Broken Jars

One of the worst mistakes I've made is hurting the people I care most about. I can't imagine a more broken feeling. The second mistake would have been to not sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness from them and from God. The third would be to never accept grace from God and forgive myself despite the brokenness.

If you're familiar with my purple jars story, then you know that I regard each blessing from God as a purple jar sent on perfectly motioned waves from the horizon on the other side of the ocean to me on the shore. Each jar has a purpose and is always intended to bless my life with Goodness. I have loved each jar and I've tried to be obedient in taking care of every one, holding on to it and loving it as long as I need to, not coveting any one of them for too long, accepting the blessing for what it is, praising Him for it, then having faith he will send another. 

Sometimes, I get stupid. Lately, I've taken a jar that was meant to bless me and I've broken it. No one did it but me. My human brain can't imagine a fix. God will have work with it, but first I have to show Him what I've done. I have to painfully hand Him back that jar in pieces, and let Him heal it. He may not choose to put it back together, He may not give it back to me ever again, and needless to say, it may never be the same. The consequences are mine and the blessing's, and I pray for its healing. 

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” ~Apostle Paul

I do seek a life of peace. I mess up, however, and turmoil makes his home in my heart. I am reminded by well meaning friends that no one is perfect, and if I were perfect, I wouldn't need Jesus. They remind me that Jesus came for exactly that reason-because everyone that exists in this world, including me, are flawed, selfish, sinful creatures, none of which are capable of living perfect lives. I'll be honest and say that although I know this is true, it's been little consolation knowing I messed up. I'm harder on myself than that and I struggle with my imperfections. Even though I know it's very impossible, I feel like I shouldn't have any imperfections at all. After all, if I love God, doesn't that mean I should never do godless, shameful things? I must not love Him enough. I must not be serious. And I’m a Christian. I am disappointed that I need grace daily. If I’m a Christian, why do I need grace? Isn’t that the idea? To live like Jesus, to live perfectly? Well, no, it’s not, but try explaining that to the people I hurt. Although I am transformed through Christ, that will never make me a perfect person. I am just like Paul who says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

I love my friends like family, and I care for them deeply. I pray and grieve for the ones I hurt and not a minute goes by that I'm not wishing I were a “better” person. Not a minute passes that I wish I didn't constantly ruin my witness in one way or another to those who matter to me most. Thanks be to God, my Forever Friend, to Jesus, the Ultimate Resistor of temptation, and to the Holy Spirit, who witnesses my shame, that they can do what I never can and love me more than I will ever deserve. While I can’t fix it, I pray about it and those involved. I know I cannot become a "better" person. That’s impossible to achieve. I am simply human, I am simply myself, a fallen person, with a mix of good and bad, unable to undo her own mistakes. I may not be able to become "better", but I can become stronger. A stronger person who makes better choices, owns up to her mistakes, doesn't think of herself higher than anyone else, remains humble in spirit, and asks for forgiveness for every broken jar. 

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

Amen.

The Beginning of the Dream

Here's a portion of a letter I wrote to Compassion international some months after I had this talk with God. It chronicles the talk we had and the beginning of a huge dream. I'm not sure what's in store for me anymore, but when I read this, I remember how big the impact was for me. It's at my core.

",,,Then came November 29th. (2012)

I was on a prayer walk, asking for help on something troubling me pretty deeply. “Stay sanctified,” He said. “Sanctify yourself. I have more in store for you.” I was surprised. More, really? Lord, I thought this was it. This life as a photographer; I thought I was done. I dare not ask what it was or what it pertained to, but I did feel the motivation. He would reveal Himself to me and more would come if I stayed on the straight path. That was enough for me.

I felt His presence so close that I lifted up the people closest to me and my minister at church. I asked God to protect them and bless them. I had just completed a campaign to raise money to donate to Compassion, so I lifted up the children it would help as well. “Lord, please protect my kids.” Whoops. “I mean your kids. I’m sorry, God, I know they are your kids…” I immediately felt challenged on my thinking. Whose kids are they? Yes, they belong to God, but why did I feel like in that moment that they also belonged to me? Was it a slip of the tongue? God had me question my own rationale and my thoughts. I began to stumble. “You know, God. You’re kids. I mean, I know they’re your kids…I’m sorry I said my kids.” Why aren’t they mine? “Well, I know I should care more about them, Lord. I know they should mean more to me. I’m sorry, please forgive me.” Then He challenges me. “Once you can learn to love them as your own, you will see my glory.” Whoa. “Wait a minute, God. It was just a mistake; I didn’t mean it literally and I’m sorry. Can we back up...(this step is a lot bigger than I wanted this morning)” No, He didn’t. “Do you want to see my power?” He asks me. “Yes, you know I do, God. I want to more than anything.” “Go there,” He responds (retelling this makes it all seem like it was immediate back and forth, but please know there were a lot of hesitations, breathing, and praying in between each of these until the next whisper). Once the next whisper hit, my mind would go flying in a million directions, trying to reason His whisper away.

