Recently I was met by a profound feeling of loss when my brother expressed his unbelief in God to me...and it left me feeling so selfish. I've known it a long time and the sharing was respectful-we have a mutual respect for each other, but it left me thinking about what I have hidden from him and the world all of this time. What am I doing? When will I begin to share this amazing gift of peace I feel inside?
Profound loss and sorrow are natural feelings. Jesus had them and it's a feeling God would rather not have when He thinks about us, His creation. Even God doesn't want to feel loss-that can't be any clearer to me as I read about His love for us and the sacrifice He endured. He, Mary, the disciples, Jesus...all of them experienced the biggest loss the world has ever known, but then also have and will experience the greatest victory the world will ever know. He wants us all to be with Him. All of us. The world. Yet we know that not all of us will be there. I know this, yet, I'd rather be comfortable? What's wrong with me? Sharing isn't pushing, loving isn't fighting...I don't mean all of that. I mean truly sharing my comfort in Christ and loving people.
In my sorrow, I got on my knees and I prayed. I felt so deeply about this loss that I made a plea. I have been afraid to know that what I do with God in private is "wrong" or not normal. I wonder about how people that love God talk to Him, even the spiritual strongmen of the bible. Paul, Job, David...what did it look like to talk to God for each of them? Am I somehow doing it wrong? My tears are messy. I need to wipe my nose a lot...did this happen to them too? As I cried, I felt compelled to write my brother's name in the carpet. I wrote his name with my finger in the carpet. I didn't stop there...I wrote more names...and I didn't know why I felt like doing it, I just did. Was this wrong? Am I supposed to do this? I didn't care. It felt right. I felt like that was my plea that those names be written in the Book of Life. "Here, God, see these names... H..., M..., E..., A.... and as I wrote, praying...see them and know them, and add them to your Book, please God." I just kept writing and crying. My tears got on the carpet. My hair in my face. Was my plea biblical? It's not about that. My plea was spiritual. I was in contact with my Lord and I had a case to bring to Him. Was it sanitary? No. I can't imagine how the spiritual strongmen I look up to ever stayed clean.
What if there are years of unsanitized prayer represented in our world's history? What if when God tells us He will wipe away our tears, He means the tears we have shed in begging and pleading and praying in His presence? What if being spiritually strong isn't sanitary? It's not pretty to cry, or kneel, or fall on your face. No one wants to know about that, see it. We want everyone to think we've never had a frown-at least I have caught myself doing that. Besides prayer, where else in God's work will you get dirty? How about when helping people you don't know, but are commanded to love anyway? Did Jesus say "just love the clean people"? No, He didn't...
It's so great and happy to be a Christian! YES, it IS!! It's the most amazing life there is! And it is also deep, real, self-analyzing, self-sacrificing, suffering, and unsanitary.
May I stop keeping this wonderful gift inside. May I never pretend that all is easy for me. May I not be ashamed of the unsanitary work of His people.
My spiritual journey. Praise be to God!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
He Gives Power to the Weak
My journey to know God has been plagued with weakness. Yet, some will say to me, "you're strong". This post is about how weak I actually am and how strong my God makes me.
To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Do you not know?
Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 25-26, 28-31
Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40: 25-26, 28-31
If you compare me in stature to strong, young, athletic men and women, you will know that I am weak. Yet, this passage tells us that no matter what you are--even if you are strong physically--you will stumble and fall unless you have hope in the Lord. I am one of those that has hope in the Lord. For a while, I've had hope in other people, put my worth into people's ideas of me, and have felt the sting of rejection come close to ruining my life. Yet God has taken this weak and rejected being and has made her strong. Strong enough to rise out of the pile of mush I've made and clean it up. He's given me the strength to not throw away the things He has blessed me with and to toss aside those things He never meant for me. He's cast away from me the fear of joy in my present circumstances-whatever they may be.
God is an inside-out God. I mean that in every sense you can fathom. Give him sadness and He brings out joy. Give Him yourself and He multiplies your influence. Give Him weakness and He gives you strength. You can even give Him ashes and He makes life. I've given Him greed, jealousy, frustration, rejection, fear, anger, and hate and He has made bountiful blessings, joy, acceptance, comfort, happiness, and love. He doesn't stop there. He multiplies Himself through me and He continues to give despite my weaknesses. So what am I to do? Show Him more weakness or grow in His strength? It's like the talents. Hide this newfound strength or display it for all to see His awesome work in me? I will not grow weary-I will soar high on wings like eagles...and I will praise Him the entire way!
God has made a flower garden out of a heart that was burned to the ground. He watered my spirit, He became the sole sower of seeds in this place. My heart belongs to no more than Him! This decision takes a lot of hope, confidence, and belief on my part. Who doesn't want to give their heart to worldly things? I know I did. I know I did. I know I don't want to anymore. There's a difference in giving your heart to things and loving things. Surely God wants us to love-it is His greatest commandment. But first, love Him. That doesn't mean you have less love for others-indeed, God is an inside-out God. The more you decide to give your heart to Him, the more room He will make in your heart for others. He creates from nothing. He will continue to make room as you grow in your heart for Him. So what's the main ingredient? Hope. Hope that it's the right thing to do, that it won't lead to a boring life, that He will return that love and that you will be able to feel it and revel in it. He has promised that you will. Don't you know? Haven't you heard? He made the heavens in the earth yet He loves you most of all. Surely He will reciprocate and multiply the feeling of love in your heart once you make the decision to love Him with it all!!
This weakling is too weak to stand on her own. The things of this earth are so hard to deal with. The evil is too pressing. The traps are too dangerous, the rejection and hate is all so taxing on me. His rod and staff comfort me. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He will do it all for me. He will fight it all for me.
Thank you, God, for Your promises. Thank you for Your strength. Your awesome and mighty ways are enough to sustain me. Your creation exalts You in reverence and praise. All glory and praise to You, Lord! You are holy, holy, holy. So holy. In Jesus's powerful name I thank You, Amen.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I AM
"I throw my life upon all that You are because I know You gave it all for me. When all else fades, I know my soul will dance with You-where the love lasts forever." ~Hillsong, Where the Love Lasts Forever.
Those words mean so much to me. I can't even begin to describe ethe feeling of loss and joy I have at the thought of throwing everything that I am and do on Him. It was He that showed me love-true and holy love. It was He that shows me happiness, passion, sadness, comfort, breath, life, light, everything good. My God-He is the great teacher of all that is holy and wise and good. When I find myself attaching myself to the hurt of this world, I am saved by Him. He cleanses my body, spirit, and soul. I praise Him and find a wonderful peace under His wing.
It took my own study to finally get the courage to show God how much I love Him. Through the examples in His word-through David, Job, Moses, too many to mention. What separates me from them? Theologians may argue a countless number of things. But I would have to stand my ground and say to them that the only thing that separates me from the servants in His word is time. Purely time. There is no reason I can't love my God as much as any one of them. They were inspired by Him and they were able to experience Him in very real ways, but I have too. God calls Himself the I AM. Do we know what that means/? The I AM? the I. AM. I AM here. I AM present. I AM watching. I AM LOVING. I cant see how His reference to Himself can only exist in a time that's recorded in His word and no other- only that small segment of time.
What will I think when I meet Him? Will I think, "Yes, this is exactly what I imagined You would be like." Will I think, "Well, I actually was expecting more from You." My soul swells up to tears as I think that I can be so proud to imagine I might just have enough praise, thanksgiving, and love for His glory in my own feeble mind. How can the creation's thoughts ever be enough to imagine to the Creator?? This is why I'm convinced God could not show His glory to a living human being-He is too much to handle!! Why do I waste time while I'm here thinking small thoughts about my big Lord?
Meanwhile, I have the haunting ongoing dilemma-move on from sin or keep it around? When I realize what I'm doing, I just want to nail myself to my bedroom floor-never to move or be seen again. I never want to commit a sin against You! It is better I tie myself up. But no, He does the most amazing, completely irrational, freakily wonderful thing to my heart--through my conviction, he frees me. Takes the nails off of me and picks me up. He gives me courage and strength and then says to me (of all things!), "feed my sheep". Don't You know who You're talking to? Don't You know what I've done? Please, please. Your sheep are safer somewhere else.
I AM bigger than you are.
His grace frees me. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!! Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me! Hide me in the shadow of Your wings! I am Your servant forever!
How does it feel yearning for something you can't or don't have? How does it feel? We can all have Jesus-so I'm not talking about Him. Yearning for something you can't have or don't have-I have found it to be absolutely, without a doubt, the most terrible feeling in the world. What I'm talking about? Anything! Yearning or "loving" that big house, that lifestyle, that talent, that person, that image, those looks, those things, those circumstances, that change of events. "Loving" it so much that it takes all of you and it runs your life. "Loving" it so much that you replace your love for God with it-or worse yet-you never even thought of having love for God like you love those things. What. if. we. did? What if we pursued God the way we pursue that big house, lifestyle, etc.? What if we said to those things, "I love you, but I love God more." I've heard that said to something big before, and it was a lifechanging example. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. Amazing faith worked out for the glory of God and before God. What a transformation that ensued even in me-the meager witness! Arresting that feeling-taking the need for those things out of your heart and replacing them with God is a process. A true transformation that can take years. I believe that He wants to save us from that horrible feeling. I know He knows what the yearning does for us and so He wants us to give it up-put Him first-then He can give us blessings He has for us as His will is worked out (which are much better than what we can ever come up with ourselves-I know this firsthand!). But the hardest part-the giving up-takes faith. I know it does. It takes a broken, seeking heart.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Dear Heavenly Father on High, You sit in Your heavenly realms, and You see me from that holy, holy, holy place. "I want to see Your face, I want to know Your ways. Come to me, Lord. I want to please You. You reward me, and people like me-who honestly and diligently seek you. I want You more than this world. More than my way. Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are higher, Lord." ~Hillsong and me. I surrender myself, all that I am, to You and Your will. I will love You largely. I will imagine Your beautiful holiness and grace as much as my body can hold. O, that I were wind, I would gust at blazing speed to meet You. If I were water, I would search the dry to get to find You, I would rock to praise You. If I were fire, I would flame bright for You to find me. I would reach up high to touch You. If You see me here, dear Lord, know that I cannot wait be in Your midst in that day. I will sing at the top of my voice, I will not find a need to stop singing to You, dear I AM. I will find my being eager to be in Your presence. I will twirl and dance in joy in Your light. I was made to praise You.
Those words mean so much to me. I can't even begin to describe ethe feeling of loss and joy I have at the thought of throwing everything that I am and do on Him. It was He that showed me love-true and holy love. It was He that shows me happiness, passion, sadness, comfort, breath, life, light, everything good. My God-He is the great teacher of all that is holy and wise and good. When I find myself attaching myself to the hurt of this world, I am saved by Him. He cleanses my body, spirit, and soul. I praise Him and find a wonderful peace under His wing.
