Michael Had A Dream

 I felt compelled to write more than just a Facebook post, so here I am back at the only place I know to write this story. Michael had a dream last Friday night, April 27th, 2025. We had been worrying about finances and some things going on that we had no control over. He has someone in his life that has caused him a lot of pain, stress, and grief. It has overtaken him like a dark cloud for years. 

As pressure was mounting on us as we tried to wade through rough and uncertain waters, we were struggling to keep the faith that things will be ok for our futures. At some point, Michael tells me, "Whatever the cost, I am willing to pay it, because spending my life with you is worth it all." It made me feel better, but I hated how he was being taken advantage of. The night before, I settled into idea that perhaps this person will forever plague our happiness and we just need to make the best of it. But fear still had a hold of us. 

"Why does it bother you so much?" God asked me that night. 

"I just hate to see him suffer so much. I hate to see him being taken advantage of. I hate how his love is exploited for personal gain by those who hate him and take advantage of him. I hate how he does the best he can and still can't catch a break. Always made out to be the bad guy even though it's not the truth. I hate how his future is bleak when he deserves so much more! I hate that he is suffering for going above and beyond!"

"Is this about your pride? Or yourself?" God asked.

"No. I know it's not. If there's something in me that I need to fix, Lord, show me. This isn't about me. I'm angry because he's undeserving of the treatment he's getting. It's not right," I respond. 

"Then this is righteous anger," He says. 

I knew I wasn't worried about me. This was about Michael. I had been having revelations in prayer walks recently, I've been maturing, and realizing more and more through prayer and scripture that GOD desires to be ACKNOWLEDGED more than He desires to receive apologies and sacrifices from us. That is what he meant when he said, 

"For I desire mercy (steadfast love), not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6 

This is the way it was when I was a child. When I was young, my father used to tell me, "Don't do bad when no one can see you. GOD sees everything. There's nothing you can hide from HIM. I can't be everywhere you are. I can't tell you no. I can't make you do good all the time. You have to know that God is watching everything you do so you can remember this: when you're doing bad things, you're not getting away with it. God sees you and He sees what you are doing. Don't do things thinking they are invisible and don't have consequences. They're not invisible and they do have consequences eventually, even if it's not right then."

As a child and adolescent, I thought my dad was just telling me this to scare and control me when he wasn't there. I thought it was a tactic. Only now, in my late 40s, am I realizing He was trying to protect me from God's wrath. I'm realizing now that it's my lack of acknowledgement (ignoring) of God's existence, God's sight, His closeness, His holiness, His love of me and His love of those I might be wronging that God hates. When I ignore His opinion and His commands yet claim I love Him, God hates that and ultimately my sin punishes me. Now as an adult disciple, I am learning God actually would rather give mercy than see the punishments of my sins, then see my sacrifices in order to get right with Him again. He'd rather me ask for forgiveness and give me mercy because I acknowledge Him than anything else. When I acknowledge my own faults, the fact that I'm a sinner... that makes him glad. If my arrogance takes me to the point I have to go through something drastic and then have to turn from my ways with much suffering in order to return, it hurts. 

God hates it when people act on their own evil desires while claiming they believe He exists. He hates it when people say they believe in God but they imagine He doesn't exist enough to be watching them closely. God hates that people feel they can be "The Judge" for other people while their own sin stays hidden or excused and justified by themselves. They think THEY are God, and they do not act humbly, as if HE is their King. No, they lead their own lives and commit their evil without any remorse or acknowledgement that God, The Creator, the King of Kings and Lord or Lords, exists and is watching them.  

I didn't realize how much this bothers Him until I started reading the scriptures. "For I desire mercy not sacrifice" can be found in Hosea chapters 6-11.  When you read this, look how God is angry and DONE with arrogant people who are unfaithful to Him, who don't give Him credit, whose love for Him disappears at the drop of a hat, who lie and carry out evil schemes, who rob and delight in their wickedness. These people want to be the judges themselves and their senseless deeds and rotten mouths show how far they have strayed from Him. They are looking to satisfy themselves over everything. It's these people and their sins and crimes he intends to expose in the end. God is DONE with wickedness, lies, and evil - the evil that resides in the heart and mocks His majesty. 

