Friday, May 24, 2013

I Don't Love Myself When...

Usually this is just a quick Facebook post. But I actually can't figure out how to put it that succinctly. I might have mentioned before that I learn about faith from my kids. I learn about how to believe, how to feel shame, and how to be open to truth through them.

I can't believe what he said. He's 4 years and 3 months old. I know he has a gift. I know he's so deep. Is this normal? It's amazing. I treasure what they both say...and I just wonder...how can I teach truth? How can I be real and not be over their little heads? They're so young, yet they understand so much.

Rio came home and I gave her a snack and as always, she started on her homework. Lathan was still taking his nap and all was calm. A few minutes later, she takes a trip to his room where he's resting and emerges following him and in her usual big sister and overwhelmingly loving voice, she introduces him into the room. "Mommy, look who's uuup!" Smiling and excited she announces him. She misses him during her day. She couldn't wait until he awoke.

As usual, he wants me. He climbs on the couch where I'm dutifully poured over my laptop and he wants to be in my space. He always gets it. I can't turn down a Lathan hug. In his post-nap crankiness, he really doesn't want to have anything to do with his poor big sister no matter how nice she is. She's watching his every move with awe...she truly is in love with him.

After a few "hey there's and how was your nap's" and lots of smooches, I stare down at his tired face. He looks up at me and he's still cranky. "Who loves you?" I ask. I want him to remember his sister and find some joy at the same time. Without speaking, he points at me. "Mommy does...," Rio states, filling in the silence. "That's right," I said. "Who else?" He points to Rio, and the door to represent his daddy still at work. "Yep!" I state, and his silliness and smiles begin. I'm done. I've accomplished my task. "Who else?" Rio asks him. He's a bit perplexed for a second; he was done too. "Lathan does! You should love yourself too." She states it so sweetly and affirmingly, like a kindergarten teacher showing her pupil how to share their crayons. "No," he says. "I don't." Hmmm. Well, I wasn't going to let that pass. Nope, not me. Super-mom to the rescue with my positive affirmation cue in my pocket. But first, find out why. Why, why, why. Get to the root and fix the root. The teacher in me doesn't die easily. "Why do you say that, Lathan?" "Because I don't love myself when I do bad things." Wait. This was supposed to be easier than that. You were supposed to say, "I didn't know I was supposed to" or "Well I guess I do". You weren't supposed to quote Paul in Romans 7:24 when he says about himself "what a wretched man I am!" He states it after he says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He hates himself for doing things wrong.

Lathan is Paul. I am Paul. I know what he means. Why are you 4 years 3 months and thinking on these things? How do you already at your young age know to feel this? Is this normal?

I realize I've paused, allowing myself to treasure this moment in my heart and to be stunned at the same time. Where do I go next? I went with the same things God told me through His Word a few years ago at the beginning of this journey...

"Lathan, I know how you feel. I've felt that way before too. I don't like myself when I do the wrong things either. But do you know who loves me even when I do wrong? God does. He loves me even though I do things wrong...and He's told us that we are free to love ourselves when we are bad because He loves us first." I get in a quick kiss before he's flown out of my arms and ready for a popsicle.

So ends another day. I'm so blessed I get to be their mom. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Live Like It's Your Last Day

I was asked to speak at a Women's Conference at Iglesia de Cristo Bammel this past Saturday and I just want to share what I shared with them. I've posted it here for my Spanish-speaking friends, and the english translation follows. I pray it blesses you and your journey is inspired.

Vivir Como Si Fuera el último Día de tu Vida
Esta oportunidad llegó en el momento en que mi espíritu necesitaba un avivamiento, y Dios es tan fiel que por eso estoy aquí. El tema de mi plática es: “Vivir como si fuera el último día”. Me pregunto por qué me asignaron este tema. No es por accidente; de eso estoy segura. Me encanta la idea y la inspiración detrás de este tema, y disfruto el sentimiento de vivir cada día como si fuera el último de mi vida.

Parece relevante a la manera en que vivo mis días en esta etapa de mi vida. No podría vivir cada día como si fuera el último, sino hubiera vivido muchos primeros días.

Mientras oraba sobre esta plática en los últimos meses, y pensaba en cómo sería en realidad vivir cada día como si fuera el último, descubrí que es mucho más difícil de lo que esperaba, pero no en el nivel que ustedes piensan. En realidad, me deprimí con tan solo pensarlo.

Cuando pienso en mi último día, lo único que quiero es estar rodeada de mi familia. Sé que no puedo estar junto a ellos cada día, como yo quisiera. Pues hay mucho trabajo por hacer para avanzar el Reino de Dios.