It took my own study to finally get the courage to show God how much I love Him. Through the examples in His word-through David, Job, Moses, too many to mention. What separates me from them? Theologians may argue a countless number of things. But I would have to stand my ground and say to them that the only thing that separates me from the servants in His word is time. Purely time. There is no reason I can't love my God as much as any one of them. They were inspired by Him and they were able to experience Him in very real ways, but I have too. God calls Himself the I AM. Do we know what that means/? The I AM? the I. AM. I AM here. I AM present. I AM watching. I AM LOVING. I cant see how His reference to Himself can only exist in a time that's recorded in His word and no other- only that small segment of time.
What will I think when I meet Him? Will I think, "Yes, this is exactly what I imagined You would be like." Will I think, "Well, I actually was expecting more from You." My soul swells up to tears as I think that I can be so proud to imagine I might just have enough praise, thanksgiving, and love for His glory in my own feeble mind. How can the creation's thoughts ever be enough to imagine to the Creator?? This is why I'm convinced God could not show His glory to a living human being-He is too much to handle!! Why do I waste time while I'm here thinking small thoughts about my big Lord?
Meanwhile, I have the haunting ongoing dilemma-move on from sin or keep it around? When I realize what I'm doing, I just want to nail myself to my bedroom floor-never to move or be seen again. I never want to commit a sin against You! It is better I tie myself up. But no, He does the most amazing, completely irrational, freakily wonderful thing to my heart--through my conviction, he frees me. Takes the nails off of me and picks me up. He gives me courage and strength and then says to me (of all things!), "feed my sheep". Don't You know who You're talking to? Don't You know what I've done? Please, please. Your sheep are safer somewhere else.
I AM bigger than you are.
His grace frees me. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!! Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me! Hide me in the shadow of Your wings! I am Your servant forever!
How does it feel yearning for something you can't or don't have? How does it feel? We can all have Jesus-so I'm not talking about Him. Yearning for something you can't have or don't have-I have found it to be absolutely, without a doubt, the most terrible feeling in the world. What I'm talking about? Anything! Yearning or "loving" that big house, that lifestyle, that talent, that person, that image, those looks, those things, those circumstances, that change of events. "Loving" it so much that it takes all of you and it runs your life. "Loving" it so much that you replace your love for God with it-or worse yet-you never even thought of having love for God like you love those things. What. if. we. did? What if we pursued God the way we pursue that big house, lifestyle, etc.? What if we said to those things, "I love you, but I love God more." I've heard that said to something big before, and it was a lifechanging example. I'll never forget it for the rest of my life. Amazing faith worked out for the glory of God and before God. What a transformation that ensued even in me-the meager witness! Arresting that feeling-taking the need for those things out of your heart and replacing them with God is a process. A true transformation that can take years. I believe that He wants to save us from that horrible feeling. I know He knows what the yearning does for us and so He wants us to give it up-put Him first-then He can give us blessings He has for us as His will is worked out (which are much better than what we can ever come up with ourselves-I know this firsthand!). But the hardest part-the giving up-takes faith. I know it does. It takes a broken, seeking heart.
What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
Dear Heavenly Father on High, You sit in Your heavenly realms, and You see me from that holy, holy, holy place. "I want to see Your face, I want to know Your ways. Come to me, Lord. I want to please You. You reward me, and people like me-who honestly and diligently seek you. I want You more than this world. More than my way. Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are higher, Lord." ~Hillsong and me. I surrender myself, all that I am, to You and Your will. I will love You largely. I will imagine Your beautiful holiness and grace as much as my body can hold. O, that I were wind, I would gust at blazing speed to meet You. If I were water, I would search the dry to get to find You, I would rock to praise You. If I were fire, I would flame bright for You to find me. I would reach up high to touch You. If You see me here, dear Lord, know that I cannot wait be in Your midst in that day. I will sing at the top of my voice, I will not find a need to stop singing to You, dear I AM. I will find my being eager to be in Your presence. I will twirl and dance in joy in Your light. I was made to praise You.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Above all, love each other deeply
The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Maybe you've heard this, read this, known this much of your Christian walk. Maybe you're reading it tonight and it seems new. However you come to it, I invite you to step up your purpose in the community of Christians that surround you-no matter where you are: church, work, shopping, walking, picking up your kids from daycare.
Recently (in the past two or three years), I've realized that there are believers all around me that believe in the same God that I do. Wow, Julizza, hello! Of course there are. What's the big deal? Well, I don't know about you, but I've been somewhat ashamed/private/not willing to admit that I have that in common with anyone other than my church friends. Why is that? I can't put my finger on it. I guess having a fear of how some of them believe or do things differently in their religion has caused me to feel like we worship separate Gods. Wow. What a tool for Satan. How easy is that for him to feed on? I have since thrown that aside; feeling Jesus-love between all others who love my Lord. "If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever." Not to me be the glory-to Christ be the glory! "Above all, love each other deeply." Who was God talking to when He put this in His word? Wasn't He talking to all of us? That solution sounds too easy. What about all the complications that develop, how do I address those? What if those complications (or even merely the fear of them) are exactly what Satan needs to gain a foothold on me? What if I simply trust God? What if that's what He wants from me? What if love is the way of the Lord? What if that's what He meant when He said that the world will know us by our love (not hate) for one another? Not just the ones who are in our vicinity on Sunday morning. I suppose I'm a dreamer. After all, the ways of the Lord are contrary to this world...
There was once a little girl who was an orphan in the church. She was picked up by door-knocking members of the church and rode the joy bus to school. She got candy when she got off the bus and was dropped off back home. While she was at church, she learned many things. She learned to love God. She learned to love others. She learned to love her parents and listen to what they ask her to do. She learned to love God more than anyone-even her parents. She learned to respect adults, to respect her teachers. She was adopted by families when she was too young to sit alone and they watched her throughout the sermon. She attended children's church and learned a multitude of songs, which she sang while she played alone on the playground at the school down the street. She learned to have faith. She developed a faith so bold that for several years she prayed nightly to God to not allow her to have dreams-good or bad. She was afraid of them. Nightly, God delivered. She awoke with no recollection of dreams from the night each morning. She grew up. She was bused to the church and learned, and bused back home. Wonderful disciples cared for her, invited her to their homes, provided for her family, provided for many of her deepest needs-love, guidance, and care. When she got older, her parents began to be more lenient in telling her she had to go to church. Sometimes it was a downright nuisance. Yet, she continued going because she believed everything she heard-she love God more than she loved her parents. She began wanting more. She wanted friends. She had a few-the children of the disciples that cared for her. But what about everybody else? No, she didn't go to that camp. No, she didn't make it to that devotional. No, she wasn't at that barbecue. No, she didn't know he was having a party. No, she wasn't invited to that get-together. No, she doesn't know them like that. Every Sunday, the now-teenage girl, longing for friendship at a very difficult time in her life, planned her acceptance to the group. Perhaps today the group will sit in the 6th and 7th rows during the sermon. She'll sit on the 6th and the group will sit with her. No, not today. The group is sitting on the 7th and 8th rows. Maybe next Sunday. Next Sunday they surely will sit on the 7th and 8th rows. She'll sit in the middle of the 7th row, perhaps she was blocking the group from coming into the pew by sitting on the end last time. No, not this Sunday. The group sits on the 6th and 7th rows. Perhaps next Sunday she should wait before sitting. Perhaps next Sunday she should go to the bathroom and go into the sermon late and thus know where they will be sitting and can join in. No, the pews are full; it looks like there's no room. Sunday after Sunday, she returns to church. Why? Sunday after Sunday she is missed. Why? "Above all, love each other deeply."
Her story doesn't end there. Her story is more common than we'd like to admit for the church. She doesn't have to be a girl, or an orphan. She just has to be anybody.
We are the church of the living Jesus Christ-Savior, Redeemer, Holy and Glorious in His Heavens and in all His ways-His ways are right, His love unfathomable, His power untouched. He watches our every move and He loves us all. As His people we, I, am called to love...above all else.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Hidden
Well, it has been a very long time since I've written, although I don't easily stop thinking. I wonder how I can write down all the things that I hear and feel through the Spirit, but find my day full from morning til 11 at night. *Sigh* What can give? Plenty. Just need to re-assess!
Recently I have been going through a time of separation from the constant walk I've been accustomed to with God. I have been distracted and it was pointed out to me that my prayers have ceased. When this happens, my body starts to feel tired and my mind becomes cluttered. Recently it got to the point that I had to recognize that my life is not fullfilling anymore-something is wrong-I need to see God. I need to talk to Him. Thankfully, I have realized a place where I can hear God. I go for a jog around the neighborhood. I hope everyone can find a place like this for them. I really know that if I just take the time to take that jog, despite the busyness around me, that I can be found again and God can tell me what He's thinking. I have been praying for gifts of relationships and influence. God has gifted these things to me, except I haven't taken the gift in all seriousness. I have had secrets in my pocket. Like everyone else, I struggle with real sin. It leaves me distracted and pursuing things of this world. During this jog, God asked me where I've been. Why haven't I been praying? He hasn't known me every moment like He has before, and He wants me to realize why. He wants me to sacrifice myself once again and stand convicted before Him. He says to me, "Seek Me." When I've fallen this far and I don't want to go further, I always run back to step one. Praise, praise, praise. I have nothing left in me to offer but praise. In my praise, I am able to humble myself enough to hear the ways He wants me to live. I have found that I cannot help the people He gives me with a secret in my back pocket.
I was at bible class on Tuesday morning, the day after my jog, and the message delivered by Beth Moore that morning simply reinforced this. She pointed out Psalm 19:12-forgive my hidden faults, and in the original Hebrew, "keep me from secrets".
Psalm 19:7-14: The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and ll of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honedycomb. By them your servant is warned; in kepping them there is great reward. But who can discern their own errors? Forgive me my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Those willfull sins were those sins I knew I was stepping into and said, "I'm going to do what I want to do." I didn't feel any consequences from those sins...right away. They are hidden from sight-no one knows. Who doesn't experience that kind of sin? None of us are above it. If we have lived at all, then we have all experienced it. It feels like we may get away with it forever. Satan loves hidden things. He loves darkness. He's drawn to them and he's a great deceiver-he want us to trust him. When we do, we go through with it, and then he betrays us. Then our lives fall apart, our relationships are shattered, and we realize we've been betrayed. Some of us may never realize it and blame it all on God! Without a relationship with God, it seems like the easiest thing to do; you have no guage for what the best life is. You assume you're always meant to live the "so-so" life. Well, no, you're not. God brings joy-even through trials. Yet some of us who have known Him, let Him into us, will turn and realize God has been seeking us out the entire time. We didn't heed the warnings along the way, and He was there-waiting, patiently waiting, for us to seek Him too. He's not hard to find once you get there.
So then, with all this said, I have a decision to make. I have to decide between my secrets and my God. I have to decide to put aside any distraction (even if it's my children, my photography, my husband, my house, my things, my music) and set my eyes on His will for me. If I keep my secrets, He can't use me. It's that simple--for me. My spirit is too far in tune with Him to allow the darkness to be set before His holiness. I am His. Are those strangers worth it? Are they friends or aren't they? How much can I love them? Can I love them more than my secrets? Yes, I can. Will I? Yes, I will.
