The Good Rope

I enjoy the ideation of holding on to God through the storms of life. I also love the imagery that God in His Holy Trinity is a strong foundation - like a rope made up of three parts braided together instead of one solid piece. I wish that holding on to this rope through the storms of life described me more often. Sometimes...well...most of the time, I don't. It's hard. My default tendency is to let go of the rope. It's my first primal reaction. More often than not, I allow the storm to consume me. I feel like somehow, some way, I will find peace if I just go ahead and lay down here in the comfort...of its turmoil. I close my eyes, feel its wind, and feel every hurt. I open my ears and focus in on its rushing sounds, searching for that peace. In sharing these storms with others, I have come to experience two types of people. What I need are people that will wake me, pick me up, and place my hand on the rope. What I don't need are people that will take me further away. The easiest person to find is the one that will offer you a lighter rope, an easier rope, a different rope. A rope for you to hold on to that seems life-saving to them - experiences, pleasures, even them. But sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes you'll find a person that knows the strongest rope out there. The Good rope. They help you to find it. Lead you to it. They place your hands on it for your sake, not theirs. You may think they are always a certain type of person. You may think they have certain kinds of qualities. You may think they believe in certain things. But sometimes. Sometimes. They don't. And the Good rope is still the same.

Graceful Love

"You ruined your witness." I can hear those words spoken from the lips of a very dear friend and although it wasn't meant as horrible as it sounded as we reflected a brief history of actions past, I remember how it felt to completely know what I was doing at that time and not caring. I've ruined my witness. Countless times. The selfishness in me to satisfy my earthly desires-the pride in my heart and feeling of validation of who I am has trumped my heavenly purpose numerous times. That time, I was aware of it. I had become aware because I was in daily reflection in prayer while I was doing it. I boastfully ruined my witness. I think about times when I wasn't praying daily. I used to simply do what I thought was right and not check in with God every day to reveal the intentions of my heart. I wonder how many times I unknowingly ruined my witness for Christ. Now, it hardly happens without my knowing. I'm quick to apologize, but many times it doesn't change my actions in the moment. I should be running from myself every day. Everyone else should be too.

The air I breathe still exists, however, and I don't cease to live. I can't hide in a corner in my house and not experience life with my family and friends. What could I do? Jesus has a lot more grace for me than I do for myself. My shame about how I've messed up should convict me but it shouldn't suffocate me. That's easier said than done. Loving God and loving others requires so much giving of myself that thankfulness is the first and foremost ingredient I turn to when waking up from these chains of guilt. I am thankful. I am thankful I am still alive and experiencing friends and family despite the sin I've committed. Despite ruining my witness.

My guilt is a fact. It has happened. I've done something wrong. Jesus whispers, "that fact is covered in my blood." I need help remembering that I can still stand back up and move forward. I can only move forward if I'm willing to accept his grace and give myself some too. It's harder when there are hurt people in my wake. They may not be so quick to give me grace. I don't need to dwell in that guilt for them either, however. Jesus is talking to them too. Love for God and for them covers a multitude of sins-even mine.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Cor 13: 4-8)

This is the love God has for me and should be the love I have for others. Never abandon, always love. I cannot love as perfectly as He can, but I can try. I can remember his love for me and be thankful he is so quick to forgive and transform. My part is the desire to be transformed. I can't imagine a worst person he could love than me, but I can imagine he loves me like crazy. If I can remember that, then righteousness is when I can get up and pay it forward. May I be the person he intends me to be with this heart so selfish, proud, and cruel. His love is an anchor for me; his ways my utmost desire and my comfort.

Buying Without Money

Isaiah 55:1 NIV

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost."

I know this heart God has. When I read this, I smiled because I know what this means for the poor. I've been on that side before. I've been in want without money to trade for it. I've yearned for the food, the bags and boxes on the shelves before me. The sweet bread and fruits I had no money to buy. I've felt the broken promises of a barren refrigerator. I've opened its door twice,  three times, five times,  eight times in one day hoping for a miracle that the milk would show itself.