Al pensar en esto, me di cuenta que mi vida es extremadamente rica en experiencias y bendiciones. No porque vivo como si fuera mi último día, sino porque vivo como si fuera mi primer día. Es verdad lo que dicen: “cada nuevo día, es como el primer día del resto de tu vida”. Creo que en esto es en lo que debemos enfocarnos. Nuestro Dios es un Dios de promesas. Él es el pasado, el presente, y el futuro. Cuando él nos enseña por medio de su palabra, nunca ha dicho “mira tu pasado”.

Nunca nos pedirá que pensemos en nuestro pasado, a menos que quiera que aprendamos algo y ganemos sabiduría. Tampoco nos pedirá que vivamos como si NUNCA tendremos otra oportunidad de volver a hacer algo. Siempre nos pedirá que pensemos en las consecuencias, recompensas y bendiciones futuras.

Cuando pienso en cada uno de mis días como “el último día”, Satanás se pone a trabajar. Usa mi corazón y lo hace preguntarse cómo va a funcionar cada nuevo día sin el pecado que le he permitido cometer. En mi vida, hay suficiente pecado.


Cuando mi padre falleció en 2007, se cortó el ancla de mi vida. Él era la razón por la que yo hacía lo correcto. Por él entendí lo que era el honor. Me enseñó que Dios siempre estaba observando. Y yo pensé que le creía. Cuando él ya no estuvo, sufrí una profunda depresión. No podía entenderlo, no sabía lo que me estaba sucediendo, y seguí buscando cosas que llenaran el vacío que sentía. Sentí como si nadie más estuviera observando ya la pureza de mi vida; olvidé que Dios estaba siempre observando porque mi padre ya no estaba para recordármelo. Satanás tenía la puerta abierta. Un día en mi depresión, el pecado entró a mi hogar. Satanás quería destruir todo lo que yo tenía. Me hizo creer cosas de mi vida que nunca antes creí. Lo disfrazó usando “amigos” y empecé a pensar “pobrecita Julizza”. Empecé a sentir lástima por mí misma, mi vida y mis circunstancias. Satanás también creó problemas financieros, haciendo las cosas peor. Durante ese tiempo, usó TODO lo que pudo, incluyendo mi corazón para hacerme creer que ya no había ninguna esperanza de vida junto a mi esposo. Me hizo soñar en una vida sin mi esposo. Lo que me pareció tentador: no más estrés, no más pleitos, no más dolor en el corazón. Pero Satanás nunca me reveló las consecuencias de esa otra vida, ni el dolor que nos causaría a todos. Esa vida se convirtió en lo que yo más quise alcanzar.

Quise abandonar mi hogar. Quise llevarme a mi hija y separarla de su padre y de la mentira que estábamos viviendo como matrimonio. Por lo menos, eso era lo que Satanás me decía que era, una mentira. Mi depresión y mis amigos me convencieron de buscar el divorcio. Después de muchos, muchos meses, mi esposo se dio por vencido de tratar de componer nuestro matrimonio y llamó a los ancianos de la iglesia pidiendo ayuda.

Recibimos consejería durante años, pero seguí viviendo con una mentalidad dividida, hasta que por fin toqué fondo. Estaba embarazada, y asustada por el futuro de mi familia. ¿Qué iba a suceder con el bebé que venía en camino? ¿Cómo iba a ser su vida? Le pedí a Dios que tomara el control y me llevara por el camino correcto. Tuve que hacer a un lado mi orgullo. Y así, pude humillarme ante Dios. Un mes más tarde, y sin esperarlo, recibí la gracia de Dios en mi matrimonio y la esperanza de un buen futuro para mi familia. TODOS JUNTOS. Algo que yo buscaba con desesperación. Después de reconocer este milagro, supe que ya no haría mis propios planes para mi vida. Fue entonces que dejé de vivir la vida como si fuera mi último día. Ya no quise estar en otro lugar, ni con alguien más, ni soltera, ni volví a sentir que ya no había oportunidad de volver a ser feliz.

Por fin entendí la gracia de Dios y el precio que había pagado por mi alma. Decidí ya no vivir para mí, sino para otros. Es algo mucho más difícil, pero mucho más gratificante. Dejé de tener una mente dividida, y sentí que había unido mi mente a la de Dios. Así pude sacar al diablo de mi corazón. Decidí que ya no me iba a divorciar y que me quedaría en mi matrimonio para siempre. Confié en que Dios lo iba a arreglar todo, y yo me humillé para que él hiciera lo necesario.