Michael was afraid. He went to bed on Friday night with fear in his heart. 

It was about 4am when I heard Michael talk in his sleep. "What does it mean he called me by name?" 

Michael does NOT ever talk in his sleep. That night he did, and his speech was clear. Usually people mumble. It was as if this question was burning in his heart to ask me, and sleep wasn't going to stop him from asking. Immediately I knew this was important. I know the holy scriptures. I know exactly what God was doing. My eyes popped open and I looked over at him and saw his eyes were closed. I dared not disturb his dream. I knew God was blessing him in that very moment and I was thankful God had appeared to help him. 

I went back to sleep anticipating what we would talk about the next morning. 

When I woke up in the morning, Michael was asleep. I immediately picked up my phone to look up the scriptures that reference God's message to Michael in order to answer his question. When I did, I saw a text message he had sent me after his dream was over. His text read, "had dream and they said, 'he will call you by name'. what does that mean?" I know what that means. I know God called Him by name. I wanted to answer Michael in God's own words, so I looked up the scriptures. 

The first passage was so inspiring and beautiful. 

But now, this is what the Lord says—

    he who created you, Jacob,

    he who formed you, Israel:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

 When you pass through the waters,

    I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

    they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

    you will not be burned;

    the flames will not set you ablaze.

 

For I am the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

I give Egypt for your ransom,

    Cush and Seba in your stead.

 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,

    and because I love you,

I will give people in exchange for you,

    nations in exchange for your life.

 

Do not be afraid, for I am with you;

    I will bring your children from the east

    and gather you from the west.

 

I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’

    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’

Bring my sons from afar

    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—

 

everyone who is called by my name,

    whom I created for my glory,

    whom I formed and made.”

 

    who have ears but are deaf.

 

All the nations gather together

    and the peoples assemble.

Which of their gods foretold this

    and proclaimed to us the former things?

Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,

    so that others may hear and say, “It is true.”

 

“You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,

    “and my servant whom I have chosen,

so that you may know and believe me

    and understand that I am he.

Before me no god was formed,

    nor will there be one after me.

 

I, even I, am the Lord,

    and apart from me there is no savior.

 

 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—

    I, and not some foreign god among you.

You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.

 

  Yes, and from ancient days I am he.

No one can deliver out of my hand.

    When I act, who can reverse it?” 

Isaiah 43: 1-13

The second was beautiful as well:

This is what the Lord says to his anointed,

    to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of

to subdue nations before him

    and to strip kings of their armor,

to open doors before him

    so that gates will not be shut:

I will go before you

    and will level the mountains;

I will break down gates of bronze

    and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

    riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord,

    the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

For the sake of Jacob my servant,

    of Israel my chosen,

I summon you by name

    and bestow on you a title of honor,

    though you do not acknowledge me.

 

I am the Lord, and there is no other;

    apart from me there is no God.

I will strengthen you,

    though you have not acknowledged me,

 

so that from the rising of the sun

    to the place of its setting

people may know there is none besides me.

    I am the Lord, and there is no other.

 

I form the light and create darkness,

    I bring prosperity and create disaster;

    I, the Lord, do all these things.

Isaiah 45: 1-7

And lastly, 

“Very truly I tell you Pharisees, anyone who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice.” Jesus used this figure of speech, but the Pharisees did not understand what he was telling them.

Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

The Jews who heard these words were again divided. Many of them said, “He is demon-possessed and raving mad. Why listen to him?”

But others said, “These are not the sayings of a man possessed by a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind?”

John 10: 1-21

I texted these scriptures to him and waited for him to wake up. When he did, I didn't wait. I asked him about his dream. 