Recently I have been going through a time of separation from the constant walk I've been accustomed to with God. I have been distracted and it was pointed out to me that my prayers have ceased. When this happens, my body starts to feel tired and my mind becomes cluttered. Recently it got to the point that I had to recognize that my life is not fullfilling anymore-something is wrong-I need to see God. I need to talk to Him. Thankfully, I have realized a place where I can hear God. I go for a jog around the neighborhood. I hope everyone can find a place like this for them. I really know that if I just take the time to take that jog, despite the busyness around me, that I can be found again and God can tell me what He's thinking. I have been praying for gifts of relationships and influence. God has gifted these things to me, except I haven't taken the gift in all seriousness. I have had secrets in my pocket. Like everyone else, I struggle with real sin. It leaves me distracted and pursuing things of this world. During this jog, God asked me where I've been. Why haven't I been praying? He hasn't known me every moment like He has before, and He wants me to realize why. He wants me to sacrifice myself once again and stand convicted before Him. He says to me, "Seek Me." When I've fallen this far and I don't want to go further, I always run back to step one. Praise, praise, praise. I have nothing left in me to offer but praise. In my praise, I am able to humble myself enough to hear the ways He wants me to live. I have found that I cannot help the people He gives me with a secret in my back pocket.
I was at bible class on Tuesday morning, the day after my jog, and the message delivered by Beth Moore that morning simply reinforced this. She pointed out Psalm 19:12-forgive my hidden faults, and in the original Hebrew, "keep me from secrets".
Psalm 19:7-14: The law of the Lord is perfect, refreshing the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and ll of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honedycomb. By them your servant is warned; in kepping them there is great reward. But who can discern their own errors? Forgive me my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Those willfull sins were those sins I knew I was stepping into and said, "I'm going to do what I want to do." I didn't feel any consequences from those sins...right away. They are hidden from sight-no one knows. Who doesn't experience that kind of sin? None of us are above it. If we have lived at all, then we have all experienced it. It feels like we may get away with it forever. Satan loves hidden things. He loves darkness. He's drawn to them and he's a great deceiver-he want us to trust him. When we do, we go through with it, and then he betrays us. Then our lives fall apart, our relationships are shattered, and we realize we've been betrayed. Some of us may never realize it and blame it all on God! Without a relationship with God, it seems like the easiest thing to do; you have no guage for what the best life is. You assume you're always meant to live the "so-so" life. Well, no, you're not. God brings joy-even through trials. Yet some of us who have known Him, let Him into us, will turn and realize God has been seeking us out the entire time. We didn't heed the warnings along the way, and He was there-waiting, patiently waiting, for us to seek Him too. He's not hard to find once you get there.
So then, with all this said, I have a decision to make. I have to decide between my secrets and my God. I have to decide to put aside any distraction (even if it's my children, my photography, my husband, my house, my things, my music) and set my eyes on His will for me. If I keep my secrets, He can't use me. It's that simple--for me. My spirit is too far in tune with Him to allow the darkness to be set before His holiness. I am His. Are those strangers worth it? Are they friends or aren't they? How much can I love them? Can I love them more than my secrets? Yes, I can. Will I? Yes, I will.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Legacy
I'm behind on my blogs; I actually hit a hard wall for a few weeks and prayed and prayed for inspiration. It hasn't helped that I have been in a valley for a little over a week, maybe two. Even with my wall, God has been faithful and I've been blessed to have many opportunities of spiritual significance come my way. My spiritual "territory" was expanded and the opportunity to give God the glory for where my life is now was created. How good is God!
In my prayers for inspirations, I was seeking a word from the Lord about the legacy I want to be. My parents and their words of wisdom for me have created in me a desire and need to uplift their legacy in me to a height that cannot be denied. My mother continues to be on her faith journey and it has challenged me to get to know God better and pray that her journey be blessed. My father's words from when he was alive still speak to me and his desire for my life is still so clear in my heart. I want to be a legacy for my father in such a way that will bring him honor before the Lord when we stand next to each other one day in heaven. I want God to say to my father, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Then I want God to turn to my mother and me and say the same. This is the legacy I speak of. I want my life to uplift Jesus and reflect the love of God so that it cannot be missed and I want to make it so known to God that it was the seeds of my parents that were planted in me that spurred me on. His servants, my parents, did well.
I'm not exactly sure where this desire comes from and why it is so strong. I have prayed for and asked to feel the Spirit in it. I have looked and searched for a biblical reference, but alas, I could find none. Do you know the word "legacy" is nowhere in the bible (at least not in the NIV and the KJV only uses it once in Prov 3:5 The wise shall inherit glory, But shame shall be the legacy of fools)? There is no biblical reference that I could find that showed the son or daughter of a person becoming what they are in life because of the legacy created by their parents. I don't know about you, but that seemed so strange. Some synonyms were used often: inheritance, heritage, birthright. But these words are used in reference to real things--riches and land--even in the New Testament. Our legacy from Christ is riches in heaven that will not fade away. But what about character traits? Can I be a benefactor of faith? Can I inherit spirituality? Belief?
Thus enter the wall. For as I read my bible a few weeks ago, I remember hearing about a family of a very important character. The story talked about how he would inherit the faith of his ancestors. That was good news to me because as I think about the history of my father and mother, their families, and my ancestors, I can remember the stories of immense faith and belief in the unseen, the untouchable. They believed that God would provide them with a way, with food, with their daily needs. I know my father gave the credit to God for how he was able to provide for our family of 12. My mother gives credit to God for being able to take care of us all, many times alone. So when I read this story I thought, "Wow. That's great news. Now I know why I am the way I am--I've inherited faith." The problem is that when I went back to write this blog and pull the reference it was no longer there; I looked up everywhere I had been reading (I skip around at a lot). God hid it from me. I struggled with that, but I accepted it. I thought perhaps it's more complicated than what I'm trying to make it into. God has more for me to learn. He's not through with me yet.
I still haven't found that instance, that passage, that family. I'm ok--if it's there, then I'll find it again or someone reading this will send it to me. But what I learned from God through this was so profound that I am glad He hid it from me--He always has a plan and He knows I am teachable and I will continue to search. My true desire was to be able to tell others, "I have an inheritance of faith from my parents." God's response to that was, "What then of those who don't? Does it mean that they cannot have faith? How does that make them feel?" God and faith is open to all--inheritance or not. I also wanted to say, "God, my parents passed this down to me, please bless them and know that they shaped me well; they've done a good job with me." His response to me was, "Julizza, your faith is yours. You have chosen to believe. You have chosen to believe that I walk beside you, that I see you. Not everyone chooses to believe. Take credit for that belief." I don't like taking credit. Many times, I want someone else to get the credit. This trait of mine can be good and bad. God told me it is ok to take credit for my own faith and for the belief I have in Him. The truth he had for me hit me between the eyes. Can you recognize truth when you hear it? It doesn't always come from us (definitely not me). He is real.
So I was a little embarrassed. Here I thought I was doing something good, giving my parents all the credit. Here God uses me to teach me some truth along the way. I still am a legacy and I am still who I am because of the seeds they planted, so yes, they get a lot of the credit. But not totally. God says my belief is mine.
My father used to say to me, "Julizza, you have inherited strong genes. The Gomez family is strong in health. We don't get sickly, we don't get cancers, you'll never have to worry about your weight. You will be healthy all of your life. Always remember that--you have strong blood."
Well, I not only have strong blood, but I have strong faith. The Gomez/Holub family is strong in faith, in belief.
To my children, in whom I am trying so hard to instill a faith and zest for God: I, your mom, have strong faith. I truly believe that God works beside you and watches over you just because I ask Him to. I believe I talk to Jesus, I walk with God. I've changed God's mind before. I've asked Jesus to put on some shorts and running shoes; that robe and those sandals look funny and besides--we're jogging. You will be a legacy to me, and I pray that the faith you have one day will be from the seeds I have planted in you. I pray for you and I smile when I think about you. I picture the Creator with His canvas when He painted you. I know you are God's son and daughter, and I have been asked to take care of you for this short while and love you as much as I possibly can. You have strong blood. I pray that your legacy be one of faith and seeking, and may you choose to believe...and take credit for it.
Revelation 4:
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings.
Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever.
They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”
Thank you, God, for creating me. Thank you for the way I was made. I was made to bring You glory and honor and praise. You are holy, holy, holy dear Lord. You are my friend. You are my everlasting love. I want to breathe you into my whole body. My lungs cannot contain your breath; every air you inspire. Your wind and sweetness is too much for my humanity to bear. I look forward to the day that I can dwell in your holy presence; being filled with your light in the new body you have given me that can feel and breathe and has no limits to feeling your glory. You are my portion and my ultimate desire. Take a look at your servant, dear God. I am in love with You. ~jh
In my prayers for inspirations, I was seeking a word from the Lord about the legacy I want to be. My parents and their words of wisdom for me have created in me a desire and need to uplift their legacy in me to a height that cannot be denied. My mother continues to be on her faith journey and it has challenged me to get to know God better and pray that her journey be blessed. My father's words from when he was alive still speak to me and his desire for my life is still so clear in my heart. I want to be a legacy for my father in such a way that will bring him honor before the Lord when we stand next to each other one day in heaven. I want God to say to my father, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Then I want God to turn to my mother and me and say the same. This is the legacy I speak of. I want my life to uplift Jesus and reflect the love of God so that it cannot be missed and I want to make it so known to God that it was the seeds of my parents that were planted in me that spurred me on. His servants, my parents, did well.
I'm not exactly sure where this desire comes from and why it is so strong. I have prayed for and asked to feel the Spirit in it. I have looked and searched for a biblical reference, but alas, I could find none. Do you know the word "legacy" is nowhere in the bible (at least not in the NIV and the KJV only uses it once in Prov 3:5 The wise shall inherit glory, But shame shall be the legacy of fools)? There is no biblical reference that I could find that showed the son or daughter of a person becoming what they are in life because of the legacy created by their parents. I don't know about you, but that seemed so strange. Some synonyms were used often: inheritance, heritage, birthright. But these words are used in reference to real things--riches and land--even in the New Testament. Our legacy from Christ is riches in heaven that will not fade away. But what about character traits? Can I be a benefactor of faith? Can I inherit spirituality? Belief?
Thus enter the wall. For as I read my bible a few weeks ago, I remember hearing about a family of a very important character. The story talked about how he would inherit the faith of his ancestors. That was good news to me because as I think about the history of my father and mother, their families, and my ancestors, I can remember the stories of immense faith and belief in the unseen, the untouchable. They believed that God would provide them with a way, with food, with their daily needs. I know my father gave the credit to God for how he was able to provide for our family of 12. My mother gives credit to God for being able to take care of us all, many times alone. So when I read this story I thought, "Wow. That's great news. Now I know why I am the way I am--I've inherited faith." The problem is that when I went back to write this blog and pull the reference it was no longer there; I looked up everywhere I had been reading (I skip around at a lot). God hid it from me. I struggled with that, but I accepted it. I thought perhaps it's more complicated than what I'm trying to make it into. God has more for me to learn. He's not through with me yet.