Mi esposo es un hombre bueno. No me malentiendan –él no es perfecto. Pero mi mejor amiga cristiana, a la que considero como una madre espiritual, me hizo ver que mi esposo es un hombre honorable. Y eso es suficiente.

Empecé a vivir cada nuevo día, como el primer día del resto de mi vida. Así he aprendido que con la oración, la auto-reflexión y la humildad, es la mejor manera de alabar a Dios. Dios es mi primer amor y es el centro de todo lo que amo y de todas mis relaciones. Ahora entiendo, que al amar a Dios más que a todo, es la única manera de cumplir con el compromiso que hice de quedarme por siempre con mi esposo. Le pedí a mi esposo, que JUNTOS, pusiéramos a Dios en primer lugar para todo.

Es fácil querer empezar una nueva vida. Es una lucha diaria contra Satanás, porque él siempre está esperando a que caigamos. Pero cada día es una nueva oportunidad de seguir con mi decisión de cambiar algo en mi vida. Cada día es otro día que trato. Por eso no vivo ese día como si fuera mi último día, sino como un día más en el que sigo luchando.

Por ejemplo:
Hace CUATRO AÑOS fue mi primer día en que decidí ser una mejor mamá. Aunque cada día tiene sus retos, y caigo una y otra vez, mi resolución todavía está en pie.

Hace como TRES AÑOS fue el primer día en que tomé la decisión de confiar completamente en Dios para mis necesidades financieras.

Hace como DOS AÑOS fue otro primer día en que decidí estudiar con atención la biblia para aprender y conocer mejor a Jesús, y tener una relación personal con él.

Hace como UN AÑO fue el primer día en que por fin sentí que mi mente y mi corazón realmente estaban completamente en mi hogar.

Hace una semana fue el primer día en convertirme en una mamá que no les grita a sus hijos.

Aunque he tomado todas estas decisiones, Satanás trata de recordarme mis pecados y de convencerme que no tengo esperanza, ni razón para seguir tratando de lograrlas. Busca hacerme creer que las cosas de este mundo son mejores que lo que Dios tiene para mí.

Pero la palabra de Dios dice en Primera de Juan 2: 15 al 17:
15 No amen al mundo ni nada de lo que hay en él. Si alguien ama al mundo, no tiene el amor del Padre. 16 Porque nada de lo que hay en el mundo —los malos deseos del *cuerpo, la codicia de los ojos y la arrogancia de la vida— proviene del Padre sino del mundo. 17 El mundo se acaba con sus malos deseos, pero el que hace la voluntad de Dios permanece para siempre.”

Por eso, Satanás ya no tiene poder sobre mí. Ya que no son mis acciones las que me hacen justa. Tampoco las que me salvan. El precio ya ha sido pagado por mis pecados, del pasado y del futuro.

Así que mis primeros días y los nuevos comienzos son muchos. Cada día acepto su gracia y promesas. Esto requiere de disciplina y tiene propósito. Para lograrlo, necesito ayuda. Busco cosas que me ayudan a mantener el enfoque. Escucho música que me inspira a pensar en él. Vivo en las cosas que le dan honor. Es así como lo encuentro en mi día. Me escondo de todo lo que Satanás hace y saco de mi casa todo lo que podría hacerme caer.

Algunas personas piensan que una vida sin cable de televisión, películas de horror, violencia o fantasías sexuales es aburrida. Pero no podrían estar más equivocados. Es tan liberante. No hay nada igual.

Le pido a Dios: toma mi vida, Señor. Pon en mí un corazón gozoso, ministrante y amoroso.

Mientras descanso y prospero en esta vida de cosas nuevas, empiezo a ver las cosas con más fe.

Oro con más facilidad y más frecuencia.

Escucho más historias de fe de las personas.

Le puedo dar a Dios crédito hasta por las cosas más pequeñas.

No dejo que la gente robe la santidad de una situación en la vida.

Presumo de lo bien que conozco a Dios, como lo dijo Pablo.

Y desafortunadamente para el mundo, mi opinión de Dios es para mí real y firme. Entiendo mucho sobre él y mi confianza viene de él. Confío en que él proveerá y ha cumplido poderosamente de muchas maneras. Nunca tuve estas historias antes y nunca estuve tan convencida de su omnipotencia –su poder sin límites – como lo estoy ahora.

He aprendido que mientras vivo para otros, mis propios sueños se convierten en realidad poco a poco. Es un camino largo, pero mucho más satisfactorio y rico.

He renunciado a mis sueños solo para recuperarlos multiplicados. Ese es nuestro Dios. Es un Dios que multiplica, y todo lo que le entregamos, será devuelto bendecido. Solo necesitamos fe y paciencia.