I heard Him say “Go there” and I tried to send where that was to the back of my mind and pretend I didn’t know. Maybe I could hide from Him the fact that I knew where He meant. Immediately I started backtracking, trying to forget what we were just discussing. To forget I knew where “there” was. “Go where? What do you mean?” He doesn’t answer. He knows that I know. “Umm, God? I can’t. I bring those places up to the front of my mind, away from their hiding place and submit. I can’t go there. I don’t have money to go there. I don’t have time. I have two small kids and do you remember who I’m married to? (God and I know Harvey doesn’t like change). Most of all, you know where I stand. I love you a lot and I want to see your glory. I would go if I could, but I just can’t.” For awhile, my mind just races. How does He expect me to get there? What does He want me to do there? Just visit? Work? What was my purpose for going? Seeing His glory excites me, but would it be worth it to risk losing time with my kids or having my husband upset with me? The money...

My heart goes soft. “God, I do want to do what you ask, but you know I don’t have the money or resources to do it.” A few seconds go by. “Apply,” He whispers. “Apply?” For a few seconds that seem like minutes, I genuinely don’t know what this whisper meant. What does He mean by this word? All the other whispers came and they hit me and I ran. This one piqued my curiosity and I genuinely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, have no idea what He meant with this word. It didn’t seem like the next step. What? A few seconds, maybe even a minute passes as I’m deep in thought, trying to put this word into our conversation.

I was innocently and utterly free of suspicion of the life change that was at my door. Then, to release my struggle and turn my world upside down, He opens up my mind and gives me the thought. Compassion International. That was the missing link. The doors to promise and beauty and hope fly wide open and I’m brought to my spiritual knees. He meant apply to work for Compassion International as a photographer. It would take care of the financial strain and I would be able to see these children I now know are mine. I bask in the dream for a few seconds and I enjoy the idea of the promise to see His power, of the happiness and joy that I would be blessed with. He knows my heart for the children and he knows I desire so much to see their faces and hold them in my hands, take my camera, snap their beautiful picture, and show it to the world. “I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all Your wonders-these children. It’s the Truth. It’s the true way to do what I do. It’s who I really am inside. I’ve been prepared all my life for this and I feel the tug, the pull, the unmistakable love I long to show. “Oh, dear God…,” I start, “…no.” I mean, wow! What a vision! Please take it away. It’s not what I need or deserve. It is amazing…and it’s so much bigger than me. It’s not what I was looking for 20 minutes go when I started this walk. I didn’t come here for that. Thank you, God, that’s an awesome vision and a great thought, but… “Apply!”, He cuts me off.

Wait. Wait just a minute. Seriously?! Do you have any idea what you just did to me? What in the world?!! Are you crazy? Why would you do that?! You know I’m not equipped to take this on. What on earth are you thinking? Do you have any idea what Harvey would do? Then doubt creeps in. Maybe He didn’t send me this. Maybe it was just me. Maybe Compassion International was my idea and now He actually wants me to do it? I get furious. “God. If this is my idea, please take it away immediately. I would be so mad! Don’t let me do that. If it is, I do not want it. It would wreck my life. What if this is my idea?!! I can’t justify it to Harvey if it is. I can’t even start it if it is.” I calm just enough to finally ask. “God, is it my idea? Please tell me.” “You’re not good enough,” He responds. I know what He means. I’m not even hurt by this. He totally knows me and I totally know what He means and He’s right. I’m not good inside enough. I would never consider giving my life to this myself. And I can’t bless myself to this abundant measure He’s talking about all alone. Wow. He’s so right. “Plus, you don’t even want to do it!” He reminds me. I guess if it was my idea, I would be doing it without hesitation. Ugh. Always right.

“Ok, I’m convinced this is not my idea, but what if it’s satan’s and I’m really talking to satan?” I ask Him. What bad things can happen? It has the potential to put a strain on my marriage. What if satan wants me to secretly do it so he can wreck my life? “What Good has come from the mouth of satan?” God asks me. Whoa. That was pretty direct. What this is is Goodness, not death. Nothing Good comes from the mouth of satan. This is not satan I’m talking to. I am humbled. Ok, God. I am Your servant. Tears streaming , I give up. I’ve learned through my redemption not to fight long with Him. He’s giving me his Truth, His answers, and I believe Him. This is what He wants me to do. I don’t realize it’s what people call a “calling” until later. But I relent. I give myself up. I finally say, “Ok. What do I do?” “Apply,” He whispers again. “Now?,” I ask. “YES. Right now? How long will you wait? When do you think is a good time? Now.” It sends me into another fury. Tears are just falling off my face now and I must look like a psycho pacing the sidewalk arguing with the air across the street from my house. My jaw is clenched and I’m so upset. I’m upset because even though I know the truth, I have to deny the feeling that this is made up and I’m doing this on my own. I’m upset because it’s not what I came here for and yet I have to act. I can’t deny this calling. I can’t deny what He said to me and what it did to my heart. I am so frustrated at the thought that I have to explain this life change I’m about to walk into my house and make to my husband who at this moment doesn’t have a clue that I’m painting our future. Right now. He said now.

