Graceful Love

"You ruined your witness." I can hear those words spoken from the lips of a very dear friend and although it wasn't meant as horrible as it sounded as we reflected a brief history of actions past, I remember how it felt to completely know what I was doing at that time and not caring. I've ruined my witness. Countless times. The selfishness in me to satisfy my earthly desires-the pride in my heart and feeling of validation of who I am has trumped my heavenly purpose numerous times. That time, I was aware of it. I had become aware because I was in daily reflection in prayer while I was doing it. I boastfully ruined my witness. I think about times when I wasn't praying daily. I used to simply do what I thought was right and not check in with God every day to reveal the intentions of my heart. I wonder how many times I unknowingly ruined my witness for Christ. Now, it hardly happens without my knowing. I'm quick to apologize, but many times it doesn't change my actions in the moment. I should be running from myself every day. Everyone else should be too.

The air I breathe still exists, however, and I don't cease to live. I can't hide in a corner in my house and not experience life with my family and friends. What could I do? Jesus has a lot more grace for me than I do for myself. My shame about how I've messed up should convict me but it shouldn't suffocate me. That's easier said than done. Loving God and loving others requires so much giving of myself that thankfulness is the first and foremost ingredient I turn to when waking up from these chains of guilt. I am thankful. I am thankful I am still alive and experiencing friends and family despite the sin I've committed. Despite ruining my witness.

My guilt is a fact. It has happened. I've done something wrong. Jesus whispers, "that fact is covered in my blood." I need help remembering that I can still stand back up and move forward. I can only move forward if I'm willing to accept his grace and give myself some too. It's harder when there are hurt people in my wake. They may not be so quick to give me grace. I don't need to dwell in that guilt for them either, however. Jesus is talking to them too. Love for God and for them covers a multitude of sins-even mine.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Cor 13: 4-8)

This is the love God has for me and should be the love I have for others. Never abandon, always love. I cannot love as perfectly as He can, but I can try. I can remember his love for me and be thankful he is so quick to forgive and transform. My part is the desire to be transformed. I can't imagine a worst person he could love than me, but I can imagine he loves me like crazy. If I can remember that, then righteousness is when I can get up and pay it forward. May I be the person he intends me to be with this heart so selfish, proud, and cruel. His love is an anchor for me; his ways my utmost desire and my comfort.