"The view at first was from the sky, looking down. The sunset was yellow and you could see over the land. It was green grass and patches of lakes or ponds. There were planks that connected all the way across towards the sunset and they were very thin - only wide enough for one foot. There were people walking, but I could only see from behind. They all had the same kind of drab clothes, like robes a monk would wear, so I couldn't tell if they were male or female and they were nondescript. I was one of the people walking, but I was viewing the scene from above. I felt as though we were all walking toward the end of life, off into the sunset, and I was scared. A woman's voice was soft and came from behind and above me saying, "Do not fear. He called you by name." Once I heard this, I felt relieved. It calmed my fear but left me confused. What does that mean, 'He called me by name'?"

He looked at my face and I was smiling. It was odd because the night before we went to bed anxious, fearful, and stressed. "Why are you so happy?" he asked, in true confusion.

"Because this is exciting! God spoke to you, Michael, and I am SO happy for you. I am SO happy you got to experience a message from God. He is trying to tell you something," I responded. I knew the message, but I wanted Michael to soak it in himself through the scriptures. I didn't want to tell him myself.

"You're happy for ME?" he asked. The concept seemed so foreign to him that I would be excited. I guess in the past, anything good that happened to him was met with jealousy.

"Of course!! I am so glad now YOU know that God loves you too, not just me. You needed that, and God provided it for you. I am so happy for you. This is BIG!" I exclaimed. 

I pulled up my phone and the scriptures I had already sent him by text. When I read the first scripture aloud to him... 

“DO NOT FEAR, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED YOU; 

    I HAVE SUMMONED YOU BY NAME; YOU ARE MINE.

 WHEN YOU PASS THROUGH THE WATERS,

    I WILL BE WITH YOU;

AND WHEN YOU PASS THROUGH THE RIVERS,

    THEY WILL NOT SWEEP OVER YOU...

I had to stop. It was proof that his dream was a message to him, and I looked at his face to see if he realized what I already knew. He began to cry. I went on. 

WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH THE FIRE, 

    YOU WILL NOT BE BURNED;

    THE FLAMES WILL NOT SET YOU ABLAZE.

I stopped again. The emotions overwhelmed him. It was what he needed to hear. In our bible class at church recently, we studied Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, three of God's faithful servants who were thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar for refusing to bow to an idol (Daniel 3), but they were unharmed. They were not burned. Michael was given the same promise. I was ecstatic for him. We read some more and I finished all the verses.

"I think God is telling us that it's going to be ok," Michael said. A peace washed over him only God can give.

"Yes, He is, and he's telling YOU so much more. You are one of God's chosen. You are HIS! You are amongst those who are walking the narrow path to heaven, and He has called you by name, Michael. You are blessed and you are being watched and protected. We can't control what happens, but GOD is in control and he doesn't want us to be afraid. Whoever comes against you and whoever aligns with your enemies may as well be heaping hot coals upon their own heads, because God will protect you against them. Jesus laid down his life for YOU and HE is your Good Shepherd. GOD has got you covered, and I am proud to be with you. I knew you were special in God's sight. You have taught me so much about walking the narrow way. I am glad I can help you see just how much God loves you. I am doing my best to support you, but you have nothing to fear. God is with you." Amen.

 

Broken Jars

One of the worst mistakes I've made is hurting the people I care most about. I can't imagine a more broken feeling. The second mistake would have been to not sincerely apologize and ask for forgiveness from them and from God. The third would be to never accept grace from God and forgive myself despite the brokenness.

If you're familiar with my purple jars story, then you know that I regard each blessing from God as a purple jar sent on perfectly motioned waves from the horizon on the other side of the ocean to me on the shore. Each jar has a purpose and is always intended to bless my life with Goodness. I have loved each jar and I've tried to be obedient in taking care of every one, holding on to it and loving it as long as I need to, not coveting any one of them for too long, accepting the blessing for what it is, praising Him for it, then having faith he will send another. 

Sometimes, I get stupid. Lately, I've taken a jar that was meant to bless me and I've broken it. No one did it but me. My human brain can't imagine a fix. God will have work with it, but first I have to show Him what I've done. I have to painfully hand Him back that jar in pieces, and let Him heal it. He may not choose to put it back together, He may not give it back to me ever again, and needless to say, it may never be the same. The consequences are mine and the blessing's, and I pray for its healing. 