Me he salido del cuadro de lo que consideraba como alabanza y no temo alabarle con cada paso que doy. Escucho música, cierro los ojos, levanto las manos, doy brincos en conciertos, siento y arrullo el espíritu en mi corazón.

Los niños no tienen miedo de imaginar o creer en cosas que no ven. Porque he madurado en fe, creo más fácilmente en esto.

Porque he madurado, me he permitido creer en este espíritu que camina conmigo. Él va en el carro conmigo y sostiene mi mano cuando entro a mi casa. Él es tan real para mí, tan real como esta hoja de papel en mi mano. Imaginar su presencia es algo que he hecho desde joven –desde niña mis padres me enseñaron a reconocer la presencia de ángeles y de Dios. Y nunca dejé de hacerlo. Creo que esto es una parte crucial en lo que quiso decir Jesús cuando dijo que debemos “recibir el reino de Dios como un niño”. Aquellos que creen que han madurado, y no reciben el reino como un niño, no se permiten sentir el espíritu real. Se han ido en el sentido contrario cuando se trata de la fe.

Oro que ustedes vivan su vida cada día como si fuera su primer día del resto de su vida –lleno de nuevos comienzos y recordando una y otra vez las promesas de Dios.

Así como Pablo oró en Efesios 1:17 al 23:
Pido que el Dios de nuestro Señor Jesucristo, el Padre glorioso, les dé el Espíritu de sabiduría y de revelación, para que lo conozcan mejor. 18 Pido también que les sean iluminados los ojos del corazón para que sepan a qué esperanza él los ha llamado, cuál es la riqueza de su gloriosa herencia entre los santos, y cuán incomparable es la grandeza de su poder a favor de los que creemos. Ese poder es la fuerza grandiosa y eficaz que Dios ejerció en Cristo cuando lo resucitó de entre los muertos y lo sentó a su derecha en las regiones celestiales, muy por encima de todo gobierno y autoridad, poder y dominio, y de cualquier otro nombre que se invoque, no sólo en este mundo sino también en el venidero. Dios sometió todas las cosas al dominio de Cristo,[e] y lo dio como cabeza de todo a la iglesia. Ésta, que es su cuerpo, es la plenitud de aquel que lo llena todo por completo.

Amen!

Live Like It's Your Last Day
This opportunity came at a time where my Spirit needed a revival and God is so faithful, that that is why I am here. I’m curious why I got this subject assigned to me. It’s not by accident; I know that’s for sure. I love the idea and the inspiration behind this subject and I enjoy the feeling it gives to live each day as if it were my last. It seems relevant to how I about my life at this phase, but I have to tell you that I couldn’t live each day if it were my last if I didn’t have a lot of firsts.

As I prayed through this talk for a couple of months and took note of what it would truly be like to live as if each day was my last, I found that it’s a lot harder to do than I anticipated, but not on the level you might expect. I actually got depressed thinking about it.

When I think of my last day, the only thing I care about is being surrounded by family. Truthfully, there’s not a way to live each day with my family around me, however. I have a lot of work to do for the kingdom. I realized that my life is extremely rich in experiences and blessings not because I live it as if it were my last, but because I live it as if it were my first. It is true what they say, “every new day is the first day of the rest of your life.”

I think that this mentality is the where we should focus. Our God is a God of promise. He is the past, the present, and the future. When he teaches us through His word, he never tells us, “look at your past.” He will never ask you to think about your past unless he means to learn from it and seek wisdom from it. Never will he ask you to live like you won’t ever have another chance at something. He will always direct you to think about the consequences, rewards, and blessings.

When I think of each of my days “as the last day”, Satan goes to work. He uses my heart and makes it wonder how I can go on each new day without the sin I’ve allowed in it. In my history, there is plenty of sin.

 
When my father passed away in 2007, the anchor in my life was cut. He was the reason I did what was right. He was why I understood honor. He taught me that God was always watching. And I thought I believed him. When he was no longer there, I experienced a terrible amount of depression. I couldn’t understand it, I didn’t know it was happening, and I kept looking for things to fill the void. I felt like no one was watching my pureness of life anymore; I forgot that God was always watching because my father wasn’t there to serve as a reminder. Satan had an open door.

One day in a bout of depression, sin entered my home. Satan wanted to destroy everything I had. He made me believe things about my life I never believed before. He disguised it using “friends” and the mindset crept in of “poor Julizza”. I began feeling sorry for myself, my life, and my circumstances. He even created financial havocs to make matters worse. Through time, he used every tool he had-including my own heart-to make me believe that there was no hope for a good life with my husband. He gave me visions of a life separate from him. He tempted me with less stress, no more fights, and no more heartbreak. But he never revealed the consequences of this other life, nor the hurt it would cause us all. That other life became what I wanted most in this life.