I still haven't found that instance, that passage, that family. I'm ok--if it's there, then I'll find it again or someone reading this will send it to me. But what I learned from God through this was so profound that I am glad He hid it from me--He always has a plan and He knows I am teachable and I will continue to search. My true desire was to be able to tell others, "I have an inheritance of faith from my parents." God's response to that was, "What then of those who don't? Does it mean that they cannot have faith? How does that make them feel?" God and faith is open to all--inheritance or not. I also wanted to say, "God, my parents passed this down to me, please bless them and know that they shaped me well; they've done a good job with me." His response to me was, "Julizza, your faith is yours. You have chosen to believe. You have chosen to believe that I walk beside you, that I see you. Not everyone chooses to believe. Take credit for that belief." I don't like taking credit. Many times, I want someone else to get the credit. This trait of mine can be good and bad. God told me it is ok to take credit for my own faith and for the belief I have in Him. The truth he had for me hit me between the eyes. Can you recognize truth when you hear it? It doesn't always come from us (definitely not me). He is real.
So I was a little embarrassed. Here I thought I was doing something good, giving my parents all the credit. Here God uses me to teach me some truth along the way. I still am a legacy and I am still who I am because of the seeds they planted, so yes, they get a lot of the credit. But not totally. God says my belief is mine.
My father used to say to me, "Julizza, you have inherited strong genes. The Gomez family is strong in health. We don't get sickly, we don't get cancers, you'll never have to worry about your weight. You will be healthy all of your life. Always remember that--you have strong blood."
Well, I not only have strong blood, but I have strong faith. The Gomez/Holub family is strong in faith, in belief.
To my children, in whom I am trying so hard to instill a faith and zest for God: I, your mom, have strong faith. I truly believe that God works beside you and watches over you just because I ask Him to. I believe I talk to Jesus, I walk with God. I've changed God's mind before. I've asked Jesus to put on some shorts and running shoes; that robe and those sandals look funny and besides--we're jogging. You will be a legacy to me, and I pray that the faith you have one day will be from the seeds I have planted in you. I pray for you and I smile when I think about you. I picture the Creator with His canvas when He painted you. I know you are God's son and daughter, and I have been asked to take care of you for this short while and love you as much as I possibly can. You have strong blood. I pray that your legacy be one of faith and seeking, and may you choose to believe...and take credit for it.
Revelation 4:
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings.
Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.”
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever.
They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being.”
Thank you, God, for creating me. Thank you for the way I was made. I was made to bring You glory and honor and praise. You are holy, holy, holy dear Lord. You are my friend. You are my everlasting love. I want to breathe you into my whole body. My lungs cannot contain your breath; every air you inspire. Your wind and sweetness is too much for my humanity to bear. I look forward to the day that I can dwell in your holy presence; being filled with your light in the new body you have given me that can feel and breathe and has no limits to feeling your glory. You are my portion and my ultimate desire. Take a look at your servant, dear God. I am in love with You. ~jh
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Endurance, Tenacity, Fear?
I find that my time with God has become a very precious thing to me now. It wasn't always like that. I used to really shy away from it...I suppose the fear of self-reflecting was too great.
Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.
I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?
In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?
It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!
Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.
Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."
How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.
May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!
Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.
I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?
In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?
It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!
Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.
Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."
How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.
May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Women Encouraging Women: A Father's Touch
I was incredibly honored to have been asked to speak at Women Encouraging Women on Tuesday night. The experience was awesome and I felt utterly blessed by everyone I spoke to. I was so nervous!
The theme of the night was "Fingerprints of God". The women who organized the evening had asked women from our church to submit photographs through which they had seen the fingerprints of God. When I received the email about the theme, I was ecstatic!! This is my element! I can do this! I told my Mama Cindy and she said, "I say you find out if there's a limit of how many pictures you can submit and then ignore it." It was hilarious. Later the same day, I received an email from the women's minister at my church to see if I would speak at it. Whaaat?? Are you serious? I prayed about it (nerves in hand), and felt a resounding "Yes!" from the Lord on my run that day. Awesome!
For the next few weeks, God would begin feeding me lessons and opening my eyes to the things I've learned on my journey in the past 4 years. It has been an amazing one! I have exercised my faith in a number of ways and the Spirit has rested in me and has a warm, comfy nest! After each new revelation, I would write down what He showed me, and it became exciting. As the days rolled by, the emphasis of my talk changed several times. It was funny how I thought I knew what I would say the moment I said yes-I thought I would talk about photography, of course! Why not? That's what I do, it's my gift! Well, God had other plans.
God kept putting before me this amazing gift He had sent me in my spiritual father, Daryl. Daryl was a blessing I never saw coming. I am still amazed at God's goodness through this blessing!
Well, here is my scripted talk. You should know that it was not the same at the actual event--I'm a teacher. I never go by the script...and I had about 10 minutes ;)
Cindy and I had a lot of great talks before and after the event. I was soooo glad to have her there. She truly is an amazing woman! I appreciate that she takes my sometimes radical questions, ideas, and statements and attempts to understand what I'm trying to say. She validates my feelings. Thank you, mama Cindy!
I know God was able to use me after what I heard from different people that night and it just astounds me still that the little poor girl from Victoria, Texas can impact anyone. I am humbled. God is SO good!
The theme of the night was "Fingerprints of God". The women who organized the evening had asked women from our church to submit photographs through which they had seen the fingerprints of God. When I received the email about the theme, I was ecstatic!! This is my element! I can do this! I told my Mama Cindy and she said, "I say you find out if there's a limit of how many pictures you can submit and then ignore it." It was hilarious. Later the same day, I received an email from the women's minister at my church to see if I would speak at it. Whaaat?? Are you serious? I prayed about it (nerves in hand), and felt a resounding "Yes!" from the Lord on my run that day. Awesome!
For the next few weeks, God would begin feeding me lessons and opening my eyes to the things I've learned on my journey in the past 4 years. It has been an amazing one! I have exercised my faith in a number of ways and the Spirit has rested in me and has a warm, comfy nest! After each new revelation, I would write down what He showed me, and it became exciting. As the days rolled by, the emphasis of my talk changed several times. It was funny how I thought I knew what I would say the moment I said yes-I thought I would talk about photography, of course! Why not? That's what I do, it's my gift! Well, God had other plans.
God kept putting before me this amazing gift He had sent me in my spiritual father, Daryl. Daryl was a blessing I never saw coming. I am still amazed at God's goodness through this blessing!
Well, here is my scripted talk. You should know that it was not the same at the actual event--I'm a teacher. I never go by the script...and I had about 10 minutes ;)
A little background about me: I'm from Victoria, Texas and I come from a family of 12 siblings. I was blessed with the experience of growing up in poverty. Most people would look at that and say it could never be a blessing, but indeed it was. I didn't feel that way while I was in it, but it has truly affected what I teach my kids. God took care of my every need and I was raised by the church! I am a product of the bus ministry. I rode the bus from when I was 5 to about senior year or so in high school. I had people come to my home to pick me up to go to church. Have you ever wondered what would become of the Impact kids you take shopping? Well here you have one before you. Your work is valuable. Be in their face with your support. Don’t stay in your neighborhood-visit their church (and I’m talking to me as well!)
As a child in poverty, you learn many tough lessons fast. You learn that your parents cannot provide. You learn to go without. You learn to look for help…you stay humble in many ways. My father provided countless life lessons to me (as did my mother), and one of those was the tenacity to pursue God. So many holes to fill in here, but my father was an honorable man.
When he passed away in 2007, it was like someone had cut the chain that kept me grounded. Just like that, I felt like I was floating away. Who would teach me the rest of what I needed to know? I was upset and soo soo sad—it was too early for me to lose him. He still had so much to show me and now he couldn’t. When he died, he asked forgiveness from everyone he had come in contact with. Tenacity. In his last breaths he told my sister, “Don’t leave me.” He was scared. Then a short time later he said, “I’m not scared anymore.” Tenacity. He pursued God even in his last breath.
Without realizing what was going on, I started to rebel. No father means no conscience. I began to make bad decisions and ultimately turned my back on God. Harvey and I nearly got a divorce. For about 2 years we struggled and I went to church every Sunday. Gerald Bendele knew I was struggling and he worked to help me.
Ultimately, to pull me out of the darkness, God first showed me grace, then gave me discipline. These things together created who I am right now. I accepted the grace, accepted the discipline (and even fought it!), I humbled myself, worked on removing gods I had created in that time period and began to seek Him out.
Now I am still working. I will never stop working to know God! He has blessed me with riches beyond measure in return. He has blessed me with a photographic eye, a wonderful family, and now with a wonderful spiritual father and mother. He knew what I needed more than I did, and he knew I needed someone to help me steer this spiritual ship so he sent Daryl and Cindy. The torch has been passed. I have been gifted a father. How amazing! It just so happened that Cindy and Daryl were members of the church of Christ at Jersey Village. I met Cindy through work. I didn't expect at that time that she would become such an integral part of my life. Daryl has the annointing of an elder in the church. It has been so easy for me to transition into this trusting relationship because as a young girl, I would watch these men come to my home and support us. You go to the poverty stricken homes, you bring them presents at Christmas, you bring them food...I was used to the support. These men were father figures to me all of my life. They still are. Daryl is exactly what I needed and God granted him to me.
My spiritual father and my daughter
Our spiritual family (this is what the church is about)
Get to know our God who is father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.) God’s plan for our elders was to be our earthly fathers. Why does he refer to himself as father? It is the most molding relationship there is in the family dynamic. He is our father and he has appointed fathers for us on earth. (Acts 20:28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.) Acts 20:28 talks about how the Holy Spirit has made the elder what he is-an overseer. The relationships these men have with the people in the church are a very sacred and spiritual thing; they are not man-made. God creates in him the spirit of an overseer and as such he knows the work of God. I don't know where you are in terms of your relationship with your own father. Perhaps you have lost your father like I have. What I believe God intended for these men was to be your earthly spiritual father as you grow. If you need one, that's what they're there for; that is their calling.
Another thing I was taught and learned was that I must love God more than I love my husband. I love God more than anything. You need to love God more than you love your husbands. Your love for your husband will vary from day to day (You've got to know that). Wives have been trying to get their husbands to love them, but they are going about it the wrong way. You must love God more than you love your husband and in turn he must love God more than he loves you. I asked Harvey to do this a couple years after our near-divorce. I know that he needs that stability in his life. Loving God more than me will bring him joy and actually open his heart for me. If Harvey doesn't love me, my God will create love from nothing since He created the world and all of humanity out of nothing. If Harvey does already love me, then how much more so will God create love in Harvey's heart for me? Our God is also a God of openness. His ways are counter-intuitive. He doesn’t work the way you think. You think purposely loving God more will make you love your husband less. I am here before you as a witness to God’s plan to say that is far from the truth. I love my husband more now that I place God as the joy of my life. If I didn’t decide to do that, then what is faith? Think on that.