"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing...The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” ~Apostle Paul

I do seek a life of peace. I mess up, however, and turmoil makes his home in my heart. I am reminded by well meaning friends that no one is perfect, and if I were perfect, I wouldn't need Jesus. They remind me that Jesus came for exactly that reason-because everyone that exists in this world, including me, are flawed, selfish, sinful creatures, none of which are capable of living perfect lives. I'll be honest and say that although I know this is true, it's been little consolation knowing I messed up. I'm harder on myself than that and I struggle with my imperfections. Even though I know it's very impossible, I feel like I shouldn't have any imperfections at all. After all, if I love God, doesn't that mean I should never do godless, shameful things? I must not love Him enough. I must not be serious. And I’m a Christian. I am disappointed that I need grace daily. If I’m a Christian, why do I need grace? Isn’t that the idea? To live like Jesus, to live perfectly? Well, no, it’s not, but try explaining that to the people I hurt. Although I am transformed through Christ, that will never make me a perfect person. I am just like Paul who says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

I love my friends like family, and I care for them deeply. I pray and grieve for the ones I hurt and not a minute goes by that I'm not wishing I were a “better” person. Not a minute passes that I wish I didn't constantly ruin my witness in one way or another to those who matter to me most. Thanks be to God, my Forever Friend, to Jesus, the Ultimate Resistor of temptation, and to the Holy Spirit, who witnesses my shame, that they can do what I never can and love me more than I will ever deserve. While I can’t fix it, I pray about it and those involved. I know I cannot become a "better" person. That’s impossible to achieve. I am simply human, I am simply myself, a fallen person, with a mix of good and bad, unable to undo her own mistakes. I may not be able to become "better", but I can become stronger. A stronger person who makes better choices, owns up to her mistakes, doesn't think of herself higher than anyone else, remains humble in spirit, and asks for forgiveness for every broken jar. 

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched (wo)man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

Amen.

The Beginning of the Dream

Here's a portion of a letter I wrote to Compassion international some months after I had this talk with God. It chronicles the talk we had and the beginning of a huge dream. I'm not sure what's in store for me anymore, but when I read this, I remember how big the impact was for me. It's at my core.

",,,Then came November 29th. (2012)

I was on a prayer walk, asking for help on something troubling me pretty deeply. “Stay sanctified,” He said. “Sanctify yourself. I have more in store for you.” I was surprised. More, really? Lord, I thought this was it. This life as a photographer; I thought I was done. I dare not ask what it was or what it pertained to, but I did feel the motivation. He would reveal Himself to me and more would come if I stayed on the straight path. That was enough for me.

I felt His presence so close that I lifted up the people closest to me and my minister at church. I asked God to protect them and bless them. I had just completed a campaign to raise money to donate to Compassion, so I lifted up the children it would help as well. “Lord, please protect my kids.” Whoops. “I mean your kids. I’m sorry, God, I know they are your kids…” I immediately felt challenged on my thinking. Whose kids are they? Yes, they belong to God, but why did I feel like in that moment that they also belonged to me? Was it a slip of the tongue? God had me question my own rationale and my thoughts. I began to stumble. “You know, God. You’re kids. I mean, I know they’re your kids…I’m sorry I said my kids.” Why aren’t they mine? “Well, I know I should care more about them, Lord. I know they should mean more to me. I’m sorry, please forgive me.” Then He challenges me. “Once you can learn to love them as your own, you will see my glory.” Whoa. “Wait a minute, God. It was just a mistake; I didn’t mean it literally and I’m sorry. Can we back up...(this step is a lot bigger than I wanted this morning)” No, He didn’t. “Do you want to see my power?” He asks me. “Yes, you know I do, God. I want to more than anything.” “Go there,” He responds (retelling this makes it all seem like it was immediate back and forth, but please know there were a lot of hesitations, breathing, and praying in between each of these until the next whisper). Once the next whisper hit, my mind would go flying in a million directions, trying to reason His whisper away.

