a frown-at least I have caught myself doing that. Besides prayer, where else in God's work will you get dirty? How about when helping people you don't know, but are commanded to love anyway? Did Jesus say "just love the clean people"? No, He didn't...
It's so great and happy to be a Christian! YES, it IS!! It's the most amazing life there is! And it is also deep, real, self-analyzing, self-sacrificing, suffering, and unsanitary.
May I stop keeping this wonderful gift inside. May I never pretend that all is easy for me. May I not be ashamed of the unsanitary work of His people.
Profound loss and sorrow are natural feelings. Jesus had them and it's a feeling God would rather not have when He thinks about us, His creation. Even God doesn't want to feel loss-that can't be any clearer to me as I read about His love for us and the sacrifice He endured. He, Mary, the disciples, Jesus...all of them experienced the biggest loss the world has ever known, but then also have and will experience the greatest victory the world will ever know. He wants us all to be with Him. All of us. The world. Yet we know that not all of us will be there. I know this, yet, I'd rather be comfortable? What's wrong with me? Sharing isn't pushing, loving isn't fighting...I don't mean all of that. I mean truly sharing my comfort in Christ and loving people.
In my sorrow, I got on my knees and I prayed. I felt so deeply about this loss that I made a plea. I have been afraid to know that what I do with God in private is "wrong" or not normal. I wonder about how people that love God talk to Him, even the spiritual strongmen of the bible. Paul, Job, David...what did it look like to talk to God for each of them? Am I somehow doing it wrong? My tears are messy. I need to wipe my nose a lot...did this happen to them too? As I cried, I felt compelled to write my brother's name in the carpet. I wrote his name with my finger in the carpet. I didn't stop there...I wrote more names...and I didn't know why I felt like doing it, I just did. Was this wrong? Am I supposed to do this? I didn't care. It felt right. I felt like that was my plea that those names be written in the Book of Life. "Here, God, see these names... H..., M..., E..., A.... and as I wrote, praying...see them and know them, and add them to your Book, please God." I just kept writing and crying. My tears got on the carpet. My hair in my face. Was my plea biblical? It's not about that. My plea was spiritual. I was in contact with my Lord and I had a case to bring to Him. Was it sanitary? No. I can't imagine how the spiritual strongmen I look up to ever stayed clean.
What if there are years of unsanitized prayer represented in our world's history? What if when God tells us He will wipe away our tears, He means the tears we have shed in begging and pleading and praying in His presence? What if being spiritually strong isn't sanitary? It's not pretty to cry, or kneel, or fall on your face. No one wants to know about that, see it. We want everyone to think we've never had a frown-at least I have caught myself doing that. Besides prayer, where else in God's work will you get dirty? How about when helping people you don't know, but are commanded to love anyway? Did Jesus say "just love the clean people"? No, He didn't...
It's so great and happy to be a Christian! YES, it IS!! It's the most amazing life there is! And it is also deep, real, self-analyzing, self-sacrificing, suffering, and unsanitary.
May I stop keeping this wonderful gift inside. May I never pretend that all is easy for me. May I not be ashamed of the unsanitary work of His people.
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