Endurance, Tenacity, Fear?

I find that my time with God has become a very precious thing to me now. It wasn't always like that. I used to really shy away from it...I suppose the fear of self-reflecting was too great.

Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.

I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?

In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?

It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!

Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.

Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."

How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.

May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!

Women Encouraging Women: A Father's Touch

I was incredibly honored to have been asked to speak at Women Encouraging Women on Tuesday night. The experience was awesome and I felt utterly blessed by everyone I spoke to. I was so nervous!

The theme of the night was "Fingerprints of God". The women who organized the evening had asked women from our church to submit photographs through which they had seen the fingerprints of God. When I received the email about the theme, I was ecstatic!! This is my element! I can do this! I told my Mama Cindy and she said, "I say you find out if there's a limit of how many pictures you can submit and then ignore it." It was hilarious. Later the same day, I received an email from the women's minister at my church to see if I would speak at it. Whaaat?? Are you serious? I prayed about it (nerves in hand), and felt a resounding "Yes!" from the Lord on my run that day. Awesome!

For the next few weeks, God would begin feeding me lessons and opening my eyes to the things I've learned on my journey in the past 4 years. It has been an amazing one! I have exercised my faith in a number of ways and the Spirit has rested in me and has a warm, comfy nest! After each new revelation, I would write down what He showed me, and it became exciting. As the days rolled by, the emphasis of my talk changed several times. It was funny how I thought I knew what I would say the moment I said yes-I thought I would talk about photography, of course! Why not? That's what I do, it's my gift! Well, God had other plans.

God kept putting before me this amazing gift He had sent me in my spiritual father, Daryl. Daryl was a blessing I never saw coming. I am still amazed at God's goodness through this blessing!

Well, here is my scripted talk. You should know that it was not the same at the actual event--I'm a teacher. I never go by the script...and I had about 10 minutes ;)

A little background about me: I'm from Victoria, Texas and I come from a family of 12 siblings. I was blessed with the experience of growing up in poverty. Most people would look at that and say it could never be a blessing, but indeed it was. I didn't feel that way while I was in it, but it has truly affected what I teach my kids. God took care of my every need and I was raised by the church! I am a product of the bus ministry. I rode the bus from when I was 5 to about senior year or so in high school. I had people come to my home to pick me up to go to church. Have you ever wondered what would become of the Impact kids you take shopping? Well here you have one before you. Your work is valuable. Be in their face with your support. Don’t stay in your neighborhood-visit their church (and I’m talking to me as well!)

As a child in poverty, you learn many tough lessons fast. You learn that your parents cannot provide. You learn to go without. You learn to look for help…you stay humble in many ways. My father provided countless life lessons to me (as did my mother), and one of those was the tenacity to pursue God. So many holes to fill in here, but my father was an honorable man.

When he passed away in 2007, it was like someone had cut the chain that kept me grounded. Just like that, I felt like I was floating away. Who would teach me the rest of what I needed to know? I was upset and soo soo sad—it was too early for me to lose him. He still had so much to show me and now he couldn’t. When he died, he asked forgiveness from everyone he had come in contact with. Tenacity. In his last breaths he told my sister, “Don’t leave me.” He was scared. Then a short time later he said, “I’m not scared anymore.” Tenacity. He pursued God even in his last breath.

Without realizing what was going on, I started to rebel. No father means no conscience. I began to make bad decisions and ultimately turned my back on God. Harvey and I nearly got a divorce. For about 2 years we struggled and I went to church every Sunday. Gerald Bendele knew I was struggling and he worked to help me.

Ultimately, to pull me out of the darkness, God first showed me grace, then gave me discipline. These things together created who I am right now. I accepted the grace, accepted the discipline (and even fought it!), I humbled myself, worked on removing gods I had created in that time period and began to seek Him out.

Now I am still working. I will never stop working to know God! He has blessed me with riches beyond measure in return. He has blessed me with a photographic eye, a wonderful family, and now with a wonderful spiritual father and mother. He knew what I needed more than I did, and he knew I needed someone to help me steer this spiritual ship so he sent Daryl and Cindy. The torch has been passed. I have been gifted a father. How amazing! It just so happened that Cindy and Daryl were members of the church of Christ at Jersey Village. I met Cindy through work. I didn't expect at that time that she would become such an integral part of my life. Daryl has the annointing of an elder in the church. It has been so easy for me to transition into this trusting relationship because as a young girl, I would watch these men come to my home and support us. You go to the poverty stricken homes, you bring them presents at Christmas, you bring them food...I was used to the support. These men were father figures to me all of my life. They still are. Daryl is exactly what I needed and God granted him to me.

My spiritual father and my daughter

Our spiritual family (this is what the church is about)

Get to know our God who is father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.) God’s plan for our elders was to be our earthly fathers. Why does he refer to himself as father? It is the most molding relationship there is in the family dynamic. He is our father and he has appointed fathers for us on earth. (Acts 20:28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.) Acts 20:28 talks about how the Holy Spirit has made the elder what he is-an overseer. The relationships these men have with the people in the church are a very sacred and spiritual thing; they are not man-made. God creates in him the spirit of an overseer and as such he knows the work of God. I don't know where you are in terms of your relationship with your own father. Perhaps you have lost your father like I have. What I believe God intended for these men was to be your earthly spiritual father as you grow. If you need one, that's what they're there for; that is their calling.

Another thing I was taught and learned was that I must love God more than I love my husband. I love God more than anything. You need to love God more than you love your husbands. Your love for your husband will vary from day to day (You've got to know that). Wives have been trying to get their husbands to love them, but they are going about it the wrong way. You must love God more than you love your husband and in turn he must love God more than he loves you. I asked Harvey to do this a couple years after our near-divorce. I know that he needs that stability in his life. Loving God more than me will bring him joy and actually open his heart for me. If Harvey doesn't love me, my God will create love from nothing since He created the world and all of humanity out of nothing. If Harvey does already love me, then how much more so will God create love in Harvey's heart for me? Our God is also a God of openness. His ways are counter-intuitive. He doesn’t work the way you think. You think purposely loving God more will make you love your husband less. I am here before you as a witness to God’s plan to say that is far from the truth. I love my husband more now that I place God as the joy of my life. If I didn’t decide to do that, then what is faith? Think on that.

Don’t put your husband in an impossible position. Don’t idolize him. He will fail.

Get to know our God who gives sight to the blind not only physically, but spiritually! He breaks through the barriers of darkness and gives sight. Take the blinders off and open the shades of your spirit. Drink in the Lord and see that He is good.

God not only gives sight to the blind physically but goes farther even to the point to where those that are physically blind can still see His goodness. He works where our humanity believes there is no work and His hands not only work, but create beauty in that place. Even if you are physically able to see, you can still be blind spiritually. If you love God more than anything and you can see what I have seen, He will open your eyes to His beauty and you will see His fingerprints everywhere.

Cindy and I had a lot of great talks before and after the event. I was soooo glad to have her there. She truly is an amazing woman! I appreciate that she takes my sometimes radical questions, ideas, and statements and attempts to understand what I'm trying to say. She validates my feelings. Thank you, mama Cindy!

I know God was able to use me after what I heard from different people that night and it just astounds me still that the little poor girl from Victoria, Texas can impact anyone. I am humbled. God is SO good!