Don’t put your husband in an impossible position. Don’t idolize him. He will fail.
Get to know our God who gives sight to the blind not only physically, but spiritually! He breaks through the barriers of darkness and gives sight. Take the blinders off and open the shades of your spirit. Drink in the Lord and see that He is good.
God not only gives sight to the blind physically but goes farther even to the point to where those that are physically blind can still see His goodness. He works where our humanity believes there is no work and His hands not only work, but create beauty in that place. Even if you are physically able to see, you can still be blind spiritually. If you love God more than anything and you can see what I have seen, He will open your eyes to His beauty and you will see His fingerprints everywhere.
As a child in poverty, you learn many tough lessons fast. You learn that your parents cannot provide. You learn to go without. You learn to look for help…you stay humble in many ways. My father provided countless life lessons to me (as did my mother), and one of those was the tenacity to pursue God. So many holes to fill in here, but my father was an honorable man.
When he passed away in 2007, it was like someone had cut the chain that kept me grounded. Just like that, I felt like I was floating away. Who would teach me the rest of what I needed to know? I was upset and soo soo sad—it was too early for me to lose him. He still had so much to show me and now he couldn’t. When he died, he asked forgiveness from everyone he had come in contact with. Tenacity. In his last breaths he told my sister, “Don’t leave me.” He was scared. Then a short time later he said, “I’m not scared anymore.” Tenacity. He pursued God even in his last breath.
Without realizing what was going on, I started to rebel. No father means no conscience. I began to make bad decisions and ultimately turned my back on God. Harvey and I nearly got a divorce. For about 2 years we struggled and I went to church every Sunday. Gerald Bendele knew I was struggling and he worked to help me.
Ultimately, to pull me out of the darkness, God first showed me grace, then gave me discipline. These things together created who I am right now. I accepted the grace, accepted the discipline (and even fought it!), I humbled myself, worked on removing gods I had created in that time period and began to seek Him out.
Now I am still working. I will never stop working to know God! He has blessed me with riches beyond measure in return. He has blessed me with a photographic eye, a wonderful family, and now with a wonderful spiritual father and mother. He knew what I needed more than I did, and he knew I needed someone to help me steer this spiritual ship so he sent Daryl and Cindy. The torch has been passed. I have been gifted a father. How amazing! It just so happened that Cindy and Daryl were members of the church of Christ at Jersey Village. I met Cindy through work. I didn't expect at that time that she would become such an integral part of my life. Daryl has the annointing of an elder in the church. It has been so easy for me to transition into this trusting relationship because as a young girl, I would watch these men come to my home and support us. You go to the poverty stricken homes, you bring them presents at Christmas, you bring them food...I was used to the support. These men were father figures to me all of my life. They still are. Daryl is exactly what I needed and God granted him to me.
My spiritual father and my daughter
Our spiritual family (this is what the church is about)
Get to know our God who is father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.) God’s plan for our elders was to be our earthly fathers. Why does he refer to himself as father? It is the most molding relationship there is in the family dynamic. He is our father and he has appointed fathers for us on earth. (Acts 20:28 Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood.) Acts 20:28 talks about how the Holy Spirit has made the elder what he is-an overseer. The relationships these men have with the people in the church are a very sacred and spiritual thing; they are not man-made. God creates in him the spirit of an overseer and as such he knows the work of God. I don't know where you are in terms of your relationship with your own father. Perhaps you have lost your father like I have. What I believe God intended for these men was to be your earthly spiritual father as you grow. If you need one, that's what they're there for; that is their calling.
Another thing I was taught and learned was that I must love God more than I love my husband. I love God more than anything. You need to love God more than you love your husbands. Your love for your husband will vary from day to day (You've got to know that). Wives have been trying to get their husbands to love them, but they are going about it the wrong way. You must love God more than you love your husband and in turn he must love God more than he loves you. I asked Harvey to do this a couple years after our near-divorce. I know that he needs that stability in his life. Loving God more than me will bring him joy and actually open his heart for me. If Harvey doesn't love me, my God will create love from nothing since He created the world and all of humanity out of nothing. If Harvey does already love me, then how much more so will God create love in Harvey's heart for me? Our God is also a God of openness. His ways are counter-intuitive. He doesn’t work the way you think. You think purposely loving God more will make you love your husband less. I am here before you as a witness to God’s plan to say that is far from the truth. I love my husband more now that I place God as the joy of my life. If I didn’t decide to do that, then what is faith? Think on that.
Don’t put your husband in an impossible position. Don’t idolize him. He will fail.
Get to know our God who gives sight to the blind not only physically, but spiritually! He breaks through the barriers of darkness and gives sight. Take the blinders off and open the shades of your spirit. Drink in the Lord and see that He is good.
God not only gives sight to the blind physically but goes farther even to the point to where those that are physically blind can still see His goodness. He works where our humanity believes there is no work and His hands not only work, but create beauty in that place. Even if you are physically able to see, you can still be blind spiritually. If you love God more than anything and you can see what I have seen, He will open your eyes to His beauty and you will see His fingerprints everywhere.
Cindy and I had a lot of great talks before and after the event. I was soooo glad to have her there. She truly is an amazing woman! I appreciate that she takes my sometimes radical questions, ideas, and statements and attempts to understand what I'm trying to say. She validates my feelings. Thank you, mama Cindy!
I know God was able to use me after what I heard from different people that night and it just astounds me still that the little poor girl from Victoria, Texas can impact anyone. I am humbled. God is SO good!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I Am Sufficient
Rick was referencing I Kings 17:1-4 where Elijah was fed by the ravens:
Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, “As the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.”
Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.
So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.
Then the word of the LORD came to Elijah: “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.
So he did what the LORD had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.
One morning as I drove my kids to school, I was struggling with my decision to be a full-time photographer. Much of my struggle had to do with what my calling was (right vs. wrong); the rest of it was how to deal with the uncertainty that comes with losing a steady job. If you have heard God's voice, you will know that God says exactly what is needed in very few words. If your heart is connected with His, then the wisdom comes flowing after; sometimes a long time after! This morning wasn't very different from the mornings before it or since it. I was driving my kids to school and we were listening to Hillsong. As I drove, I also was contemplating and praying about my decision. I most wanted to please God with my decision and not do anything out of vain conceit and definitely not to separate myself from His presence.
My struggle was fueled by fear. I was afraid I might choose the "wrong" way, so I was pleading with God to shut a door and make the decision for me. Both doors were open-one was a nice offer at a wonderful school with a great position, the other was a chance to come home and raise my son and enjoy motherhood, volunteering, and photography. "Please, God, help me make the right decision." In the back of my mind, I was struggling with the latter decision of staying home not being sufficient enough to provide for my family. While a song played, I felt God's presence and I heard Him whisper, "I Am Sufficient."
"You are sufficient?" Tears welled up in my eyes. With those words sinking in, the floodgates of wisdom came rolling through my heart. With the one statement came release, discovery, understanding, and faith.
Release: There was no right or wrong way here. Both were completely acceptable to God! He knew my heart-I would give Him glory wherever I was, whatever I chose. I was free to do what I wanted. This release may seem trivial, even obvious to you, but for someone like me, it was such an incredible realization.
Discovery: The path is not completely carved out. God has a plan for me and will work through me, but I get to pick the journey. Amazing!
Understanding: He was able to share that I need not worry about my predicaments on earth. He loves me enough to let me know He is sufficient in all things.
Faith: God is ready to provide for me and I need to have faith! I need to believe He will provide. He is sufficient for my every day life and my eternal life. All I need is Him!! I needed to believe that He would be sufficient and He would be. If there came a moment where I didn't believe He was, then that would be the same moment where I would lose my faith. My faith has gotten stronger in hearing Him say He is sufficient-He knew it was I needed to hear.
Can you believe this amazing journey we as Christians have decided to go on? Can you believe we have chosen to believe in something bigger than us and that we will one day join it? How can I say that I am a Christian, I believe in God and His son Jesus, in His creation of this world and heaven, that I will one day join Him in the skies...and I can't believe that He will provide for me on this earth? What is easier to believe? Heaven exists or God will provide? He is sufficient. Believe them both will equal zeal or believe in neither one. I have chosen both!
So then soon after, my God has provided another set of parents for me (and grandparents for my children). I did NOT see that coming. God knows me better than I know myself. He knew that I have been needing someone to call father here on earth and He sent me one. Not to replace, but to help me steer this faith ship...and he has. Daddy Daryl and Momma Cindy have done just that. Since then, God has given me a zest for sharing, a zeal for learning, a thirst for His word. He has given me jobs, weddings, finances, and health. He keeps sending me purple jars. He allows me to dream. He understands where I need Him most-and He provides. I look to Yahweh for it all; even my son's temper tantrums! He hears my plea for help when I am weak, even when I'm not pleading on the outside. He misses me and is jealous for me. He convicts me and seeks me.
God doesn't supply it all at one time...He provides enough for THAT day. That is enough for me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
167
167 = (24*7) - 1.
I love math, so I appreciate it shown that way...except maybe some people are not as nerdy as me. 167 is the number of hours in a week, minus one. Our sermon today spoke about how you can worship God during the 167 hours of the week that you're not in worship on Sunday. Well, this blog was started based on that premise...in between Sundays...so it is fitting!
I've neglected posting much since I myself am a very busy 167-hour person! I recently began a new phase in life where I am self-employed; I am now a full-time photographer! By recently, I mean two days ago! I realize the possibility of self-employment being an even busier life, but I also know that I can set my own hours. I've complained (even on this blog) that work used to get in the way of my time with God, so now I can prove to myself that I really meant that! That is my challenge to myself. :)
Well, with the definition that I had set for this blog, I really shouldn't be blogging on Sundays. Haha. What a ridiculous notion!! Sundays are a great time to reflect! I'm going to adopt this 167 mindset; and this blog will become an "anytime" blog...err...other than Sunday morning worship. It would be a little difficult to blog during Sunday morning worship, but I think the rest of the week is more than enough time (although I have been known to tweet and/or facebook messages and revelations during the sermons.. @julizzaholub.. LOL)!
My minister (we'll call him Rick McCall--haha!) threw out some of our daily routines and challenged us to look for opportunities in which we can worship God in those routines. It seems silly sometimes, but I will tell you that worshipping God during these routines is challenging and first, but once your faith grows stronger, it is amazingly fulfilling. As Rick mentioned, it really has prepared me for an even greater worship experience on Sunday morning. Here are some things that I have done; I want to give you a glimpse of what it can be like for you! Please feel free to comment and add your own experiences and your own challenges!