I heard Him say “Go there” and I tried to send where that was to the back of my mind and pretend I didn’t know. Maybe I could hide from Him the fact that I knew where He meant. Immediately I started backtracking, trying to forget what we were just discussing. To forget I knew where “there” was. “Go where? What do you mean?” He doesn’t answer. He knows that I know. “Umm, God? I can’t. I bring those places up to the front of my mind, away from their hiding place and submit. I can’t go there. I don’t have money to go there. I don’t have time. I have two small kids and do you remember who I’m married to? (God and I know Harvey doesn’t like change). Most of all, you know where I stand. I love you a lot and I want to see your glory. I would go if I could, but I just can’t.” For awhile, my mind just races. How does He expect me to get there? What does He want me to do there? Just visit? Work? What was my purpose for going? Seeing His glory excites me, but would it be worth it to risk losing time with my kids or having my husband upset with me? The money...

My heart goes soft. “God, I do want to do what you ask, but you know I don’t have the money or resources to do it.” A few seconds go by. “Apply,” He whispers. “Apply?” For a few seconds that seem like minutes, I genuinely don’t know what this whisper meant. What does He mean by this word? All the other whispers came and they hit me and I ran. This one piqued my curiosity and I genuinely, beyond the shadow of a doubt, have no idea what He meant with this word. It didn’t seem like the next step. What? A few seconds, maybe even a minute passes as I’m deep in thought, trying to put this word into our conversation.

I was innocently and utterly free of suspicion of the life change that was at my door. Then, to release my struggle and turn my world upside down, He opens up my mind and gives me the thought. Compassion International. That was the missing link. The doors to promise and beauty and hope fly wide open and I’m brought to my spiritual knees. He meant apply to work for Compassion International as a photographer. It would take care of the financial strain and I would be able to see these children I now know are mine. I bask in the dream for a few seconds and I enjoy the idea of the promise to see His power, of the happiness and joy that I would be blessed with. He knows my heart for the children and he knows I desire so much to see their faces and hold them in my hands, take my camera, snap their beautiful picture, and show it to the world. “I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart. I will tell of all Your wonders-these children. It’s the Truth. It’s the true way to do what I do. It’s who I really am inside. I’ve been prepared all my life for this and I feel the tug, the pull, the unmistakable love I long to show. “Oh, dear God…,” I start, “…no.” I mean, wow! What a vision! Please take it away. It’s not what I need or deserve. It is amazing…and it’s so much bigger than me. It’s not what I was looking for 20 minutes go when I started this walk. I didn’t come here for that. Thank you, God, that’s an awesome vision and a great thought, but… “Apply!”, He cuts me off.

Wait. Wait just a minute. Seriously?! Do you have any idea what you just did to me? What in the world?!! Are you crazy? Why would you do that?! You know I’m not equipped to take this on. What on earth are you thinking? Do you have any idea what Harvey would do? Then doubt creeps in. Maybe He didn’t send me this. Maybe it was just me. Maybe Compassion International was my idea and now He actually wants me to do it? I get furious. “God. If this is my idea, please take it away immediately. I would be so mad! Don’t let me do that. If it is, I do not want it. It would wreck my life. What if this is my idea?!! I can’t justify it to Harvey if it is. I can’t even start it if it is.” I calm just enough to finally ask. “God, is it my idea? Please tell me.” “You’re not good enough,” He responds. I know what He means. I’m not even hurt by this. He totally knows me and I totally know what He means and He’s right. I’m not good inside enough. I would never consider giving my life to this myself. And I can’t bless myself to this abundant measure He’s talking about all alone. Wow. He’s so right. “Plus, you don’t even want to do it!” He reminds me. I guess if it was my idea, I would be doing it without hesitation. Ugh. Always right.