I longed to leave my home. I longed to take my child with me-separate her from her father and this lie we were living. At least that’s what Satan said it was-a lie. Satan used my depression, my heart, and my friends to lead me to believe that divorce was the best option. After many, many months, my husband gave up trying to fix our marriage himself and called on the elders of the church to step in.

We received years of counseling, but I continued to live my days split-minded. One day, I finally broke down in sorrow. I was pregnant and I was scared for our family’s future. What would come of this new child? What would his life experience be? I asked God to take over and steer me in the right direction. I put aside my pride and broke.

A month later without expecting it, I experienced grace in my marriage. God handed me hope and a promise of a future for my family that I was desperately seeking. ALL TOGETHER. I had been searching for this hope desperately. Once I realized this miracle, I knew I wanted to be done with making my own plans for my life. In the coming months is when I stopped living my life as if it were my last-wishing I were somewhere else and believing I didn’t have another chance at happiness. I finally understood the grace of God and price he had paid for my soul. I decided not to live for myself anymore, but to instead live for others. It’s so much harder, but so much more gratifying and my happiness could return through it. I stopped splitting my mind and I feel like my mind became united with God’s. That was the only way I could take the devil’s hold off my heart. I decided I would not divorce and I would stay married to my husband forever. I decided I would trust that God would fix everything, and I humbled myself so that He could do His work (an extremely difficult thing to do and a daily struggle). My husband was indeed good enough. Don’t misunderstand me-he is not nor will he ever be perfect. But he is one very important thing that my spiritual mom taught me: he is honorable. So he was worth it.

I began living as if each day was the first day of the rest of my life. It is how I learned that prayer, self-reflection, and humility are the best ways to praise. In the very core of it all is my love for God over all of my relationships and everything I hold dear.

I understand now that loving God more than anything else is the only way that I can fulfill my promise that I made to myself that I would stay with my husband forever. I asked my husband if we could together put God first in our lives.

It’s easy to think that you want to start a new way of living, but Satan loves to drag you down when you mess up. It truly is a daily battle. Satan is always watching for you to fall. Each new day is an opportunity to change something in my life. Every day is a new day that I try. This is why I don’t live each day as if it were my last day but instead as if it’s a new day to keep trying.

About 4 years ago was my first day being a better mom. Although there are new trials as time passes and always new things to learn, my resolve is still there.

About 3 years ago was another first day that I decided I would trust completely in God to provide in my finances.

About 2 years ago was the first day where I became a woman of the bible to understand and learn who Jesus is so I could begin a deeper personal relationship with Him.

About a year ago was the first day I felt like I truly decided to come home and stay home-in my heart and in my mind.

About a week ago was the first day that I became a mom who wouldn’t scream at her children.

Although I’ve made all of these resolutions, Satan still tries to remind me of my sin and convince me I have no hope or reason to keep trying to accomplish them. He finds ways to make me believe that the worldly pleasures are better than what God has for me.

But 1 John 2: 15-17 says:

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.” 

This is why Satan no longer has power over me. For it is not my actions that make me righteous. They don’t even save me. The price has already been paid for what I’ve done and might do.

So my first days and new beginnings are plentiful. I daily accept his grace and promise. It’s a discipline and it’s purposeful. In order to do this, I have to have help. I find things that help me stay focused. I listen to music that inspires me to think about Him. I dwell in the works that honor Him. That is how I find Him in my day. I hide from everything Satan makes. I put everything he creates out of my home that would make me fail.

Some may feel like a life free from network television, horror movies, violence, and sex fantasies is boring. But they couldn’t be more wrong. It is so freeing. There’s nothing like it.

I ask God, “Take my life, Lord. Create in me a loving, ministering heart.”

As I rest and flourish in this life of newness, I start to see things with more faith.

I break out in praise easier.

I pray more often…almost every subconscious thought is a prayer.

I hear more stories of faith than I did before.

I can give God the credit for even the smallest things easier.

I don’t let people rob the holiness or God’s credit of work in a life situation.

I boast in how well I know God, as Paul himself mentioned.

And unfortunately for the world, my opinion of who God is to me is real and unwavering. I understand much about him and my confidence comes from Him.

I trust him to provide and he’s come through powerfully in so many ways. I never had those stories before and was never as convinced of his omnipotence-His limitless power-as much as I am now.

I have learned that as I live for others, my own dreams come true little by little. It’s the long way around, but it’s so much more rewarding and richer.