In the car: I worship in the car by definitely listening to Christian music...KSBJ radio as well as other artists to be exact. Mercy Me, David Crowder Band, Tenth Avenue North, Hillsong, Aaron Shust, Brandon Heath, Britt Nicole, Casting Crowns, Chris Tomlin, Jars of Clay, JJ Heller, Kutless, Mike's Chair, Need to Breathe, Nichole Nordeman, and Switchfoot are in my music library. If you're just starting to compile a music library that you can worship along with, this is definitely a good start! They love God through music-plain and simple. I love listening to Mike Donehey from Tenth Avenue North; he has put out some videos and reflections about his walk with God that are very encouraging. I have learned so much from these present-day psalms; they have helped me remember and love God even when I felt I didn't have the strength-when my world is shaking. In addition to worshipping through music while driving, I pray. Many times it's about the people and happenings in my life, but I have also taken it to a deeper level. I started to look inside the cars--to the strangers. I try to see traffic not as cars and machinery, but as people. I may see a young woman in the driver's seat. I try to imagine what her life is like. I pray that God watch over her in her day that day. She takes her left turn past me, and then I move on to the next one. What could that person be dealing with? What problems might they have? The prayers are just thoughts. When you are plugged into God and His work, you don't have to start with "Dear God"..for each prayer. It's continuous. Just look at their faces and think of them. Imagine their troubles, their ailments, their families, their jobs and have empathy in your heart. This too is prayer. All of your thoughts will get to God. They may never know you are praying for them, but GOD knows and it will feed your soul spiritually! By the time you get to work, your spiritual tank will be full and you can outpour into others all day long. Think of prayer not only as a place to be served, but also to serve. Two ways to pray: your prayers can go out from your spirit or the practice of prayer can replete you. When you pray for someone you don't know and don't have connection with, it is actually food for your spirit. Praying for someone you know and connect with is an outpouring...it comes from your spirit, so you're actually expelling love. If all you do is one and not the other, then you have an unequal balance. By practicing both, both types of prayers will become stronger as well as your faith! Ok, so prayer and worship while driving. How many hours are we down to? :)
At work: When I am at work, I'm am (in the best case scenario) spiritually full. Sometimes I pray in the parking lot or while nearing my job over something I know is going to happen that day--a meeting, an assignment, a task. It doesn't have to be a difficult situation...just a situation that exists! If I know it is going to be difficult, I'll definitely pray for the spirit of peace and confidence, and the right words. Mostly, I'll pray for all that I do be sealed with His name. I know a song that says "I want to sign Your name on the end of my day." So it will say, "Met with Brittney. ~God". Not saying that I AM God, just saying that since He is in me, He made an appearance. Don't get me wrong...I am in no way perfect and I wish that were my attitude all of the time, but I am just like any human. I forget. I let myself slip. As my faith has gotten stronger, it is easier to remember. You will get stronger too. When there's a negative conversation going on, ignore it or slip away. Once you're gone, pray over the situation. Pray for the people being negative. You don't have to be the positive nuisance all the time--just let it go. When people come to realize that you are who you are in Christ, it will be easier to interject positivity and have it accepted by the group. Honestly, sometimes you will find that saying nothing can be just as powerful. Work is about 40 hours per week...so we're down to...
At home: We pray at meals. We pray for each other. Rio prays for me when she sees I'm having difficulty with Lathan. We hardly ever watch anything other than movies and sports. We surround ourselves with our Lifegroup friends. Cindy and Daryl have adopted our family as their own-such a sweet blessing! We spend time with them. We were at their house last Saturday and we were sharing a story about how Rio was trying to tell her friends at school that they should love Jesus more than Justin B. Her friends did not like being told that. They told her "There's no rule! You can't tell us to love Jesus more." Rio said they were smart alec to her (We helped her with her faith journey in speaking truth to people through this opportunity. Love always!) She described her friends as "Justin B people". Then she added, "Our family's not like that. It's like we're a God-family." What a great testimony! It did my heart good to hear that! Lovely. How many hours now?
8*5 + .5*10 + 7*7 = 94
40 hours of work, plus about 30 minutes of drive time (both ways), plus 7 hours of sleep each day (who really gets 8??) equals 94.
167 - 94 = 73
Home is about 73 hours, give or take 50 or so...haha! Any way you split it, you can worship God any time of day.
As he closed, Rick mentioned instincts. The baby whale, once born, has the instinct to go up for a breath of air. He's not taught that, he just knows. Well, when you are born again, you will find that worship becomes instinct. When you get to know the Father, You can't stop yourself from worship and His spirit will reveal when you're out of line. As your faith in His reality and power strengthens, worship will become ingrained in you. When you are in love with Jesus, He is in your mind all the time. It is truly a relationship. You wake up and you think of Him, you go to bed and you think of Him. You are washing dishes and you think of Him. Much of my worship is in my ears...I listen to music every time I can. I'm listening to it right now. It helps me to maintain focus unlike anything else. I find that since I like music and since I don't have to work at listening, it just suits my life. The ballads and psalms flowing into my ears can be powerful. Sometimes I stop what I'm doing and just worship. It's a great outlet of worship for me. Sunday morning is just a part of my worship...not the other way around. Find what that can be for you!
I am not perfect. I am striving to do what I was commanded-love the Lord my God and love others. I never want this focus to change. I am in a race to know God. I am preparing my soul for splendor (I Cor 15:38-44). I am trying to explore the vastness of God, who is described as "Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." Eph 3:20. I think Paul's prayer to the Ephesians is powerful and fits perfectly here: "So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." Eph 4:11-13 Replete. My prayer is the same for us. I hope that you find some modern-day examples here. This is my outpouring. I would love to be filled with your suggestions as well. Please share with me. I need food. :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Faith
You gave me hope! I have so much going on right now spiritually--trials, tests, success, defeats, renewal, pouring and overflowing. My life is so busy and there are things going all around me and to me--but You shout through the storm and my ears are in tune with Your voice!
What it means to walk by faith...I am your child, O Lord! Teach me! I am Your servant, Your clay. Take me and make me what you want me to be--what You have in store for me. I can't believe I ever doubt Your amazing power. I can't believe that I can ever doubt Your Majesty--the Creator of the heavens, the earth!
In my transfomation in the last few years, I have begun to see glimpses of His cloak...see His beauty. I once made the comment, "My Creator is so Great that even His creation creates!" Think about it! How many things can we make that have the ability to think, reason, imagine and create? Nothing! I am powerless to this ability. I, however, a mere mortal, can be creative--I can work with my hands, see with my eyes, analyze with my brain, and I create. I create in pictures, in product, in love, in relationships, in worship. How extraordinary our Creator is that He has given us these gifts!
I was in a Sunday morning class this past week and I heard a profound statement. I and other friends have struggled with the realness of God at some point in our lives--is God real? Someone in class said that during his psychology course in college that his professor stated that with all that we have in our humanness as far as logic goes for our actions and inactions, there is no way to bridge the gap from total surrender to our circumstances and healing without God. There is a limit to our humanness, in other words, and there's no way to get to the other side without God. Take all the time you need--the wholeness and healing will never be complete without a faith in God to fill the gigantic hole. This resonated with me because I experienced the same thing. If we could do it without God, then we wouldn't need Him, and that is so true that we do! That is proof there is a God! I've felt that my life is proof essentially because I'm still standing. Not only am I standing, but I'm overflowing! If you had seen me before, you would know that it would be quite impossible to do this on my own. Drugs don't help and insanity doesn't help. God does.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
So then, it's not about me! This life is not about me. It is about how I can be the hands and feet of Jesus. What a tremendous burden that is lifted to live for the happiness, fullfillment and joy of others. It makes me feel joy and fullfillment all the more. Can you do that? Can you begin to let go? What if you said to yourself, "I'm going to let that go and just see where it takes me". You can do it! I promise you will find joy in it! Everything we surrender will be heard by God--He will honor our sacrifices!! We are so blessed with a God who truly cares for us!
May the Lord our God keep you! You are a treasure to Him and He yearns to hear you call on Him! :)
What it means to walk by faith...I am your child, O Lord! Teach me! I am Your servant, Your clay. Take me and make me what you want me to be--what You have in store for me. I can't believe I ever doubt Your amazing power. I can't believe that I can ever doubt Your Majesty--the Creator of the heavens, the earth!
In my transfomation in the last few years, I have begun to see glimpses of His cloak...see His beauty. I once made the comment, "My Creator is so Great that even His creation creates!" Think about it! How many things can we make that have the ability to think, reason, imagine and create? Nothing! I am powerless to this ability. I, however, a mere mortal, can be creative--I can work with my hands, see with my eyes, analyze with my brain, and I create. I create in pictures, in product, in love, in relationships, in worship. How extraordinary our Creator is that He has given us these gifts!
I was in a Sunday morning class this past week and I heard a profound statement. I and other friends have struggled with the realness of God at some point in our lives--is God real? Someone in class said that during his psychology course in college that his professor stated that with all that we have in our humanness as far as logic goes for our actions and inactions, there is no way to bridge the gap from total surrender to our circumstances and healing without God. There is a limit to our humanness, in other words, and there's no way to get to the other side without God. Take all the time you need--the wholeness and healing will never be complete without a faith in God to fill the gigantic hole. This resonated with me because I experienced the same thing. If we could do it without God, then we wouldn't need Him, and that is so true that we do! That is proof there is a God! I've felt that my life is proof essentially because I'm still standing. Not only am I standing, but I'm overflowing! If you had seen me before, you would know that it would be quite impossible to do this on my own. Drugs don't help and insanity doesn't help. God does.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
So then, it's not about me! This life is not about me. It is about how I can be the hands and feet of Jesus. What a tremendous burden that is lifted to live for the happiness, fullfillment and joy of others. It makes me feel joy and fullfillment all the more. Can you do that? Can you begin to let go? What if you said to yourself, "I'm going to let that go and just see where it takes me". You can do it! I promise you will find joy in it! Everything we surrender will be heard by God--He will honor our sacrifices!! We are so blessed with a God who truly cares for us!
May the Lord our God keep you! You are a treasure to Him and He yearns to hear you call on Him! :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Crazy Love by Francis Chan
I appreciate people who will stick their necks out and speak what they are thinking. I appreciate Francis's book, Crazy Love. On page 67 he writes, "Has your relationship with God actually changed the way you live? Do you see evidence of God's kingdom in your life? Or are you choking it out slowly by spending too much time, energy, money, and thought on the things of this world?"
Being a parent has really caused me to look inward. You hear this phrase all the time and it's almost foolish to write it here. Some people have said that they have been changed by their parenting for the better. I have a second question for them: has their relationship with their own father God changed as well? Mine has, and it seems like Francis's has too.