“Ok, I’m convinced this is not my idea, but what if it’s satan’s and I’m really talking to satan?” I ask Him. What bad things can happen? It has the potential to put a strain on my marriage. What if satan wants me to secretly do it so he can wreck my life? “What Good has come from the mouth of satan?” God asks me. Whoa. That was pretty direct. What this is is Goodness, not death. Nothing Good comes from the mouth of satan. This is not satan I’m talking to. I am humbled. Ok, God. I am Your servant. Tears streaming , I give up. I’ve learned through my redemption not to fight long with Him. He’s giving me his Truth, His answers, and I believe Him. This is what He wants me to do. I don’t realize it’s what people call a “calling” until later. But I relent. I give myself up. I finally say, “Ok. What do I do?” “Apply,” He whispers again. “Now?,” I ask. “YES. Right now? How long will you wait? When do you think is a good time? Now.” It sends me into another fury. Tears are just falling off my face now and I must look like a psycho pacing the sidewalk arguing with the air across the street from my house. My jaw is clenched and I’m so upset. I’m upset because even though I know the truth, I have to deny the feeling that this is made up and I’m doing this on my own. I’m upset because it’s not what I came here for and yet I have to act. I can’t deny this calling. I can’t deny what He said to me and what it did to my heart. I am so frustrated at the thought that I have to explain this life change I’m about to walk into my house and make to my husband who at this moment doesn’t have a clue that I’m painting our future. Right now. He said now.

I’m crying and upset, hurling frustrations at God and I ask, “What do I do when it gets hard, God? What do I do when I doubt the Truth again and I think this came from me? What do I do when people say I can’t do this? This is so much bigger than me.” He was waiting for this. “You come here and you visit me. This is bigger than you, Julizza. You can’t do it alone. That’s why you need me. Come back here and see me when it gets hard. I will be with you.” That makes too much sense. I huff into my house crying and I search for your website. I find a way to contact somebody after I see that you don’t even need a photographer. There’s no place to submit an application for “photographer”. And I need a sponsor number. I might need to sponsor a child through you in order to get one. Ok. I’ll do it if that’s what it takes. That would make a lot of sense. Tears still streaming, I bang out this letter to someone on the other side of this dream:

 

From: Julizza Holub [mailto:jholub@capturingcreations.com] 

Sent: Thursday, November 29, 2012 09:23 AM 

To: Compassion Int'l Information (GMC-USA SDS_SDR) 

Subject: Contact Us: Other 

Regarding: Other 

Are You A Sponsor: No 

Sponsor Number: none 

 Name: Julizza Holub 

Comments: 

Hi, my name is Julizza Holub and I am a professional portrait photographer. I have sponsored a child through a different organization and my heart is with children in poverty as I grew up the same way. This morning while on my jog, God put a calling in me to apply to your organization as a photographer. I am not needing or even wanting this opportunity, don't know what it would entail, and am scared out of my brain to tell you the truth. God has assured me it is not my idea to do this because I'm just not this good. He tells me I will see His power with you. So, I'm not sure if you need me or want me, but I am at your service. Here is my website. Thank you for taking the time to read this crazy email. http://www.capturingcreations.com 

End of message.

What a way to make an entrance, huh? Can you tell I’m running for this with everything I have? God must have had a good laugh at this and probably shook his head while covering his face with His hands. “What are you doing, Julizza? When will you know you were made for this?, He wonders.” He has more work to do.

He made it so it didn’t make it to the right person…try again. I’m thinking I acted, right? I’m at least trying. I get a response from a very sweet individual:

Dear Julizza, Thank you for contacting Compassion! I respect your obedience to the Lord in what He tells you to do. I was very impressed by your website and it is obvious God has gifted you in the field of photography. What a joy it is to use our gifts for his purposes! As impressed that I am, I am not the one that hires for Compassion. I advise you to go to our website at www.compassion.com and look at our employment opportunities. I encourage you to be patient and apply for the jobs that God is calling you to. I am forwarding this email to our Human Resources department. May the Lord lead you Julizza! Thank you for your partnership with Compassion. If you need further assistance, you may reply to this email or you may also contact us at 800-336-7676. We are available to serve you Monday - Friday, 7:00 am to 5:30 pm, MT. 
 Have a blessed day, Kimi 
Sponsor & Donor Relations 

I try the number several days in a row and I don’t receive a call back. Day after day, I’m sharing my story. It was such an overwhelming face-to-face contact with the Creator of the universe that I have to tell people. I tell my best friend, my spiritual parents, and a minister over the phone. A few days later, my husband and I go out on a dinner date and we sit in the parking lot while I tell my story. To my surprise, he jumps on board. He admits he’s scared of the change, but he’s going to support my dream nonetheless. An answered prayer!