I thirsted and hungered as a child with no way to fix it. No one had the fix around me. There was not someone there to provide. But if you somehow knew that was happening to me, would you have brought me some? If you knew who I was, where I was, how to get there and had something to bring, would you have?

I know the majority of you would have. I know more than you do that you care. It's hard to imagine a heart that exists that wouldn't. You know this heart that God has. Many of you would run-male or female, young or old, black, white, purple, grey doesn't matter. You would do it. If you loved me, you would run to the store, fly through the aisles, grab that jug of milk, fly to my house to bring it to me. You would loathe the minutes before your supply reached me. Ache for the minutes that my stomach was empty and my heart was in pain. You would serve me and be joyful. You wouldn't care to serve me in a glass or plastic cup-whatever works would be just fine. You would serve me. You would cry. You would be joyful that you had finally made it-you were there and I was drinking. You would ask me if I had enough. You would pour more if not. If needed,  you would go back to the store for more. You would think to yourself,  "I want to always give you milk when you need it. To my very last day, I will do all I can so you can have milk."

I would too. So when God says "Come to my table-you, who are poor. Come and buy and eat. Come and buy WITHOUT money or cost," I know who he is. He's the owner of the store who walks up to that little girl in the aisle and says,  "Take and eat. Anything you want. This is all mine but you can have it. You don't have to  pay for it." And I buy. I buy what I want. I look and love the food. I stay in the store. No need to go home. 

When people come to my home, I tell them it is theirs. I give them rights to all the rooms and everything in my refrigerator. In my home, it is not considered rude for a visitor to look into my refrigerator. It is an honor. I am overjoyed at the thought. I remember the little girl I was-standing there before a bare one-and the Lord has blessed me. No matter what their circumstances or background-as my guest, they are my friends. I will bless others-socially "acceptable" or not. Take and eat. You're rich?  Eat. You're poor?  Eat. 

God has prepared a gigantic feast. He has water that flows more clear than anything we can imagine. He knows what we want because He created us. He has made the best of every kind of fruit, bread, milk, and meat that can possibly touch our mouths. And He wants us to have it. He can't wait for us to see it. He doesn't care how poor we are. In fact,  the poorer we are, the more His delight. Wouldn't you feel that way too? The most poor man, the most poor woman, the most poor child - your delight in feeding them would abound. You would keep them eating until they were full. You would lift their head and tell them they don't have to worry anymore. You would take care of them. You wouldn't stop at food. No. You would give them new clothes,  a brand new home if you could. God made us. So how much more would He be like this than we are? In our selfishness,  we can imagine ourselves doing this. How much more can God, in His all-encompassing love, without an ounce of selfishness or disdain, wish to do for us? Past our imagination can bear! Whatever you can dream isn't possibly enough. He can and will do more. So keep dreaming. Dream your biggest dream about God's table. You won't be disappointed. It'll be even better. Why? Why does He want to do that?  Why does He care?  Because He made us. He's in love with His creation. We've walked away and tried to make it out on our own-looking to other things to make us happy and fill our hearts. But worldly things are just that-worldly. They'll never satisfy. If it exists on the planet, it will never satisfy you. He knows this and he sees us struggle. But all the time He wants to end it. He wants us to see his table-His magnificent table. Mercy, grace, and forgiveness are there among the food. And we can buy. Buy without money or cost.

I'm buying.

Analogies

I notice that when I run and feel the wind in my face and the resistance it brings...I push harder. When I find that there is no wind, there's no resistance, and certainly when the wind is at my back, I let the wind carry me. I sit back and I run it, but really, I'm riding it.

I find that these small things, more and more, are who God is; how He created this world to be. I want to pull back the tarp on all those things that we keep thinking are analogies...that this human race finds and just think they discover and they go, "Wow, it's kind of like God." When I pull back the tarp, I want to reveal that that IS God. It's not just like Him. It's how He made it to be.