A few things have happened, I think, that God has allowed my heart to be opened. First, I lost my earthly father. The appreciation and love I felt for him has made me realize how fragile life is. Why didn't I love him more while he was here? Why was I so afraid to do that? Perhaps he wouldn't have been receptive. I must have thought I loved him as much as he allowed me to. Is that ok? I don't know the answer to that. Nonetheless, he was gone and I felt like the chain that kept me grounded in good (although it was rusty and weak), was cut. So in the next months and for a couple of years, although I went to church weekly, I was a dead woman walking. I laughed, smiled, and looked normal! Yet, I was almost dead and was fighting spiritually. I don't mean things just went bad for me and I started believing that if I stepped on a crack, I'd have a bad day--no, no. I turned away from God deliberately. I looked for ways to escape this life. My marriage suffered. My motherhood suffered. My sense of self suffered. My value was focused on things of this earth--people, places, things. There was a spiritual WAR going on with my soul, and I was getting beaten in between. These trials made me realize that I was not the Christian I thought I was. I thought I was good soil. I thought that I loved God. I thought I loved Him more than a lot of people (comparing is NOT a way to know, by the way). I also thought those "Jesus freaks" that dance and sing and jump up and down for God and always talk about Him just took it too far. Why do they think it's ok to make other people uncomfortable? Don't they know they don't have to do all that? They can just love God on the inside, without having to show it like that. That makes people turn away from Him--it doesn't help. They give the rest of us a bad name... How ignorant I was. Further proof that I lived for my own comfort and hated the awkwardness of not loving Him like they do. I broke a commandment not to judge one another--I questioned whether it was real love or they were just showing off. After all, I don't want to make a spectacle--it's in the bible. It's so far out of context, but I lived by that rule. These lovers of God should be able to worship fully without judgment from me no matter what. They are free to love God and breathe God no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Living for others makes you shine. Period. I was convicted.
Through my trials, God proved His love for me and restored me in amazing ways. He loved me even though I turned my back and He continues to show His love daily. I could share so much about my restoration here, but that would take a novel. The point is, my father in heaven loved me. He cared for me. He was separated from me and my sin, and His holiness was far from me in those times. I had to realize that if I were to want to know Him better, I needed to admit my wrong--which has been and will continue to be a hard lesson. My restoration doesn't mean that all is good now and I'm "done". Please don't take it that way. I work hard every day to keep my restoration. Not because I have to, but because I want to. This attitude has been the main difference from where I was before. Previously, I felt like I had to go to church, I had to pray (but hardly did unless I was around other Christians at a meal), I had to teach my kids about Jesus, I had to "act" right. Now I want to. I want to go to church, I want to pray, I want to teach my kids, I want to do right, and I want to do it often. I fear the opposite now--if I stop, I could begin to live for myself again--and be less fulfilled. Work gets in the way of my study, of my devotion. I pray at work, I even work better and I'm happier. I have nothing to hide, I can invest myself because God keeps filling me up. It's ok, and it feels better than I've ever felt before. I have a real reason to smile. I still have hard, bad, sick, tiring days--but I have a light inside of me that will never burn out even when I am. Hallelujah!
Through this transformation, I have found that I love being in love with God. My first step was that I stopped living for myself and started living for others. I let go of my own dreams and put everyone else's happiness in front of my own. Not an easy thing to do...at all. I haven't stopped dreaming, I just pray for them but the dreams of others become my dreams. This feeling overflows into my life and the people I love. I keep it alive with music. I pump spiritual lullabies, praises, and devotions into my ears, heart, and brain. I try to worship as much as I can. I listen to music constantly. If I don't, I run the risk again of living for myself and not being filled. It is a job to keep my restoration. I wish I could do more. I could just as well never write about this, never care, never share, but who would benefit from that? Will I worry if there are people who don't read this? Not at all. God has guided you here, and I actually believe that He will guide the ones that need to read it. Yes, I actually do. God led you here for different reasons, but I need to tell you that it is hard to transform! I have the same message as Francis: Do not assume you are good soil. I did. I was not. Period.
I said that my parenthood has changed my life with God. How is that so? I realized that I would never want to purposely hurt my children, I would always want the best for them, I will always want everything for them, and I know more about what they need than they do. I can't keep them from hurting themselves, falling, crying, fighting, etc. I can try to show them a better way. I can be an example to them. I can love them to the end of the earth. That will not change the fact that they will make bad choices--even as small as they are. They are innately selfish. They live for themselves. I will teach them how to live for others. I will love them even when they do wrong and when they come back to apologize for anything they've done, I will continue to love them. What's more--I don't even love them as much as God loves any of us. When my children apologize to me, I can continue to love them, but my flawed nature allows me to remember their fault unless I purposely choose to forget. God has said he has already forgotten. What holiness and perfection! Does He laugh when I laugh? Does He cry when I cry? Does He know what's good for me? Of course on all accounts!! He created laughter, sorrow, and Good. How can I not rejoice in the father of mine that created it? I don't understand anymore how I walked around before, moping about the punishment God surely had in store for me. Please! I don't walk around with a belt by my side, waiting to spank my kids. Why would God?? I have understood that God is a better parent to me than I am to my children. Even pagans are good to their children! I have the perfect heavenly father who wants to laugh with me and is joyful in my love for Him. He's the best daddy! Does that feel awkward? Can you call God, "daddy"? It was ok for Jesus, but not for us? I'm sure if I ever adopt children, you bet your bottom dollar they will call me mommy just like Rio and Lathan do. My human nature will create in my heart even a tiny bit of difference between them, but to God, we share the inheritance with Jesus...He is our Daddy just like He is for Jesus. If you get past this hurdle, you can be closer.
The book stirs in me my frustration of living in the lukewarm. It wasn't always this way--I can't honestly say that I have always wanted to be in love with God. I always thought that life was boring. I have found it to be awesome. If you feel led to, read the book and begin to change. Get comfortable with the thought that God really loves you and really does work in your life--yes, even yours. He wants nothing more than...all of you.
Being a parent has really caused me to look inward. You hear this phrase all the time and it's almost foolish to write it here. Some people have said that they have been changed by their parenting for the better. I have a second question for them: has their relationship with their own father God changed as well? Mine has, and it seems like Francis's has too.
A few things have happened, I think, that God has allowed my heart to be opened. First, I lost my earthly father. The appreciation and love I felt for him has made me realize how fragile life is. Why didn't I love him more while he was here? Why was I so afraid to do that? Perhaps he wouldn't have been receptive. I must have thought I loved him as much as he allowed me to. Is that ok? I don't know the answer to that. Nonetheless, he was gone and I felt like the chain that kept me grounded in good (although it was rusty and weak), was cut. So in the next months and for a couple of years, although I went to church weekly, I was a dead woman walking. I laughed, smiled, and looked normal! Yet, I was almost dead and was fighting spiritually. I don't mean things just went bad for me and I started believing that if I stepped on a crack, I'd have a bad day--no, no. I turned away from God deliberately. I looked for ways to escape this life. My marriage suffered. My motherhood suffered. My sense of self suffered. My value was focused on things of this earth--people, places, things. There was a spiritual WAR going on with my soul, and I was getting beaten in between. These trials made me realize that I was not the Christian I thought I was. I thought I was good soil. I thought that I loved God. I thought I loved Him more than a lot of people (comparing is NOT a way to know, by the way). I also thought those "Jesus freaks" that dance and sing and jump up and down for God and always talk about Him just took it too far. Why do they think it's ok to make other people uncomfortable? Don't they know they don't have to do all that? They can just love God on the inside, without having to show it like that. That makes people turn away from Him--it doesn't help. They give the rest of us a bad name... How ignorant I was. Further proof that I lived for my own comfort and hated the awkwardness of not loving Him like they do. I broke a commandment not to judge one another--I questioned whether it was real love or they were just showing off. After all, I don't want to make a spectacle--it's in the bible. It's so far out of context, but I lived by that rule. These lovers of God should be able to worship fully without judgment from me no matter what. They are free to love God and breathe God no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Living for others makes you shine. Period. I was convicted.
Through my trials, God proved His love for me and restored me in amazing ways. He loved me even though I turned my back and He continues to show His love daily. I could share so much about my restoration here, but that would take a novel. The point is, my father in heaven loved me. He cared for me. He was separated from me and my sin, and His holiness was far from me in those times. I had to realize that if I were to want to know Him better, I needed to admit my wrong--which has been and will continue to be a hard lesson. My restoration doesn't mean that all is good now and I'm "done". Please don't take it that way. I work hard every day to keep my restoration. Not because I have to, but because I want to. This attitude has been the main difference from where I was before. Previously, I felt like I had to go to church, I had to pray (but hardly did unless I was around other Christians at a meal), I had to teach my kids about Jesus, I had to "act" right. Now I want to. I want to go to church, I want to pray, I want to teach my kids, I want to do right, and I want to do it often. I fear the opposite now--if I stop, I could begin to live for myself again--and be less fulfilled. Work gets in the way of my study, of my devotion. I pray at work, I even work better and I'm happier. I have nothing to hide, I can invest myself because God keeps filling me up. It's ok, and it feels better than I've ever felt before. I have a real reason to smile. I still have hard, bad, sick, tiring days--but I have a light inside of me that will never burn out even when I am. Hallelujah!
Through this transformation, I have found that I love being in love with God. My first step was that I stopped living for myself and started living for others. I let go of my own dreams and put everyone else's happiness in front of my own. Not an easy thing to do...at all. I haven't stopped dreaming, I just pray for them but the dreams of others become my dreams. This feeling overflows into my life and the people I love. I keep it alive with music. I pump spiritual lullabies, praises, and devotions into my ears, heart, and brain. I try to worship as much as I can. I listen to music constantly. If I don't, I run the risk again of living for myself and not being filled. It is a job to keep my restoration. I wish I could do more. I could just as well never write about this, never care, never share, but who would benefit from that? Will I worry if there are people who don't read this? Not at all. God has guided you here, and I actually believe that He will guide the ones that need to read it. Yes, I actually do. God led you here for different reasons, but I need to tell you that it is hard to transform! I have the same message as Francis: Do not assume you are good soil. I did. I was not. Period.
I said that my parenthood has changed my life with God. How is that so? I realized that I would never want to purposely hurt my children, I would always want the best for them, I will always want everything for them, and I know more about what they need than they do. I can't keep them from hurting themselves, falling, crying, fighting, etc. I can try to show them a better way. I can be an example to them. I can love them to the end of the earth. That will not change the fact that they will make bad choices--even as small as they are. They are innately selfish. They live for themselves. I will teach them how to live for others. I will love them even when they do wrong and when they come back to apologize for anything they've done, I will continue to love them. What's more--I don't even love them as much as God loves any of us. When my children apologize to me, I can continue to love them, but my flawed nature allows me to remember their fault unless I purposely choose to forget. God has said he has already forgotten. What holiness and perfection! Does He laugh when I laugh? Does He cry when I cry? Does He know what's good for me? Of course on all accounts!! He created laughter, sorrow, and Good. How can I not rejoice in the father of mine that created it? I don't understand anymore how I walked around before, moping about the punishment God surely had in store for me. Please! I don't walk around with a belt by my side, waiting to spank my kids. Why would God?? I have understood that God is a better parent to me than I am to my children. Even pagans are good to their children! I have the perfect heavenly father who wants to laugh with me and is joyful in my love for Him. He's the best daddy! Does that feel awkward? Can you call God, "daddy"? It was ok for Jesus, but not for us? I'm sure if I ever adopt children, you bet your bottom dollar they will call me mommy just like Rio and Lathan do. My human nature will create in my heart even a tiny bit of difference between them, but to God, we share the inheritance with Jesus...He is our Daddy just like He is for Jesus. If you get past this hurdle, you can be closer.