I get so overwhelmed with work during the Christmas season and my dream nags at me. On December 18th, I sponsor Dari. Like so many others, I find it so rewarding, just as rewarding as Maranata from Rwanda. I love them both. Since then, I’ve watched the Compassion International photographer stories on the blog and through Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I take the time to ask for an email to an employment person and through these months, although I know of the promise before me, I sink into a depression. My father’s birthday in February hits me harder this year than any year before. This application along with Easter is part of my emerging from that depression. So although I’m embarrassed it has taken me since November 29th to compose this letter, I realize that the time needed to pass in order for my heart to soften, for me to feel what it’s like to not have this dream. His dream for me has become my dream. Everything I do for my own business feels like it’s not enough. I’m in a spiritual and professional limbo. I have this spiritual appetite that won’t be filled by anything other than this dream. So I’m giving it my all. I’ve told you more about me than even some of my closest friends know. I’m completely unveiled and I want you to see who I really am. I am a fallen, redeemed, purchased soul who is eager to put a smile on the Creator’s face with everything she does. I have two beautiful children-Rio is 7 and Lathan just turned 4. I have an amazing supportive husband who loves me more than anyone in this world does. We’re far from perfect, but we all love God together.

I’m sure an organization like yours receives letters like this all the time and if that’s true, how blessed are your ears! To witness God’s whispers incessantly on the hearts of His people is a beautiful thing and His calling on their lives is an unmistakable love story. In my story, I have learned that I am made for you and no other organization. He didn’t say anyone else. He said Compassion International. So it’s my life’s dream to be “there” and witness His power with you. I am praying you will have us soon."

Hope you enjoyed it and to me it feels like a dream that ever happened. Glad to share it with you.

Tears

What fortune lies beyond the stars
Those dazzling heights too vast to climb
I got so high to fall so far
But I found heaven as love swept low

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

What treasure waits within Your scars
This gift of freedom gold can't buy
I bought the world and sold my heart
You traded heaven to have me again

My heart beating, my soul breathing
I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Find me here at Your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender
Come sweep me up in Your love again
And my soul will dance
On the wings of forever

Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky
When my knees hit the ground

~Hillsong, Touch the Sky

I've been going to the gym a lot lately. Trying to build muscle and get in shape. I've pushed harder this time than I ever have before. I was feeling down about missing a few workouts lately and my friend encouraged me.

"Don't beat yourself up. You do know how muscles grow, don't you?" he asked.

"Ummm....no?" I responded, a bit ashamed that I had never really thought about that before.

"Well, while you're working out, you're tearing your muscles. That's why you're sore afterward, because of all of those microscopic tears. After you workout, your body repairs and replaces the damaged muscle fibers, fusing them together, and they become stronger. The thing is, this doesn't happen while you're lifting weights, as you might think. It happens while you rest. So don't worry too much about giving your body some rest."

Immediately, my mind is on God's design. My mind is blown. I've been torn. Torn in my relationships, business, learning, trials, life. The thing is, I can completely shy down from these tears, just like I would shy down from going to the gym to avoid the soreness afterward, but then that means I wouldn't get stronger. The design of God is always counterintuitive. Through our sin He strengthens us, through our trials He molds and shapes us, through our constant messing up, He transforms us. 

I recently wondered if on my holiest day I could ever come close to the love David had for God in his heart. It was this week and I was running. Then God revealed the secret. It's not on my holiest day that I match that love for God most, it's on my most torn up day. And he repairs and strengthens me. I pray I always look for the strength in the tears.

I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground.