Recently I have started to go to the YMCA to get into shape in the air conditioning. It helps Lathan too because he can be active and we don't worry about the heat. More than that, I have been starving for my conversations with God and I find that working out has allowed me to tune out the world and simply tune into Him. I have stopped running in the morning simply because it is soooo hot! Well, today was a great workout and a great conversation with God was enjoyed.
I find that working myself out has a lot of obstacles. First, the willingness to go--well, let's just say I don't always have that. I also don't have a coach in my ear telling me how far I should push. I miss that. I wish I had a little coach next to my machine telling me...pedal faster, you can do it! Why do I need to pedal faster if it's only me watching? It's no wonder that I reflect on my love for physical activity and see a direct correlation between it and my love for time with God. Neither one is easy, neither one will sit in your lap. Both take a commitment of time, willingness, and strength. What I haven't seen before today is that I didn't realize how much my working out is really not about me. Sure, it helps me and keeps me healthy, but just think about how it will make my relationships better. Taking care of myself allows me to take care of others more readily and with fervor. It prolongs my life as well as aids in the quality of my life, which directly affects my friends and family. Why do I keep thinking working out is only about me?
In the same token, time with God is not only about me! I loved that revelation I received today. In my time today, I forgave someone that I didn't realize I needed to forgive. In my sharing, my contemplating, and my pouring out of myself, God revealed a hurt in my life that I never realized was so strong. When I realized through my reflections that I needed to forgive this person, I was poured out and God began to work on healing that hurt. It was exposed by Him, I obeyed the compelling feeling to let it go, and He ran in and caught me. All on an elliptical machine. 30 minutes of intense workout...and about 23 years of hurt was bandaged. What does that do for me? Where do I start? What does that do for others? I'll never know. I do know that as my healing process occurs, I will be dealing with that person easier, I will not be ashamed, and my family may not realize the transformation, but their lives will be better as a result. Now the hard part--what if I had never taken the time to do that? Obviously, this hurt would not have surfaced like it did. I would still be hurting without knowing how to deal with it (just as I have for the last 23 years). It benefits everyone, even that person. The world is better place, even if just a little. What a gift my parents have given me--the gift of not relying on myself to deal with my hurt. I pushed the last few minutes of my time on the machine, and it was so hard! I kept thinking about that finish line to getting to God, and I thought to myself that when the time comes, I want to be trained in a way of endurance to always seek my God, no matter what. Now I have a heavenly coach who is bidding me to finish the race. Will I have the tenacity I spoke of in my father?
It's for these revelations that I find myself not only willing to go, but looking forward to going. I have said before that I am so thankful that God is so vast and He can never be fully explored. It is indeed an amazing relationship! I am finding it is I who is being explored! God knows me; He's just guiding what I am exploring within myself. Those explorations help me get to know Him better and the cycle continues. What a Creator I have--a God that multiplies within me!
Since our Sunday sermon at Bammel regarding fear, I have been noticing fear in the words and actions of so many people around me. Fear-such a force for Satan in a countless number of ways! It was my fear of rejection that kept me searching for answers separate from God in my fall. I heard a minister say recently, "I don't believe the Holy Spirit will (or can) tell you what to eat for breakfast..." and my response was, "How do you know? Have you explored everything that God is? If God and the Holy Spirit are the same, are you saying that the Holy Spirit won't also tell you to pick up a stick and hit a rock twice to make water come out (Numbers 20:11)? Will He not tell you to go to a corrupt city and preach (Jonah 1)? Or that you should wait for a bird to bring you breakfast and dinner (I Kings 17:6)? Is indeed God the same today as yesterday?" (ETA: Unfortunately, this preacher struck a cord from the past with me that I really have been struggling to bury. No fault of his own, but a flood of emotions hit me right then, mostly angst from years of the wrong think-training...) I have heard similar statements all of my life. Short-sighted, faith-sick people that inflict these rules on a God that doesn't have any. As I took in the thought, I felt dead inside. (ETA: It was my history of feeling dead with these proclamations in the past that made me feel this way). What has he done now (possibly to other people in that room)? Let's play this out. Each person in that room can potentially go home with , "The Holy spirit can't tell me what to eat for breakfast." The next time any one of them hear someone say, "God healed my brother", "God helped me get pregnant", or "God helped me find a job", their root response will more readily be, "Yeah, right. God doesn't really work that way." What a disservice to them (and to me)! What small faith! Why disable? Why put our God in a box? I know I don't want to be the person who dies of a heart attack due to bad eating habits and ask God, "Lord, why didn't you help me prolong my life on earth?" and have Him respond, "You never asked." I believe that statement was a product of fear.
Reflecting on that statement and the feeling that burned in my heart towards it, I now know what one of my biggest fears has been. My biggest fear is going against some of the limits of God presented to me in my youth and actually believing that God can do it all. Wow. What then? Just imagine--what if He really does do it all? What if He does? Now what? That means He is in control of everything. My faith creates this world of control. If I don't believe He can help it, do it, heal it, speak it, send it, then what is faith really? God told me Himself He is in control and that I am valuable to Him countless times (including Matthew 6). Why have I been afraid to simply accept that? I don't just mean clothes and food, I mean in countless ways, including spiritually and relationally. Does it mean everything goes my way? Absolutely not! In my earthly father's last few words, "I am not afraid anymore."
How does this change me? My prayers are different. They are "Lord send someone that will...", "Lord, help me remember to...", "Lord, give me words to...", "Lord, you know my struggle...", "Lord, provide a way for...", "Lord, look at me. See how I love You. Search me and take every ounce of pride away."...and actually believing it will be done or provided. When it is, giving credit to the Lord for it. Always. I'm not afraid anymore. I may even ask what to eat for breakfast one day.
May I never inhibit the faith of Your disciples. May I never pretend to know everything You are. May I always share how You have loved me and may I always proclaim Your love for me as my reason for living the best life in Your favor. May I never assume You can't or won't do something. May I always have faith that You can. I am known by You, dear Lord, and may my brothers and sisters feel the same. May I recognize fear for what it is and have the tenacity to seek You through it. May the box I have put You in be burst open and may You take over everything I am. May I have the endurance I need to allow You to take me over completely, until the end of my days. In Jesus' holy, holy, holy name I pray, Amen!
Interesting. Yes, God is so much more than most of us give him credit for. Your words reminded me of what a good friend just told me yesterday at Bible study. When I was in a coma, my own sister told a couple of my friends to "prepare for the worst - healing often comes 'on the other side'". My friend's response was, "We don't accept that. It is not God's will that she will die and we will nevre give up praying for her healing." What if they had listened to my sister and accepted her words? Words which I too was taught in our church growing up - the church led by my own dad, nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteWow. How blessed am I that God reveals himself more clearly on a continuous basis. Praise be to the One, the only One, who is worthy of our Praise - the Only One who sent his son to redeem us!!!