I have given up my dreams only to gain them back multiplied. That is our God. He is a God of multiplication and anything you hand him, he will return it but blessed. You need only faith and patience.

I’ve blown out the box on what I’ve considered as worship and I’m not afraid to worship him with every step I take. I listen to music, I close my eyes, I raise my hands, I jump up and down in concert, I feel and coddle the spirit in my heart.

Children are not afraid to imagine or believe in things they cannot see. Because as I have matured in faith, I can believe easier in the Spirit.

Because I’ve matured in faith, I believe in this Spirit that walks with me easier. I acknowledge His presence easier. He rides in the car with me and he holds my hand as I walk into my home. He is so real to me-as real as the paper in my hand.  Imagining His presence is something I’ve done since I was young. Since I was small, my parents taught me to acknowledge the presence of angels and of God. And I never stopped. I believe this is a crucial part of what Jesus meant when he said we need to “receive the kingdom of God like a child”. Everyone that thinks they’ve matured and don’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child don’t allow themselves to feel the real Him, much less imagine Him there. They’ve gone backwards when it comes to faith.

I pray for you to live each day as if it were your first day of the rest of your live-full of new beginnings and remembering His promises again and again.

As Paul prayed for the Ephesians, I pray for you:

"I ask that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[f] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22 And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23 which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way." Ephesians 1:17-23

Amen!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Discipline

Pride comes in so many different forms; there's no way to count them all. I search and search for the pride in my heart and I find new ways that my pride conquers. I often pray for pride to be expelled from my heart because I know that only when it is gone can Jesus shine through...

And with that I know that I need discipline to stay sanctified. Discipline & sanctification in today's terms have such bad connotations and there's really no other word for them. They are holy words and satan loves to make us think they are bad. If I say I need to stay sanctified, people automatically think about lust, but sin is sin, and there's plenty more than just lust-pride is what I have struggled with recently.

"Discipline" has almost been thrown out the window in our society, to our demise. It isn't an act. It's a joy, a goal, a tough, tough, tough learned goodness that comes only from God-nowhere else. I have enjoyed His discipline of late and it helps me understand life so much better. I embrace it, lean on it, love it, and struggle with it. It's so hard and so rewarding all at the same time. It allows Him to speak to me, it allows Him to work in me and through me, it even allows Him to give me dreams. Without discipline, He can't create a good work in me [1]. With it, he can create everything-for He is the creator. He makes things out of no things. Not only can he create out of nothing[2], but it's a piece of art every time. It is amazing-almost as amazing as Him. What wonders...

I deeply appreciate God's vision and I trust His judgement on my heart. Just by knowing things about myself makes things happening in my life that I'm struggling with already fine. I'm ok with admitting my downfalls-as tiny as this pride was, satan can still use it, so I'll let Jesus have it and let it go [3]. It takes discipline to not act the way I want to and to know what I have inside of me.

Searching and allowing God to tell me what's going on in my heart is the most wonderful gift I can give myself. God-seeking self-perception. How I do it is by admitting to God in my prayers the simplest feelings I'm having. I just say them. "Lord, I am struggling with this {Spirit inserts words for what I'm feeling[4]}. Help me to deal with this." I sometimes ask Him to dispell them (especially pride). All the while, I keep my heart as an aching, humble[5], bendable, changeable one. Then I stop. Similar to what Eli instructed Samuel [6], I say, "Speak, Lord, I am here." And then He speaks. His voice is like mine but it's truths instead of what I would say. It teaches me and I grow in wisdom. He gives me phrases and challenges my heart. I sometimes battle him and plead my case, but His truth is strong. If I 'm confused, I tell Him. I reveal everything-nothing goes unexpressed. And He speaks. I don't grow alone-it's impossible. I may not perceive other things about myself so well, but my heart is what I need to work on with God the most-it's what He cares for the most. In time, everything else will straighten out ("in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:6).

May God bless you and keep you[7]. May you try these things yourself. May you be disciplined. May God make His face to shine upon you. May I not stand in the way of the light.

~J

[1] Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Phillipians 1:6

[2] Now the earth was formless and empty...and God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. ~Genesis 2:2-3

[3] ...do not give the devil a foothold. ~Ephesians 4:27

[4] In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ~Romans 8:26

[5] Because your heart was responsive and you humbled yourself before the LORD...and because you wept in my presence, I also have heard you, declares the LORD. ~2 Kings 22:19

[6] So Eli told Samuel, "...if he calls you, say, 'Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.'" 1 Samuel 3:9

[7] The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. ~Numbers 6: 24-26


Friday, November 2, 2012

Happy 10th Anniversary


"Love of my life."

This slot has been a devious one for me. I have shuffled people through it like a card game. People push themselves in or I place them there. What does it really mean? I've thought and thought about this even to this day. I've gone back and forth, doubted, pained, and have even allowed to be torn apart by it. I've contemplated and prayed and God has filled me with a wisdom that only comes from heaven about what this really means. He has shown me it takes time and sanctification to realize what I have. Time needs to pass in order to create memories, hard times and good times, and to witness love and joy at its holy and organic roots. I've come to see why you ARE the Love of My Life.

Friendship.
You probably remember me scoffing at all the cute things we saw while picking out our wedding frames and wall art depicting "I Married my Best Friend". Do you remember that? I used to think that was such a slap against marriage. Marriage is for love, not for friendship. My naivete was never worse about this subject. I have learned that I love you more now that I allow myself to be your friend. You've always been my friend. I've simply and truly never allowed myself to fully become yours-I feel like I never experienced deep friendship and love at the same time. Even so, it's not an excuse. I apologize for not understanding what you've been doing all this time. I can't believe I've wasted so much time. I've spent so much time picking apart who you are and traded our friendship in for easy cut-downs and jokes. What a slap against marriage! I am not wasting time anymore. I am your BEST friend now. You can come to me about anything. You measure 1000 times more than my friends that choose to be there one day and are gone the next. You are the Friend of My Life.

Faithfulness.
You exhibit faithfulness in more ways than anyone other than me can ever know. You are not only faithful to me, you are faithful to our children. You don't forget them, you don't allow them to go without understanding their disciplines. You have been faithful in telling us all goodbye when we leave the house. Every. Time. When I'm sick, you are taking care of me and the kids. You have faithfulness bleeding from your heart. It is part of who you are. Even when things are horrible and we're screaming at each other, or we're taking each other to the "fault bank", you always come back. It takes me longer than it takes you, but we always come back.

Forgiveness.
I remember a time in our lives where we were falling apart. We hurt each other. When it came down to it, you chose to forgive me for what I had done. It took me longer than it did you. Your choice to forgive so readily changed everything about us. That forgiveness has reaped a fruit of trust, respect and joy that I feel will last us until we die. I will surely never forget it. You will find that I love you more from this trait than from any other thing. I have found that you have decided you will always forgive me-no matter what-even before I knew you had. And although the lump in my throat is large, I have to admit it hasn't always been equal for me. I'm not sure if I was where you are. I want to give you a gift today on our anniversary that I've never truly given you before. Maybe I have on a surface level, but I certainly have never vocalized it nor have I wanted to. Too fearful to love you enough I suppose. But God doesn't create that fear, Satan does, so now I denounce it. I want to gift to you "forgiveness". Now and forever-just as you've forgiven me. Just as my God has forgiven me. Harvey, no matter what you do, I will always forgive you. I will die next to you and I want you to know that now. I will always forgive you.

Love.
Through forgiveness comes love. Love creates family and joy that nothing else can. Our family is sooo worth it. Separately we have our faiths-but then our faith has brought us together. Our God has worked miracles in our lives and in the lives of our children. I write like this day is my last and if it were-God forbid-you will know that I love you. I always will. Harvey, YOU are the Love of My Life. Happy 10th Anniversary, Dear One.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Gomez Family Reunion 2012

I was blessed to meet and get to know many of you this past Saturday! So glad to be able to take this picture for us all to help us remember what our wonderful day was like. Thank you to all who put our reunion together!


You may download the hi-resolution image HERE or on Facebook. You can get it printed anywhere you'd like. I suggest keeping the dimensions of the original picture since altering it may cut off people from the ends.

Print your picture in the following dimensions so you won't lose anyone:
4x6, 8x12, 16x24, 20x30

*I do not suggest printing the picture as an 8x10 or 5x7. It will cut people off the sides.

You may also have my professional lab print your picture and have it shipped to you. The lab print will come mounted on matboard to prevent warping over time. The color and brightness will match the original file exactly. Here are the options for a professional print that you can have framed yourself (the prices for all items listed below are at cost):


Sizes




You may want to leave the framing and matting to the professionals at the lab to save time. In that case, I've added this option for you. I've chosen a brown toffee crunch frame to match the bark of the tree and keep the print's lighthearted feel. The frame is 22x30 at the opening with a double white 16x24 mat. The frame thickness is 2.75 inches. $200 includes shipping.