When I'm pushing at any point on my race, I find that my heart is working so hard to keep up. I find that as I run that race and I push through what my heart really wants me to do-which is stop-I find that that is how I train it. How I train it to persevere. And in that place-where my heart lives-is Christ. Watching, rooting me on, as I decide to make my heart work and keep up with what my legs are doing. Is that just an analogy? No, these are not analogies. These are called the wonders of God.

Have you ever wondered? What were the wonders that the disciples were proclaiming in all of those languages in Acts 2:1-12 that made the people of all nations stop and wonder what it all means? The people said, "we hear them declaring the wonders of God..!" What will make you stop and think? What could they possibly have been saying? Was the fact that Jesus was the Christ the only thing? Was there more? Was that it? Or did they teach them, "When you breathe, that is God." Did they teach them, "Your life is a journey and everything you do can be to the glory of the father, the Maker, and when He made you, He made your back so that it didn't feel as much hurt and pain as He made your face to feel. So that when He carries you through a tough time, you don't even know it's happening." Is that a simple analogy? Or is that how He made us? Could that be a wonder of God?

These wonders are not things that you hear daily. These wonders are not things that you can simply state and walk away. Wonders of God. They stop you. They make you believe. They made the people commit to baptism. Is there only one? Is there only one Wonder? It's a great wonder indeed that the man that they call "Jesus" was God himself and decided that although with one thought He could destroy every single thing that was happening to Him, and say, "I'm sorry" to the rest of the world and simply desecrate all humanity and living things-because He is life...instead He decided to look into their eyes and say, "I love you and I'm going to do this anyway." That is a wonder...

What are those other wonders? What's the rest? We can talk about microscopic entities, but how do things work, how do we work? Why is it that we push harder through the wind? Why did He make me do that? Why does it feel better when I do than when I stop? Why does that make me feel better? Why do I feel like when there's no resistance that I should just ride it? What makes me do that? Is it because he wants me to feel His peace when He carries me through? What if when He's carrying me through, I push harder with His wind at my back? What then? What could possibly happen in my life if I did that? It requires a lot to be cognizant that you're riding the wind. Reflection. Knowing....and that doesn't come naturally. God wired us that way. Why? Because He wanted us to seek Him. He made us to have a choice to seek Him. And when you have to work to know Him, you won't give up that easily...just like almost everything in life. Analogy or wonder?

Lord, I'm giving you the glory and honor and praise for your wonders. I desperately want to know them-I want You to reveal Yourself and Your wonders to me. I commit my life to this. May I never completely be done seeing them all until that wonderful day when You will make all things known. Amen.

Gabby

My niece Gabby came to stay with us for 3 weeks this summer and we fell in love with her.

She's staying.

As IF that was all to say! She has added to our lives and the lives of our children since the day she came. She has had a big heart and she's shown me her softness and vulnerability. I never quite knew much about her before this summer and I realize that I've been missing out. Her parents absolutely adore her and want to give her all they can, but they simply can't. My sister has had injuries from work that make her disabled and her husband has been in and out of luck finding a job. They both love her dearly!! They hate to let her go, but they know it's the best chance for her. She has so many wolves biting at her life, at her spirit, and her worth. I can already hear other family members discounting it all, telling me she's not really all that wonderful...and to them I want to say...just go away. Don't talk about her anymore. I love this girl. Leave her alone. She is a jewel-God thinks so and so do I.

Don't discount my Gabby. She's going to make it and she's already incredible. She's going to fight and I'm going to be there to remind her, to pull her, push her, pray with her, read to her, sing to her, teach her, train her, and love her. With this love Jesus has given me, anything, anything is possible. I'm putting that into her just as much as my other kids.

