Broken Jars

One of the worst mistakes I've made is hurting the people I care most about. I can't imagine a more broken feeling. The second mistake would have been to not sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness from them and from God. The third would be to never accept grace from God and forgive myself despite the brokenness.

If you're familiar with my purple jars story, then you know that I regard each blessing from God as a purple jar sent on perfectly motioned waves from the horizon on the other side of the ocean to me on the shore. Each jar has a purpose and is always intended to bless my life with Goodness. I have loved each jar and I've tried to be obedient in taking care of every one, holding on to it and loving it as long as I need to, not coveting any one of them for too long, accepting the blessing for what it is, praising Him for it, then having faith he will send another. 

Sometimes, I get stupid. Lately, I've taken a jar that was meant to bless me and I've broken it. No one did it but me. My human brain can't imagine a fix. God will have work with it, but first I have to show Him what I've done. I have to painfully hand Him back that jar in pieces, and let Him heal it. He may not choose to put it back together, He may not give it back to me ever again, and needless to say, it may never be the same. The consequences are mine and the blessing's, and I pray for its healing. 

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” ~Apostle Paul

I do seek a life of peace. I mess up, however, and turmoil makes his home in my heart. I am reminded by well meaning friends that no one is perfect, and if I were perfect, I wouldn't need Jesus. They remind me that Jesus came for exactly that reason-because everyone that exists in this world, including me, are flawed, selfish, sinful creatures, none of which are capable of living perfect lives. I'll be honest and say that although I know this is true, it's been little consolation knowing I messed up. I'm harder on myself than that and I struggle with my imperfections. Even though I know it's very impossible, I feel like I shouldn't have any imperfections at all. After all, if I love God, doesn't that mean I should never do godless, shameful things? I must not love Him enough. I must not be serious. And I’m a Christian. I am disappointed that I need grace daily. If I’m a Christian, why do I need grace? Isn’t that the idea? To live like Jesus, to live perfectly? Well, no, it’s not, but try explaining that to the people I hurt. Although I am transformed through Christ, that will never make me a perfect person. I am just like Paul who says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

I love my friends like family, and I care for them deeply. I pray and grieve for the ones I hurt and not a minute goes by that I'm not wishing I were a “better” person. Not a minute passes that I wish I didn't constantly ruin my witness in one way or another to those who matter to me most. Thanks be to God, my Forever Friend, to Jesus, the Ultimate Resistor of temptation, and to the Holy Spirit, who witnesses my shame, that they can do what I never can and love me more than I will ever deserve. While I can’t fix it, I pray about it and those involved. I know I cannot become a "better" person. That’s impossible to achieve. I am simply human, I am simply myself, a fallen person, with a mix of good and bad, unable to undo her own mistakes. I may not be able to become "better", but I can become stronger. A stronger person who makes better choices, owns up to her mistakes, doesn't think of herself higher than anyone else, remains humble in spirit, and asks for forgiveness for every broken jar. 

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

Amen.