The book stirs in me my frustration of living in the lukewarm. It wasn't always this way--I can't honestly say that I have always wanted to be in love with God. I always thought that life was boring. I have found it to be awesome. If you feel led to, read the book and begin to change. Get comfortable with the thought that God really loves you and really does work in your life--yes, even yours. He wants nothing more than...all of you.
Friday, January 14, 2011
There Will Be Horses in Heaven
My kids and I have a somewhat long ride to and from school in the morning. We get a little bit of scenery as we travel down some developing country roads. Most of the time my daughter looks for horses hidden in the pastures and yells, "Aaahhh! Horses!" when she sees them. My son chimes in and yells "Wee-wee!" right after her (from the word "horsie"). She is in LOVE with horses. She has asked me so many questions about her adult life that I wonder if it is actually normal! Recently, she has begun to build a dream about the house and horses she will have when she grows up.
Dream building in business can be very powerful. My husband and I were building a business for a while with other professionals from different walks of life. The people in the business became our mentors for free. Life coaches. Business coaches. Friends. Many of these professionals were multi-millionaires. It's not every day you get to be mentored by a multi-millionaire. We were blessed by the experience and the friendships we still have today. The first lesson we learned from our mentors was that if we wanted our business to be successful, we needed a very strong motivation--we needed a dream. So, dreaming became an important aspect of building our business. Our mentors would take us out to look at boats, houses, cars--whatever would get our juices flowing. We received training on how to focus in on our dreams, how to make them so strong that it was all we thought about and all we worked for. We called this practice "dream building".
So my daughter dream builds on the way home from school. "How do you buy a house, Mama? Do you go to a store? Do you get to see the inside before you buy it? How do you buy a horse? Is there a store for horses or something? I want all girl horses..." "You need to have land," I'd reply. "Land? Like a backyard?" "Yes," I'd reply. "A BIG backyard". "I'm going to have a paint horse, a brown horse, and a black horse like Flicka (her favorite movie)." She goes on and on tells me details of how she would like her house, her horses. She wants me to tell her all there is to know about owning horses (as if I knew!).
I can't remember what sparked the thought this one particular morning, but she asked me about heaven. She wanted to know if she would have purple blankets in heaven. "Sure!" I told her. "You can have anything you want for blankets. God knows all of your favorite things. The bible says He is preparing a place for you--that means He is making your room in heaven for you." "WHAT?!" She giggled and laughed at the thought. She did that girly little giggle I love so much--the one where she covers her mouth with her fist and her body doubles over from laughter. She got excited. "Can I have purple blankets with pink butterflies on it?" "Yes!", I responded. "Maybe your blanket could be a blanket of butterflies that would cover you and keep you warm as you sleep." "Oh my gosh!", she reacted. The thought was dreamy but too wild for her. "Maybe just purple and pink blankets. Can I have pink and purple walls?" "Of course," I responded. "What else would you like?" She dreamt some more. "Horses! I want horses on the walls." "Horses on the walls?", I asked. I'm good at dream building. I've had a lot of practice. It was time to give my daughter her first lesson. "Honey," I started, "God is SO big, that He could give you your own pasture of horses--any kind you want, You don't have to live in one room. You could have a gigantic mansion with a huge opening to a pasture where you could have your horses." She was ecstatic. "Really? I can have all that? I want horses! I want pink and purple! I can't wait to get to heaven! I want to go so badly! Jesus! I love you! I want to be in heaven with you! I love horses, Jesus! Give me lots of horses to ride EVERY DAY!" She was in full shout at this point. I couldn't stop her--not that I was even close to wanting to. I glanced in the rear view and I saw her little baby brother intently smiling and watching her joy--not fully comprehending--but celebrating it with her. Her little words of faith and praise rang in my ears--a sound sweeter than I can ever have imagined and I loved and simply breathed the moment in--her praise as my background. It was beautiful. She just kept going. I can't remember all the things she said because I was so involved in my enjoyment of the moment. She asked me about more things and I kept on promising, kept on giving what I did not have. For a while, I was promising her those things for God. Then I felt Him. "Daddy..." I thought, "please give her everything she desires." Then I thought, "How I love my little girl. How I want all of these things for her." My father then put the realization in my head that He loves her even more than I did and that He knew all of these things about her--and His plans for her are even bigger than she and I could dream together. I couldn't breathe. My God made His presence known in my little green car. She continued to praise at the top of her lungs and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I gasped for air. I was worried about if she saw me crying, she would stop praising, so I turned my face slightly away and kept on taking the short breaths I could as I felt His presence. He placed the realization in my heart that He wanted all of those things for ME just as much as He wants them for her. Although I had fought it throughout my life, it had always been that way. How foolish of me! How could I ever think He didn't want that for me? He's my daddy just like I'm her mommy. If I want all of these things for her, how does He NOT? "I want a horse too, daddy.", I told Him. With the help of the Spirit, I allowed myself to believe that He had heard me. My faith for a moment had become like hers--full and vibrant and real. I realized it was her faith that I wanted so badly right then; I wanted mine to be like hers, even if it was just in that moment. I remember what it was like when it was. I remembered it well. So I took a leap. "I want a horse too, daddy.", I whispered as I cried. I couldn't shout it; I didn't want to look foolish in front a faith-filled 5 year old. "I want a--" I could only mouth the rest. Then the Comfortor came over me and washed me with love. I couldn't catch my breath so I was glad she was still occupied, though at this point she was quiet and simply smiling while looking out the car window, innocence attached to her face.
Heaven used to be a scary place for her (and I remember when it was for me too). She used to cry at the thought of heaven. She was so attached to this world and the nowness of life. She didn't want anything to change. "It takes too long to come back from heaven," she once said (in reference to my father who has passed away). Now she can't wait to get there. She's excited about her future in heaven. One day I'll share again with her about her faith on this day. Her faith and God have taught me a valuable lesson...I'm going to have a horse.
Dream building in business can be very powerful. My husband and I were building a business for a while with other professionals from different walks of life. The people in the business became our mentors for free. Life coaches. Business coaches. Friends. Many of these professionals were multi-millionaires. It's not every day you get to be mentored by a multi-millionaire. We were blessed by the experience and the friendships we still have today. The first lesson we learned from our mentors was that if we wanted our business to be successful, we needed a very strong motivation--we needed a dream. So, dreaming became an important aspect of building our business. Our mentors would take us out to look at boats, houses, cars--whatever would get our juices flowing. We received training on how to focus in on our dreams, how to make them so strong that it was all we thought about and all we worked for. We called this practice "dream building".
So my daughter dream builds on the way home from school. "How do you buy a house, Mama? Do you go to a store? Do you get to see the inside before you buy it? How do you buy a horse? Is there a store for horses or something? I want all girl horses..." "You need to have land," I'd reply. "Land? Like a backyard?" "Yes," I'd reply. "A BIG backyard". "I'm going to have a paint horse, a brown horse, and a black horse like Flicka (her favorite movie)." She goes on and on tells me details of how she would like her house, her horses. She wants me to tell her all there is to know about owning horses (as if I knew!).
I can't remember what sparked the thought this one particular morning, but she asked me about heaven. She wanted to know if she would have purple blankets in heaven. "Sure!" I told her. "You can have anything you want for blankets. God knows all of your favorite things. The bible says He is preparing a place for you--that means He is making your room in heaven for you." "WHAT?!" She giggled and laughed at the thought. She did that girly little giggle I love so much--the one where she covers her mouth with her fist and her body doubles over from laughter. She got excited. "Can I have purple blankets with pink butterflies on it?" "Yes!", I responded. "Maybe your blanket could be a blanket of butterflies that would cover you and keep you warm as you sleep." "Oh my gosh!", she reacted. The thought was dreamy but too wild for her. "Maybe just purple and pink blankets. Can I have pink and purple walls?" "Of course," I responded. "What else would you like?" She dreamt some more. "Horses! I want horses on the walls." "Horses on the walls?", I asked. I'm good at dream building. I've had a lot of practice. It was time to give my daughter her first lesson. "Honey," I started, "God is SO big, that He could give you your own pasture of horses--any kind you want, You don't have to live in one room. You could have a gigantic mansion with a huge opening to a pasture where you could have your horses." She was ecstatic. "Really? I can have all that? I want horses! I want pink and purple! I can't wait to get to heaven! I want to go so badly! Jesus! I love you! I want to be in heaven with you! I love horses, Jesus! Give me lots of horses to ride EVERY DAY!" She was in full shout at this point. I couldn't stop her--not that I was even close to wanting to. I glanced in the rear view and I saw her little baby brother intently smiling and watching her joy--not fully comprehending--but celebrating it with her. Her little words of faith and praise rang in my ears--a sound sweeter than I can ever have imagined and I loved and simply breathed the moment in--her praise as my background. It was beautiful. She just kept going. I can't remember all the things she said because I was so involved in my enjoyment of the moment. She asked me about more things and I kept on promising, kept on giving what I did not have. For a while, I was promising her those things for God. Then I felt Him. "Daddy..." I thought, "please give her everything she desires." Then I thought, "How I love my little girl. How I want all of these things for her." My father then put the realization in my head that He loves her even more than I did and that He knew all of these things about her--and His plans for her are even bigger than she and I could dream together. I couldn't breathe. My God made His presence known in my little green car. She continued to praise at the top of her lungs and tears began to stream down my cheeks. I gasped for air. I was worried about if she saw me crying, she would stop praising, so I turned my face slightly away and kept on taking the short breaths I could as I felt His presence. He placed the realization in my heart that He wanted all of those things for ME just as much as He wants them for her. Although I had fought it throughout my life, it had always been that way. How foolish of me! How could I ever think He didn't want that for me? He's my daddy just like I'm her mommy. If I want all of these things for her, how does He NOT? "I want a horse too, daddy.", I told Him. With the help of the Spirit, I allowed myself to believe that He had heard me. My faith for a moment had become like hers--full and vibrant and real. I realized it was her faith that I wanted so badly right then; I wanted mine to be like hers, even if it was just in that moment. I remember what it was like when it was. I remembered it well. So I took a leap. "I want a horse too, daddy.", I whispered as I cried. I couldn't shout it; I didn't want to look foolish in front a faith-filled 5 year old. "I want a--" I could only mouth the rest. Then the Comfortor came over me and washed me with love. I couldn't catch my breath so I was glad she was still occupied, though at this point she was quiet and simply smiling while looking out the car window, innocence attached to her face.
Heaven used to be a scary place for her (and I remember when it was for me too). She used to cry at the thought of heaven. She was so attached to this world and the nowness of life. She didn't want anything to change. "It takes too long to come back from heaven," she once said (in reference to my father who has passed away). Now she can't wait to get there. She's excited about her future in heaven. One day I'll share again with her about her faith on this day. Her faith and God have taught me a valuable lesson...I'm going to have a horse.
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