Gabby is 15 years old. Her vacation with us was an escape from the turmoil she endures around her home. During her visit, we read the book The Shack together. As we drove home on Monday, July 15th from a day trip to Dallas, she was reading it aloud and the chapter on judgment convicted her. We began to share about how we have judged others and she shared more about the role judgment has played in her life. She also shared about the torment, persecution, negativity, hatred, and lies she endures in her daily life. As I let her share and simply listened, I heard my own story once again. I heard my own life retold. Through tears we prayed. I told her she was not alone. We were getting close to home and I asked her if she would like to go to Papa's house to get baptized. With tears, Gabby said yes. In God's perfect timing, we pulled into my driveway and simply picked up Harvey and the kids with the Good News. I texted Papa and told him I needed a baptism performed tonight. It was 9:30 p.m. He was overjoyed. He invited us over and he visited with Gabby about how she came about her decision. We brought the kids to the pool and Papa baptized her at about 10:00 p.m. I can't thank Papa enough or God enough for His great plan with this.

It was her testimony about her experience during the three weeks that has shaken me the most....and it's not even the part I played. Gabby shared with me that the first day she visited my church she was told she was beautiful at least twice, once by an elderly woman and once by an elderly man-neither of whom she knew. She was also remembered by a member she did not recognize from a visit she made to Bammel almost 7 years ago when her older brother, Robert, was baptized by our church. She told about how she loved the high school class and how she thought Eric Petty was so funny. She met and made friends with Lauren from the high school class who had been baptized that day. She shared that Lauren had encouraged Gabby to go forward with her own baptism since she had been thinking about it for quite some time. The second Sunday she visited, she was told she was beautiful again. She couldn't get over how the members kept telling her this! A young lady simply needs to hear this from godly people and I am so overwhelmed with praise that my church has said that to her over and over. As she shared about her experiences with Papa that night she said, "she(Julizza)'s taken me to church twice now and when I'm there, I realize how much I love and miss being around God and with his people. When we sing there, I feel God's presence."

Glory to Him that gives strength to the weary, a kind word to the needy, and ministers to the least of these through His people! 

Gabby is already a wonderful part of our lives. I pray we can be as great a blessing to her as she is to us and I thank my sister and my Lord for entrusting her dear life to us.

Psalm 103

1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
    his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
    and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
    and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
    and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his bidding,
    who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
    you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
    everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

Verses 1-5 summarize my redemption story. My life is summarized in the whole chapter. Jesus states in Luke: "He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.” Luke 22:44 Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures. (verse 45).

How would you like your mind to be opened to understand the Scriptures (CAPITAL S)? I know I would!! I pray for it so often. I pray to understand, but do you know what gives me the most understanding of all? The absolute most intricate pieces of scripture that I feel I can understand (as my heart beats rapidly, and it swells to my eyes) is from my own life. I used to read scripture and it was somehow apart from me. It was from someone else, for someone else, and it had almost nothing to do with me. Not anymore. Since I've learned that humility is the best trait I can ever have when it pertains to learning who God is, I have realized that because He lives within me, these scriptures are about me and for me. Doesn't seem like I'm breaking new ground, does it? But if you knew how I read these scriptures before, you would understand. I would read, "Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will," and I would think, "Yeah, you guys do that. I hope you do. I wonder if they already did that. Sure, sometime when this was written. They probably already did that. In heaven somewhere, sometime.."

You laugh? As I think back, it's almost funny. Yet so scary because I'm not sure if I hadn't chosen to trust God in the pit of despair, that I would have ever grown out of it. Now, I realize that the heavenly hosts don't stop. They're praising Him right now. And I am His servant. I've asked to be. I've prayed for people, I've prayed for myself, I've worked for Him, I've given gifts in His name. This scripture is ME. And Yes, I praise Him (praising isn't just singing!).

How can a Psalm describe my journey in 22 verses? Forgiven in verse 3, praising in verse 22. Because it's inspired by The One who has a plan for me and I have chosen to walk with Him through it. Because He desires the same plan for everyone else caught up in sin and any kind of turmoil-which is every person that breathes. Because every redemption story ends in praise. Because He will save every time (saving isn't always curing, taking away pain or iniquities, or sending you money, but He has been known to do them too). We are not here forever. We are not here forever. We have this time, right now, to make our lives count and if you want to know a secret-our lives are not about us; neither is our purpose. He who has ears, let him hear.