Here is what the final product will look like:




Enjoy! Please let me know if you have any questions. My email is jholub@capturingcreations.com.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Self-Absorption

I admit it. I am guilty. I am guilty of self-absorption. It's so easy to become self-absorbed. Many times you don't even realize it's happening. You only see the signs...after awhile...if you've lived for others in the past. I've noticed I haven't called someone to see how they are doing nearly as much as I used to or hardly at all, I've noticed I haven't volunteered to help anyone either. I've noticed I don't know what's going on in some close friends' lives. I've noticed I haven't paid someone else's bill. Until tonight. Now, I'm awake.

A life like mine needs a constant reminder of Jesus in it. If I don't purposely seek out His word, I am flooded with great reasons to be self-absorbed. I find it easy to simply take care of my own business-running my household, dealing with my feelings, and living in my bubble. Tonight I went to a devotional where I was challenged to do something off the wall for someone else this week...and I did.

Sometimes a busy mom has to go grocery shopping pretty late at night. Tonight was one of those nights. I dutifully grabbed some groceries and headed to the checkout line. No distractions this late at night really...I actually was not looking at my phone. Instead I found myself staring into the air and halfway listening to the conversation between a husband and wife in line in front of me. Then a familiarity in their conversation caught my attention and I became fixated on their situation. They were a Spanish-speaking family of four...and they were nervously watching their bill mount. I could understand them talking about the mounting food bill...the wife updating the husband every thirty dollars or so. The kids played around the shopping cart; ignorant to the weight on their parents shoulders standing 2 feet from them. I saw them exchange a look I remember so well from my past-that look of nervousness. The look has so many meanings. "How are we going to get through this month?" "Why do we have to consume so much?" "Are you sure we need this much?" "I hope nothing happens." It reminded me of my family. It was the familiarity in the words-words I had heard my own father or mother, brother, or sister speak in the checkout line when I tagged along. It took me back to those days of hunger and worry. I hate that feeling. The constant worry. I nervously decided that tonight, this family, would not worry. I would pay the bill. Would I really? No, I probably can't. Financially, this might get me in trouble. How do I do it? "Swipe your card at the end of the transaction," the Spirit whispers. I wish I knew how much it was. Does it matter? It will be worth it for them not to worry. Yes, they look too much like how it used to be...they are my family. It is worth it...no matter how much. God will take care of us-His finances are backwards-not like mine... I waited until the cashier announced the amount and the wife exchanged words-maybe an update-with the husband. It was my chance. Don't let it pass by... Not knowing if she would understand exactly what I was doing, I asked her to allow me into the credit card machine. She told her husband they would wait to pay until I was done doing what I was doing...she politely let me by. I ran my credit card through and the cashier asked me if I wanted to add on my things. I said no and took the receipt from him. I handed it to her. She asked, "and what is this?" I told her, "I paid for it. God told me to pay and so I did. Don't worry. Have a good night." I pat her on her shoulder and smiled. I shook throughout my whole body; I was so nervous. I didn't know what to do except turn around and start putting my own things on the counter. They lingered and talked to one another...baffled. They told me thank you and smiled. The husband simply scratched his head and looked down. They were speechless. They walked a little further and I continued to shake, keep a smile on, and put the rest of my items on the belt. They spoke to their kids. They told their daughter to come and tell me thank you. She told the cashier thank you-she was confused. I told her she was welcome and bid them a good night again. They both bid me a good night. I smiled and I didn't stop...until I got to my car, unloaded all of my groceries, and then closed the door and sat inside alone. Then I cried. Jesus did that for us. He paid the "bill" for us. How wonderful it feels. How He must have cried after.

Yes, they looked like my family. I remember receiving food from others...it felt so good that I would eat it differently. Everything tasted better-all of a sudden the same food you've always had before was sweeter. You were free to enjoy it. The weightlessness of it was rewarding. My part in blessing that family was the best feeling in the world...why don't I do that more often? How will it feel for them to carry that food into their home having not spent a dime? I know that feeling, actually...and it's a great one.

Thank you, God, for blessing me in order to bless others. Thank you for putting these resources in my care. I want to do better with them. You have asked me to take care of the widows, orphans, and the poor. I will.

I remember a religious speaker say once that you can't expect that God will bless you so that you will go and bless others. God wants to see what you do with the blessings that you have right now. If you share your blessings now, you will share them later. If you don't share them right now, you won't magically start sharing them later. So his point was...if you expect to give to the poor when you're rich, then you should already be giving when you're not. It's kind of like training. Then God can bless you and He will know what you'll do with it. In all blessings, not just money, I want to do better about taking care of them and blessing others with them now, not only when they are in abundance.

Lord, I want to do it over and over again. I want to get so good at it that it's all I live for. I love Your command--love one another. Thank you for the devotional it took tonight to wake me up from my self-absorption.