I’m crying and upset, hurling frustrations at God and I ask, “What do I do when it gets hard, God? What do I do when I doubt the Truth again and I think this came from me? What do I do when people say I can’t do this? This is so much bigger than me.” He was waiting for this. “You come here and you visit me. This is bigger than you, Julizza. You can’t do it alone. That’s why you need me. Come back here and see me when it gets hard. I will be with you.” That makes too much sense. I huff into my house crying and I search for your website. I find a way to contact somebody after I see that you don’t even need a photographer. There’s no place to submit an application for “photographer”. And I need a sponsor number. I might need to sponsor a child through you in order to get one. Ok. I’ll do it if that’s what it takes. That would make a lot of sense. Tears still streaming, I bang out this letter to someone on the other side of this dream:

 

From: Julizza Holub [mailto:jholub@capturingcreations.com] 

Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2012 09:23 AM 

To: Compassion Int'l Information (GMC-USA SDS_SDR) 

Subject: Contact Us: Other 

Regarding: Other 

Are You A Sponsor: No 

Sponsor Number: none 

 Name: Julizza Holub 

Comments: 

Hi, my name is Julizza Holub and I am a professional portrait photographer. I have sponsored a child through a different organization and my heart is with children in poverty as I grew up the same way. This morning while on my jog, God put a calling in me to apply to your organization as a photographer. I am not needing or even wanting this opportunity, don't know what it would entail, and am scared out of my brain to tell you the truth. God has assured me it is not my idea to do this because I'm just not this good. He tells me I will see His power with you. So, I'm not sure if you need me or want me, but I am at your service. Here is my website. Thank you for taking the time to read this crazy email. http://www.capturingcreations.com 

End of message.

What a way to make an entrance, huh? Can you tell I’m running for this with everything I have? God must have had a good laugh at this and probably shook his head while covering his face with His hands. “What are you doing, Julizza? When will you know you were made for this?, He wonders.” He has more work to do.

He made it so it didn’t make it to the right person…try again. I’m thinking I acted, right? I’m at least trying. I get a response from a very sweet individual:

Dear Julizza, Thank you for contacting Compassion! I respect your obedience to the Lord in what He tells you to do. I was very impressed by your website and it is obvious God has gifted you in the field of photography. What a joy it is to use our gifts for his purposes! As impressed that I am, I am not the one that hires for Compassion. I advise you to go to our website at www.compassion.com and look at our employment opportunities. I encourage you to be patient and apply for the jobs that God is calling you to. I am forwarding this email to our Human Resources department. May the Lord lead you Julizza! Thank you for your partnership with Compassion. If you need further assistance, you may reply to this email or you may also contact us at 800-336-7676. We are available to serve you Monday - Friday, 7:00 am to 5:30 pm, MT. 
 Have a blessed day, Kimi 
Sponsor & Donor Relations 

I try the number several days in a row and I don’t receive a call back. Day after day, I’m sharing my story. It was such an overwhelming face-to-face contact with the Creator of the universe that I have to tell people. I tell my best friend, my spiritual parents, and a minister over the phone. A few days later, my husband and I go out on a dinner date and we sit in the parking lot while I tell my story. To my surprise, he jumps on board. He admits he’s scared of the change, but he’s going to support my dream nonetheless. An answered prayer!

I get so overwhelmed with work during the Christmas season and my dream nags at me. On December 18th, I sponsor Dari. Like so many others, I find it so rewarding, just as rewarding as Maranata from Rwanda. I love them both. Since then, I’ve watched the Compassion International photographer stories on the blog and through Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I take the time to ask for an email to an employment person and through these months, although I know of the promise before me, I sink into a depression. My father’s birthday in February hits me harder this year than any year before. This application along with Easter is part of my emerging from that depression. So although I’m embarrassed it has taken me since November 29th to compose this letter, I realize that the time needed to pass in order for my heart to soften, for me to feel what it’s like to not have this dream. His dream for me has become my dream. Everything I do for my own business feels like it’s not enough. I’m in a spiritual and professional limbo. I have this spiritual appetite that won’t be filled by anything other than this dream. So I’m giving it my all. I’ve told you more about me than even some of my closest friends know. I’m completely unveiled and I want you to see who I really am. I am a fallen, redeemed, purchased soul who is eager to put a smile on the Creator’s face with everything she does. I have two beautiful children-Rio is 7 and Lathan just turned 4. I have an amazing supportive husband who loves me more than anyone in this world does. We’re far from perfect, but we all love God together.

I’m sure an organization like yours receives letters like this all the time and if that’s true, how blessed are your ears! To witness God’s whispers incessantly on the hearts of His people is a beautiful thing and His calling on their lives is an unmistakable love story. In my story, I have learned that I am made for you and no other organization. He didn’t say anyone else. He said Compassion International. So it’s my life’s dream to be “there” and witness His power with you. I am praying you will have us soon."

Hope you enjoyed it and to me it feels like a dream that ever happened. Glad to share it with you.