{P.S. I know what has worked for me and if you want to grow more, I can share what what I did. If you want to work, read the Psalm again and try to make it talk about you. Everything is present tense. If you're lacking, you'll wince with every part that doesn't define you yet. Then humble yourself (which usually comes with crying and some alone time, lots of contemplation, asking for forgiveness, confessing exactly what you're having trouble with in prayer), and resolve to be better. I can't say enough what a dimension change it was in my relationship to God to tell Him exactly what is troubling me, exactly what I'm feeling and doing wrong. It's not like He doesn't know it already or can't handle it-He handled death! I am not going to dirty God by saying horrible things that I do, and I'm not giving the devil a foothold. Instead, I'm letting the foothold go. God will cleanse me. Then it's work, work, work! Message me if you'd like me to pray for you. jholub4@att.net}

I Don't Love Myself When...

Usually this is just a quick Facebook post. But I actually can't figure out how to put it that succinctly. I might have mentioned before that I learn about faith from my kids. I learn about how to believe, how to feel shame, and how to be open to truth through them.

I can't believe what he said. He's 4 years and 3 months old. I know he has a gift. I know he's so deep. Is this normal? It's amazing. I treasure what they both say...and I just wonder...how can I teach truth? How can I be real and not be over their little heads? They're so young, yet they understand so much.

Rio came home and I gave her a snack and as always, she started on her homework. Lathan was still taking his nap and all was calm. A few minutes later, she takes a trip to his room where he's resting and emerges following him and in her usual big sister and overwhelmingly loving voice, she introduces him into the room. "Mommy, look who's uuup!" Smiling and excited she announces him. She misses him during her day. She couldn't wait until he awoke.

As usual, he wants me. He climbs on the couch where I'm dutifully poured over my laptop and he wants to be in my space. He always gets it. I can't turn down a Lathan hug. In his post-nap crankiness, he really doesn't want to have anything to do with his poor big sister no matter how nice she is. She's watching his every move with awe...she truly is in love with him.

After a few "hey there's and how was your nap's" and lots of smooches, I stare down at his tired face. He looks up at me and he's still cranky. "Who loves you?" I ask. I want him to remember his sister and find some joy at the same time. Without speaking, he points at me. "Mommy does...," Rio states, filling in the silence. "That's right," I said. "Who else?" He points to Rio, and the door to represent his daddy still at work. "Yep!" I state, and his silliness and smiles begin. I'm done. I've accomplished my task. "Who else?" Rio asks him. He's a bit perplexed for a second; he was done too. "Lathan does! You should love yourself too." She states it so sweetly and affirmingly, like a kindergarten teacher showing her pupil how to share their crayons. "No," he says. "I don't." Hmmm. Well, I wasn't going to let that pass. Nope, not me. Super-mom to the rescue with my positive affirmation cue in my pocket. But first, find out why. Why, why, why. Get to the root and fix the root. The teacher in me doesn't die easily. "Why do you say that, Lathan?" "Because I don't love myself when I do bad things." Wait. This was supposed to be easier than that. You were supposed to say, "I didn't know I was supposed to" or "Well I guess I do". You weren't supposed to quote Paul in Romans 7:24 when he says about himself "what a wretched man I am!" He states it after he says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." He hates himself for doing things wrong.

Lathan is Paul. I am Paul. I know what he means. Why are you 4 years 3 months and thinking on these things? How do you already at your young age know to feel this? Is this normal?

I realize I've paused, allowing myself to treasure this moment in my heart and to be stunned at the same time. Where do I go next? I went with the same things God told me through His Word a few years ago at the beginning of this journey...

"Lathan, I know how you feel. I've felt that way before too. I don't like myself when I do the wrong things either. But do you know who loves me even when I do wrong? God does. He loves me even though I do things wrong...and He's told us that we are free to love ourselves when we are bad because He loves us first." I get in a quick kiss before he's flown out of my arms and ready for a popsicle.

So ends another day. I'm so blessed I get to be their mom.